Painting Pictures

Silence

2011-12-10T14:57:00.008+02:00

In silence

Thoughts become so loud

Screaming for recognition

Screaming for acknowledgement

The eyes blink

and blink again

They close for a moment

For relief

For peace

These thoughts running through my head

of tomorrow

of February

of next year.

I find myself

not here and now

but in some faraway place.

Maybe I can't stand to be alone.

To be left alone with just me.

Maybe I'm not comfortable

facing the world with just me again.

But here I am.

Thanks

2011-11-23T14:53:00.002+02:00

My job here is done.
And perhaps so is yours.
Remember the fun we had.
Remember how we laughed.
Remember this time in your life.

The world is vast yet small.
Many places yet to be discovered.
Many places yet to be explored.

Thanks for being there.
Thanks for lending an ear.
Thanks for the laughs.
Thank you for caring.
You have been my sanity in this crazy world.
You have been my escape.

Go on your way.
Travel well my dear friend.
May you discover
Peace, Love and Joy.

Timing

2011-11-23T13:06:00.001+02:00

Here I go again.

The heart knows no other way.
To love, to hold.
To let go.

To hope and trust.
To believe,
that one day,
the timing will be right.

Acceptance

2011-11-23T13:03:00.003+02:00

22nd November 2011

Acceptance,
that you're going.
Acceptance,
that you are you
and I am me.
Acceptance,
of all the things
I thought not of.

From acceptance,
a calmness.
Peace.
Love.

Defence

2011-11-23T12:55:00.003+02:00

18th November 2011

Ask once, twice.
But not three times.
No confirmation?
"No" is the assumption.

Barriers are up.
Guards are up.
Once again.

Don't want anything to do with you.
Hate that you're leaving.
Hate to say goodbye.
Hate that you're just a season,
and not a lifetime.

Sadness from within.
Time is running out.

Another time.
Another place.
Another lifetime.

The Heart

2011-11-17T13:03:00.002+02:00

What I crave, you'll never know.
What I long for, you'll never know.

A moment.
A minute.
A second.

Just a time
when time can stand still
and nothing else matters.

Love. Joy. Pain.
The heart knows nothing else.

Heartless?

2011-11-14T13:53:00.005+02:00

The sadness in her eyes,
from some deep-seated memory
from an exhausted life on the streets.
"I just need to rest" she sighs,
But her request falls on deaf ears.

A tear trickles down her cheek.
No one can understand her pain,
of having lost and lost
time and time again.

People walking by stare at her in disgust.
Their noses scrunch up at the stench.
No one understands.
No one offers a thing.

In her lonely world on a hot day
All she wants is to rest.
All she wants is a minute of normality.
A minute of sanity.

But this peace people cannot afford her,
"She is homeless."
"She is not one of us."
"She can't sit here."

She is just helpless.
Are we just heartless?

Enjoy the ride!

2011-08-17T14:40:00.002+02:00

Let's do it.
Let's have fun together while we can.
Open your heart and I'll open mine.
Close yours and I'll open mine.
I could give nothing and lose everything.
I could give everything and lose nothing.
Join me on this adventure,
of the intellect,
of the heart, the soul.
For however long it may last,
Let's just enjoy the ride!

Living, Breathing, Being

2011-07-15T12:55:00.003+02:00

There is nothing but love and light.
There is nothing but to be
in every moment,
in every breath that we take.

Sit still, sit silently
and let the world just be.
Let the world happen,
before our eyes
and just...observe.

We are but a blade of grass,
We are but pollen from a flower.
We are but a grain of sand
in this magnificent godly world.

Time does not exist,
yet only in the minds of men.

Nothing exists but love.
And from love - light, hope, joy, passion, humility.
Living, breathing, being.

Inner demons

2011-06-27T13:15:00.005+02:00

I prayed and I prayed
for salvation from my past,
for the release from my soul,
of all things that no longer served me.

All the fears, the insecurities,
the sorrow, the guilt,
of past relationships,
to finally and eternally be set free.

And in a vision, my prayers were answered.
The awesome explosion of bright light,
From the evils of my self.
Freeing the inner demons of yesteryear.

And I knew then,
that nothing exists but love.

It's been a while...

2011-05-23T14:03:00.003+02:00

One of my students commented this morning how I haven't blogged since 2010...so yes...it's been a while!!! So this one's for Angel...who is probably the only one reading my blog nowadays...:-)

So...why the silence?? Had the novelty just worn off?? Maybe I've just been lazy...or maybe life back in Sydney is nothing near as exciting as it was in Switzerland!! Funnily enough I had many more dramas going on in my life whilst I was abroad than I do now. And the dramas concerned my relationships with people back here!! So perhaps...I just feel kinda settled now...content even :-)

What is life without drama, you may ask!! Well, it's pretty boring!! hahah...No...but seriously, ever since I came back from Swiss, up until the end of last year, I felt as though I had to hibernate from the world for a little. Heck, I haven't even left the country in that time!!!

Spent some time doing Celta, then found my dream job teaching English to adults...and just when I felt like I really missed sitting in front of a computer, as opposed to standing up and delivering my lessons, my beloved school crashed down to Earth, and we all suddenly found ourselves buried in some nasty shit!!! Anyway, as I have read...and also truly believe..."all thought is creative"...hence the situation I found myself in at the end of January 2009, was one which I had manifested in some warped way!! It's kinda funny...as it was probably a collective consciousness which created this collapse, as well as pure greed perhaps from the entrepreneur's end. I remember just a whole bunch of teachers whining all day long about the working conditions and the 'crappy' pay. All this bitching and moaning about management and rah rah rah...

Anyway...perhaps we all got what we deserved...perhaps for many of us, it was a second chance...a lifeline to do what a lot of us had been putting off for so long, but kept using our teaching jobs as an excuse. For me, I needed a dose of sitting in front of a computer and working in a 9-5 job...and that I got...for a whole nine months!!!

I absolutely loved the time I did temp work at OTEN. My colleagues were all quirky in their own little ways and I had a great time dealing with students and teaching staff. Work was a breeze and it was fun most of the time. But then all that time squinting, trying to read enrolment information didn't do my eyes any favours...plus at around the same time, certain colleagues started to turn a bit nasty - my guess is mostly from familial factors! Anyway, when I stopped enjoying my time there, I made the decision to leave at the end of the year....life goes on at OTEN :-)

So this year...this year has been GREAT!!! :-) As mentioned earlier, at this point in my life...I feel quite content :-) But I do miss studying!!! After two years of part-time post-grad study, I decided to take a break this year...but am raring to go again soon!!! I just needed the break.

I was extremely fortunate to have some great contacts at two English language schools in Sydney and more or less found some teaching work in the new year. Unfortunately the first school I taught at this year weren't able to offer me many classes after January, but fortunately another school was able to give me something...and I am still there!!! :-) Life at EF has been great!!! :-) When I got back into teaching this year, I wondered why I had ever left!!! But I knew that I needed that break to realise that teaching really is my passion!!!

I love the laughs, the fun, the competitiveness of my students, but most of all, I love how much they gain in terms of friendships, learning and life experience by being here in Sydney. I still have so much to learn - from my colleagues, from my students. It never ends! :-) And it's just wonderful :-)

It still lingers...

2010-10-05T13:42:00.008+02:00

I had this very good friend when I was in Switzerland.
We would talk often - maybe at least every second day.
We would laugh a lot and it was happy days.
Sometimes we would get up to no good.
But it was all in the name of fun :-)

But when I came home,
it was like...
I had left our friendship behind.
It was like...
I had abandoned my best friend.
It was like...
it had existed in another time, another place, another life.
Yet the physical distance between us had lessened.

Something which was built upon
years and years of friendship,
Felt as if it had disappeared overnight.
Just like that. Gone.

Yet from time to time,
it still lingers.

Who Am I?

2010-03-11T01:15:00.004+02:00

Standing alone. Stripped. Naked. Bare.
Of everything you've ever known,
of what you believed made you you.

There is a vastness, a void
that threatens to consume your being.
The world around you spins and spins
as the sounds inside your head
get louder and louder.

The world suddenly stops spinning,
and you erupt from deep within.
Your sorrow, your pain,
laid bare for all the world to see.

You fall to your knees,
sobbing like a lost child of god.
And you cry out to the heavens
Who Am I?

Embracing the present moment in 2010

2010-01-01T07:54:00.005+02:00

Dear family and friends,

May 2010 be the year that we embrace the present moment. Let go of grudges, grievances and past failures. We cannot change what has passed and we cannot control the future. We can only be in the present moment and that's a powerful and wonderful thing :-)

Have a happy new year :-)

Love, Jackie :-)

A real need?

2009-10-26T14:36:00.002+02:00

I keep seeing her face over and over again in my head. This woman with a gap between her top front teeth, clutching at a small bag, begging me...pleadingly...."Excuse me excuse me...do you have three dollar..." in her broken English..."I lost my..." and then her face kinda breaks...and I just shake my head and apologise...

I wonder...was she really in need? Did I turn away someone who really needed my money? My help? Or am I just too accustomed to seeing these beggars all around Town Hall? A few minutes earlier the tall, scruffy-looking beggar with grey mangled hair stood just beyond the ticket barriers. I, along with all the other commuters passing that way, see him there maybe three or four mornings a week. "Spare change...spare change" he asks holding out his hand. I wonder if it's the same beggar that Eddie talked about who he sees all the time outside Town Hall having a ciggy?

Just before I exit the QVB I see a lady in a raincoat holding an umbrella asking passers-by for money. Then I encountered the other lady...who begged...who pleaded with me...

Why didn't I just stop and ask her how I might be able to help her? Maybe she really did need help and was desperate...I had never seen her before. I felt like I was in China...in Xian when the beggars just kept begging and begging even after you've jumped on the bus...they are relentless and keep tapping the window. Could I really make that much of a difference to their lives? Could it mean the difference between them feeding their family or themselves for a week or even weeks?

Maybe I'm just jaded. I can't tell anymore what's real and what's not.

Reflection...

2009-09-20T12:54:00.003+02:00

Over the past two weeks Ive been hearing a lot about cancer. It started with the shocking news of a very good friend who was diagnosed with cancer. He's only 40. I was stunned and extremely shocked with the news and it sat with me for days.

It's kinda strange...and I don't know if it's just me...but as soon as I heard the news my mind was already projecting into the future of what his funeral would be like...and how sad it would all be if he really were to die...which was a real possibility. I thought how many people he has positively influenced in his short lifetime and how much it would affect the community which we were a part of. I remember that once I did this quiz and it asked who I looked up to and why and it was this particular friend who I wrote down. This quiz said that often the qualities we often like about people we look up to are those which we possess ourselves.

I reminisced about the good ole times and I felt guilt because we hadn't been in touch for quite some time. I didn't even have his mobile anymore because I keep losing or breaking my phone!!! I emailed him and expressed my guilt feelings and how life is just life and things happen. He emailed back saying that life carries us in all different directions and that good friends will always remain good friends regardless of time and distance. He said that it's been a huge wake-up call to him to do the things he's always been putting off.

A few days later he emailed and said that the lung biopsy was negative for cancer but he had to have an operation where the cancer was. It was such a huge relief...it was like in one moment you have this prospect of losing a friend, and in the next moment you've received a second chance of renewing that connection again...I can't even begin to imagine how he feels!!!

Then came the news of Patrick Swayze. Then I watched some TV program about secret billionaire and there was an old couple, and the woman was also dying of cancer...but she didn't let it stop her doing the things that she loved...like dancing! She said...the cancer has gotten the better of me...but I have also gotten the better of it!!!...or something along those lines.

This morning my mum was on the phone to her cousin in Newcastle and some really sad news came through. Her second cousin living in New Zealand has been diagnosed with brain cancer which is in its fourth stage. She's only in her early forties with a very young family...I think four kids...it's so sad!!!

Perhaps it's a wake-up call to all of us to really appreciate what we have in life and who we have in our lives. To not take things for granted, especially the little things. This life is not forever and we have to embrace it and do the things we love. What's the point in doing things that we hate? What's the point in doing things without joy? Sometimes we think...just hang in there a bit more...just another year of working in this crappy job...but who knows??? We could die tomorrow. The question I guess we should ask ourselves is: would I be happy if I were to die tomorrow?? If not, why? And what can I do about it now???

For me, definitely it's in the relationship stakes. Career-wise I've been successful in one career and now I'm on my path. I've seen quite a bit of the world and I have great relationships with friends and family. I've got a degree and studying a grad dip. I've played lots of sport and am managing my finances quite well. I don't have a house or investment property yet, but that's not a priority for me at this point in time. I have all these things but no partner :-p hahah...

Anyway, the past few days been thinking about my non-existent relationship with a certain someone. My friend who was diagnosed with cancer is a very good mutual friend of both of ours. And now with my mum's second cousin diagnosed with brain cancer...maybe I should just send him an email to say g'day...cos you know, life's too short. And I've just been acting like a woman scorned...but heck...I should get over myself!!! Seriously!!!

Heck I'm not perfect! I have my flaws! And I'm not always nice!! Funnily enough a student offered to buy me a drink on Friday and I politely declined. He then asked me if I wanted to go outside with him for a smoke...and I told him that I didn't smoke. He then sat down next to me and gave me a 'tip'. He said...here's a tip...if you go out with a guy, you have to live a little dangerously! He said...men like women who are a bit dangerous!!! I just smiled...haha...and I said to him...how do you know I'm not dangerous??? And he repeated again that men like women who are a bit dangerous. I said...well...all I can say is that I'm a Scorpio. I asked him if he knew what that was (cos English is his second language) and he nodded and went out for a smoko break...hahah!!! Maybe I should've been less reserved and taken him up on the drink offer and maybe even the smoke offer! hahha...But hey...it was still during class time!! Except that we just happened to spend the last hour of class at the pub!! Practising spoken English of course!!! ;-)

Alrighty...I think I might send that email :-)

Carpe diem!

Dear diary...

2009-09-04T06:59:00.003+02:00

2nd September 2009

Dear diary,

Bob* was being a total ass tonight in class. He was back to his old antics...*sigh* I knew it was too good to last the rest of the semester - his behaviour and teaching style over the past three weeks...I guess good things never last, or as I said to Rosy* 'good things only happen in three!'.

Bob's so bad I can't help but laugh!!! After class it's 'bitchin time' about our lecturer!!! And it's good to know I am so not the only one!!! We just piss ourselves laughin mimicking him and bitchin about how he talks to us like we're five-years-old!!!

Five minutes before the end of the last class (last week) he informed us that we would be presenting reading activities in groups the following week. We had next to no time to get into groups and scribble down each others' contact details. And we received no further instructions other than to pick our own reading.

So this week rolled around and I was ten minutes late to class. When I walked in my group were already standing at the front of the room just about to 'present' an 'Eliciting/Building the field' activity. I started the ball rolling, then stopped to give another group member a go. We ended up doing individual things in our group. But the feedback we received was quite okay compared to the wrath the other groups received!!! Boy-oh-boy!!!

Bob was annoyed and disgusted that we were all failing miserably in our mini-presentations...and I just sat there rolling my eyes and writing notes to Rosy about his behaviour in class!!! I felt like I was a school-kid! :-)

All in all it took over an hour for four groups to present what we would do for reading activities in a TESOL classroom. Well...little time was actually spent presenting...most of the time was spent being yelled at!!!

So this is what I thought about whilst Bob continually mocked us and talked to us like primary-school children...

(1) You could have given us say ten minutes before class to go through our 'presentations'.
(2) You could have given us one text that all groups could have worked on, thus the whole session might have flowed and made more sense!
(3) How can you tell us off when you cannot lead by example???
(4) You tell us that we know the theory but cannot put it into practice...well what better way to demotivate us than by yelling at us???
(5) You seem to forget that we are learning about teaching, learning about literacy. After all this subject you are supposed to be teaching us is called "Teaching and Learning Literacy"!!!
(6) You sometimes forget that you are teaching adults. Not only that...but adults who are post-grad students!!!
(7) You talk to us like we're five years old!
(8) You don't listen.
(9) You continuously contradict yourself because of (8) above.
(10) You love the sound of your own voice.

At the end of tonight's class, after we 'listened' to Bob for a good 45 minutes about stuff and nonsense...Mary* raised her hand and said...'so basically what you are saying is this...', summarising his ranting and raving in less than 30 seconds!!! We all just giggled!!!

Later on, Mary was saying how she knew Bob had a bee in his bonnet - he kept going on about something or other...I wouldn't know because I tend to tune out after Bob continuously speaks for more than two minutes...and I just pretend that I'm listening. He was saying something about the Sydney school of genre or something...and how he really has something against them. Yeh okay Bob...I understand you can have your opinion on things...we're all entitled to that...but to go on and on about it...what a waste of our time!!!

Anyway, whenever I get bored in Bob's class, I wonder about my own classes at GEOS. Sometimes I think...maybe I am just as bad as Bob...hmmm....it's some food for thought!!! I guess if anything, Bob has taught me how NOT to be in a TESOL environment!!!

Well, only another week or two before mid-semester break!!! :-)

Thanks for listening diary!! :-)

*names have been changed to protect identity!

I used to...

2009-08-26T14:48:00.004+02:00

I used to blog a lot.
I used to write so eloquently.
I used to have so much time.

And now?
There's hardly time to take a breath.

I'm too busy 'working'.
I'm too busy working out how to pay off my debts.
I'm too busy avoiding my studies.
I'm too busy trying to perfect all the little things.

But it's cool.
I love what I'm doing now...
I think.

Or am I just confused?
I think I might need some time out soon.
Just because.
Soul rejuvenation.

I let go.
I wiped him from my facebook.
I deleted him from my email.
I erased him from my phone,
All the messages, all the emails.
Him.
Gone!
Finally!

Realness

2009-07-11T14:18:00.003+02:00

I feel so lucky to be working where I am. I've been so much in my element that I haven't felt the need to do much blogging for a long time!!!

The people I work with, the people I 'teach' are all absolutely amazing human beings. I've been extremely blessed to be in the company of such humbleness and greatness all at once :-) The dedication and the passion to impart our knowledge to willing learners...I don't know if there's anything greater!!!

I love my job and what each day brings. There's a real genuine nature to it all and that's why I love it! :-)

Embrace 2009

2009-01-01T08:11:00.002+02:00

So the New Year is upon us!!! :-) I always feel so happy when it's the New Year because it's like you can put all the shit of the previous year behind you and start afresh. A new slate, a blank canvas.

Not saying that I had a lot of shit in 2008...I had quite a fantastic year actually!!! From bummin around, to a fill-in job, to studying, to following my dreams and finally doing what I've always wanted to do!!! And not to mention turning 30!!! :-) It's been such a fantastic year!!! Probably one of the best from what's left of my memory...

So yeh, the New Year is upon us!!! About 17hrs and 20minutes as I'm writing this...Every year I like to write a New Year message...and set a theme for the year...This year my theme is "Embrace". Kinda like just going with the flow and to be wholly into whatever you choose to do...whether that be mundane tasks like washing up, or for some...the mundane task of what you call 'work'! :-)...or the things which give us joy in life, like spending time with loved ones, or a good massage or retail therapy! Whatever tickles your fancy!!! Just embrace it and own it!!!

"Embrace" is also about taking on new challenges, and fully embracing whatever comes from them. Sometimes they may be 'good' things and other times they just might test our strength, our courage and our patience. Whatever happens, it's all in the grand scheme of things...however cliched that may sound! But if we never give ourselves the chance, then we'll never know.

"Embrace" is about creativity and courage. It's about going beyond what you're comfortable with...even if it's just by a centimetre, a tad, a snippet, by a nose hair even!!! Whatever! You know, just paint your life, paint your 2009 to what you want it to be. And the thing is, you are the creator, so you can change it to whatever you like!!! You have all the colours in the universe, and beyond to paint with!!! Your canvas can be as small as a page or as big as Jupiter!!! How do you value yourself??? And what happens if you make a 'mistake'? Would anyone even notice? It's YOUR masterpiece!!! Just create, create, create!!! :-)

So to all my dear friends and family, and to anyone I don't know who's reading this...Make your 2009 count...every day, every minute, every second. Have courage, because no-one can give it to you. Be creative - you are the creator. Take on new challenges. And embrace everything that you are and everything that you aren't. 2009 will be as great as you make it!

In My Element

2008-12-28T14:45:00.003+02:00

I'm sitting here wondering how the hell to start this post...There's so much to say, yet so little...It's just one of those things I guess...where sometimes, one just cannot use words to describe...things!!! :-)

I've been teaching English for six months now. And I am absolutely in my element right now. Something that you just feel in your bones :-) I have so much passion for what I do at the moment that it doesn't even feel like a job!!! Heck, earning some dollars for something I love so much?!! It's totally awesome!!! :-)

All the students I've had the pleasure of teaching and even those I have just passed by at school, have been amazing...although sometimes it just doesn't appear to be that way :-) I think about 96% of the time that I have taught, I have enjoyed being there...and the other 4%...I guess I just wasn't present enough to what I could be learning from the situation.

Not only are the students amazing, but my colleagues are even more amazing! :-) They are the other reason why I love my job so much!!! :-) I guess I've never worked in a place where I've been able to have so much fun!!! :-) My work environment in Switzerland was fun once in a blue moon...okay...maybe a tad more than that...but I knew I wasn't there for fun...I always knew that it would be a lot of hard work...not to mention the white hairs which magically grew on both sides of my head (next to my temples) which came as part of my job ;-p

Find your element and just ride with it...cos I know I am! :-)

Emerging

2008-09-28T08:51:00.004+02:00

Gone are the cold winter days and nights. Slowly I am emerging from my cave which I have been hiding in over the past few months!!! I love the warm weather...absolutely love it!!! I have already plunged into the lovely waters at Clovelly Bay - twice!! And we (me + my two crazy friends who swim with me) are already acclimatising to the currently "cold" water temperature. It's about 21 degrees I believe :-) But with the warm weather, the water should be warming up pretty soon (we hope! as well as every other normal person!!!).

So aside from the Saturday or Sunday early morning swims, I also started playing in a mixed touch-footy comp two weeks ago. The first week was cruisy and I felt like I hadn't run around as much as I would've liked to (by the end of the game). We were playing against juniors! haha!!! But then last week, we played against the Division winners from last year!!! So needless to say we got our asses whooped - even with a 5-point handicap!!! Yes, quite embarassing I know!! hehe...Nevertheless, it was a great learning experience and also, I think I got more than enough of running around that evening!!!

The warmer weather is also melting away my "social recluse"-ism :-) I don't even know when I started becoming a social recluse...maybe it was when I was in Switzerland...yeh...I think that was it!!! All along, I have been blaming 'old age'...but of course nobody ever bought that, not even me!!! Anyway, I ventured out to a friend's 40th birthday dinner two weeks ago in Cremorne, and I had an absolutely fantastic time!!! It took quite a bit of coaxing from my friend though!!! I'm glad that she persisted!! :-) Then I hung out with some of my colleagues after work, which was good fun too!! Who ever would have thought huh?!! Not about my colleagues, but just about me actually being out and about!!! haha...

Anyway, things are looking up and I'm slowly building up my social life again :-) It's been about 3.5years since I've actually felt like being this social!!! God! What have I been missing out on?!!! I've been in a deep sleep!!!

As part of my rehabilitation to rejoin society, I went to see The Living End at the Enmore Theatre last night with my cousins...and WOW!!! TLE totally rocked the socks off the place!!! Frontman Chris Cheney was looking better than ever!! Not that I have a crush on him...but I thought he looked really fit and totally in his element. Every performance I have seen from TLE has been awesome, but I must say that last nights' performance was just exceptional!!! I've never seen a band look so comfortable on stage (and I've been to many concerts!)...and by far, it's one of the best concerts I have ever been to!!!

I watched as they played from their soul. You could feel the incredible vibe. It was like they just melded with their instruments, with each other, with the stage and with the audience...can't really describe it...you just had to be there...:-) just incredible :-)

Proud

2008-08-09T07:43:00.002+02:00

It's only been in the last week that I've felt the spark of Olympic fever. I wasn't interested in reading any articles or watching any special lead-up programs to Beijing 2008. I didn't even think I'd really get into it this time around.

But as I sat down last night and watched the Opening Ceremony with my mum and a family friend, and then later my dad...I felt so proud to be Chinese. What I saw really moved me on a deeper level and I thought how amazing it was for China to put on such a spectacular show, to show the world!!!

As I watched the faces of the volunteer performances, I saw how proud they were to be there and to be a part of history. Pride for their country, pride for their culture, pride for their people. It took me back to Sydney 2000 when I felt so moved during the first full rehearsal of the Opening Ceremony. I remember hearing the crowd cheering and the air was just so thick of excitement and pride...for one's country, for humanity...knowing that I was part of something truly special.

I love the spirit of the games! It's sadly one of the few times where nations unite with no political, racial or religious indifferences. If only humanity could live in this way...

I Heart Google

2008-07-05T07:19:00.004+02:00

It really pays to quickly google "discounts" for anything you are looking for, whether it be concert tickets, fast food, books or electronic items online. Let's take last night for example. I had a real craving for Domino's pizza the night before, but since dinner had already been prepared, I thought it'd do me good to save a few bucks.

But last night I thought...it's pizza night!!! I wondered how much pizzas were these days since I hadn't had some in quite some time. The last I remember was that a Domino's pizza cost something like five or six bucks. So when they had a special offer on the Domino's website for $7.95 a pizza, I thought it somewhat expensive.

Not satisfied with their 'special offer', I quickly went to www.hotdockets.com.au to see if they had any discount vouchers. They did. Pizzas were going for $5.95 each for pick-up. But they were for all the Domino's within 10km of Blacktown except for the one closest to us!!! Typical!!!

So, still not willing to pay $7.95 a pizza, and not willing to drive any further than I needed to, I kept searching...and my efforts were duly rewarded when I found a discount code which gave me three large pizzas for $14.95!!! Oh what a bargain!!! And so, after choosing my three pizza toppings and entering in the discount code, I ordered the pizzas online!!!

Here's another example from a few weeks ago. I was looking for discount tickets to Billy Elliot the musical. My godsister suggested we take our mums to see it, and she also had another friend coming along. It took me a while to find discount tickets, as discounts don't usually apply on Saturday nights...but what I found was just awesome!!! Personally I didn't get a discount, but for my godsister and her friend, who are both under 25yrs old, I managed to save them more than $50 each for their ticket!!! The reason? During World Youth Week, discount tickets are available for under 25yr olds!!!

Oh how I love google and the internet!!! :-) And the discounts even more so ;-)

Leaving

2008-06-16T10:07:00.005+02:00

It was time to leave, my work was done.
In one embrace you dissolved all my tiredness.
You squeezed me tight and held me near.
Eternity passed as our souls connected.

One more chance to say goodbye.
I closed the door and you stood there waving.
A feeling of sadness swept over me.
Maybe it was a deep sorrow from lifetimes ago.

As the physical distance grew, so did the sadness.
I wanted to sob; to bring to surface the deep sorrow within.
My heart wanted to turn back around.
My head said no.

Feeding my soul

2008-05-18T06:03:00.003+02:00

I cannot remember the last time my soul felt such nourishment as it does right now. I have just completed the 4-week full-time CELTA course at International House Sydney and what an amazing experience it has been!!!

Despite the intensity of the course with all the late nights/early mornings preparing lesson plans, it has all been so worth it!!! On numerous occasions I found myself working into the wee hours of the morning, the latest of which I found myself crawling into bed at 4am in the morning!!! And even only with 3hrs sleep, I still managed to stand and deliver with a smile on my face, thoroughly enjoying the lesson.

My new friends from the course - we made it through with incredible support from each other!!! I love you guys and we truly have survived something mammoth!!! :-) I wouldn't have chosen to experience this course any other way!!! :-)

So now my soul is feeling nourished and I will go out there and teach some English!!! See you in the classroom!!! :-)

Recognition

2008-05-18T05:41:00.003+02:00

You turned your head to look at me
Our eyes met for a brief moment.
Recognition registered in my soul.
But my mind was confused.

I dreamt of you that night.
You kissed me
And I could not step away.

I don't even know you really.
I don't know anything about you.
But I feel drawn to you.
And my logic is having a field day in my head.

Poor me...

2008-05-04T13:34:00.003+02:00

Five minutes ago
"Oh poor me....nobody loves me...nobody cares about me....do I want to do all these things?? *sniff sniff* You guys have a weekend and I have to work 7 days a week....boo hoo hooooo...Nobody cares!!! Who else would do it if I don't do it??? It's better if I'm dead cos then I can close my eyes and not have to worry about it all....yadayadayadayada...."

Earlier today
He says: Son...go and bring the clothes in. She says: "No! I'll do it...he won't do it properly..."

And so...I'm trying to concentrate on my next lesson plans and I get caught up in the hoorah of my mother. I just roll my eyes....god help me!!! Or perhaps....god help her!!!

I need to find my escape from the negative energy being created. Dad's chopping away madly in the kitchen...most likely to drown out the whining just like me!!! I close my bedroom door and can still hear Poor Me going on....droning through the walls of the house...

I need to find my escape...my saviour...my ipod and music player...turning it up loud enough to drown it all out...Getting lost in Pachelbel's Canon in D major...ahhhh...

Bliss

2008-04-18T16:14:00.006+02:00

Life is just so grand :-)

I cannot remember the last time I loved life so much.
I cannot remember a time where I felt so utterly free and so full of life!!!
I cannot even begin to describe how I am feeling right now.

It's more a state of being free, of being content, of being love.
It's just a pure state of being.
And it is just so so wonderful...
And it is so so powerful...

It's a serenity.
A contentedness.
Love. Joy. Gratitude.

Humble humble gratitude to my parents, my family, my friends, human beings and all the things seen and unseen.

It is bliss.
It is godly.
It is love.

On Your Birthday

2008-03-23T13:28:00.005+02:00

My niece is turning the big ONE on 28th March. She is gorgeous as anything and is such a happy-go-lucky child :-) Just being around her really brightens you up :-)

Contrary to popular belief when you turn x years old on your birthday, you are actually celebrating x years of life that you have lived. Many people think that when they turn x, that they are living into that age for the next 365 or 366 days. If you think about it, we aren't 1 when we are born! So when we turn 30 for example, yes we have lived for 30 full years!!! :-)

So Happy Birthday to my beautiful niece Sarah! We are all miracles, and I'm glad that we are in this life together :-)

A Knowing...

2008-03-17T15:32:00.003+02:00

She said to me..."You will be back." and she said "I love you."

I thought to myself...I don't even know you, how can you love me? And I thought, I won't be back because I know myself...plus I won't give you the satisfaction of being right...

I took a stand for myself, I put my foot down and said "I am withdrawing from the Assisting Program." We talked for some time. She said "You gave your word." and I said "Well that's just something I'll have to deal with myself." She said "No, I am not letting you quit. I am not accepting your resignation! I am taking a stand for you!" And I thought, "Well that's your choice." and I thought "I don't understand why you are taking a stand for me...you don't even know me."

So here I am 3.5 weeks later. And she knew. She knew that I would be back. She knew me better than I knew myself. And my self just feels utter gratitude and love. Now I understand her vision. Now I know her. Because now I know who I am.

How to spend 10K in five minutes...

2008-03-12T14:52:00.005+02:00

Opening Balance: $10,500aud

1. Log on to Internet Banking
2. Pay for CELTA course: $3050
3. Transfer funds to Swiss Account: 2000chf (about $2100aud)
--> a) Pay 2007 utilities bill: 620chf
--> b) Pay Mastercard: 1250chf
4. Pay Visa: $4000
5. IOU to bro: $300
6. Transfer $$$ to dad for goodwill: $1000

Remaining Balance: $50

God am I feeling rich or what???

See...easy!!! :-)

Now can I borrow fifty bucks?? Please?? ;-p

Passing Moment

2008-03-12T13:15:00.005+02:00

Walking along
I catch a glimpse
of people
of faces.

For a split second
familiarity registers.
Friends from a faraway place.

Everywhere I go
They are there.

A head turns.
A shadow passes.
I walk on.

It's just a passing moment.

Hollow

2008-02-07T13:37:00.001+02:00

There was a vacancy, a void.
I was not there.
You were so gentle and loving
Yet I was not there.

My mind had drifted
My soul just floating
And there I lay in your arms
Only a shadow.

I'm sorry I was not present
To be with you
and to give you all of me.
I did not know better.

And every time you tried
I was not there.
You helped me through
but my wall you could not penetrate
No matter how hard you tried.

I'm sorry I was not there.
I love you my friend.

Landmark & Closure

2008-02-07T12:08:00.000+02:00

Can I be unreasonable? Can I be honest? Do I have the courage?

Doing the Assisting program for the past 3 weeks at Landmark, something about it is just not sitting right with me. I have 'committed' myself to 16 weeks of this, giving 3hrs a week of my time, to not only give to others but for personal gain also. But at the end of every session so far, and the days following my session I am left pondering, doubting...fearful perhaps? of what I don't know?

A few weeks ago I embarked on the Landmark path. I must say that the Landmark Forum has been one of the most eye-opening experiences for me in terms of the way we perceive things in life. You cannot be human and sit there for the whole weekend without being moved by the real-life stories which are told by your peers. So much resonates with you, and so much of what is said is so confronting on so many levels that you can't help but think....WOW!!! If you allow it, you will confront some of your most deepest fears, some of your most deepest hurts. You will be in denial, you will disagree, you will fight with yourself, you will question your beliefs...and in the end you will realise that nothing has meaning. Nothing has meaning save what you give it.

Doing this course really helped me to finally have closure with my last relationship. I could see how and I could see why I was never able to let it go despite telling myself that I 'was over it' time after time again. I had held on to so much...what was said, what wasn't said, what should have been done, what things meant or didn't mean, love, hurt, pain...and in the end it was my acceptance of the fact that I never allowed myself to be angry at him that enabled me to finally free him from my soul.

After the first day of Landmark I called up SS and asked her for some help with an exercise which we had to do. We were talking and somewhere in the conversation she said to me..."I know you...you are angry and you are jealous..." and she didn't even have to finish the sentence before I started bawling my eyes out and I broke down over the phone....I broke down because what she said really hit the nail on the head for me...and I knew it to be so true...and I just cried and I cried and I cried...for all the anger and jealousy which I never allowed to surface over the bumpy ride of the 7 years of my last relationship.

Over that weekend I was so emotional. I remember one morning session the tears just kept coming. It didn't matter who got up there to share...it didn't matter what their story was...I just cried and cried. On the Sunday Robert sat next to me. I always wondered whenever we came in for another session, who I would be sitting next to and what we would be able to give to each other. So Robert and I shared our letters which we had to write as an exercise, to a loved one the night before. In no coincidence whatsoever I had written to my ex and he had written to his ex. Our stories were so similar. I shared mine first and then he shared his. As soon as he started reading, I felt like it was for me from my ex...it was like all the things that I had wanted to hear but had never heard. And I just broke down and couldn't stop crying...and poor Robert didn't know what to do!!! :-) I said to him....Great....now you're going to remember me as the girl that you made cry at Landmark!!! :-) His letter moved me so so much. And I don't think he knows how much he moved me and helped me to move past my last relationship.

Anyway the experience for that weekend was just phenomenal...absolutely 100%...and I'm not just saying that. I definitely got something out of it.

So now I go back to the Assisting program. I have always been one to volunteer my time to help out with things...so naturally I wanted to help out with the Assisting program. For some reason I am really feeling the pressure to stay there...and I know I am putting it there myself in ways...you know avoiding looking bad and trying to look good...But like I said....something just isn't sitting very right with me about this Assisting course. I don't feel like it's helping me grow in any way. I feel quite disconnected from it to be honest. And right now I just feel like I really need to put my hands up...say...sorry to break my promise...but I have to do this for myself and not go on with this Assisting program.

I have created these possibilities for myself...to be honest, worthy and courageous. And in speaking out and saying...hey look guys...this is just not for me right now...I am taking on being honest and courageous!

Living in the Now

2008-01-23T13:35:00.000+02:00

Like millions of people around the world today who heard about the death of Heath Ledger, I too felt deeply saddened about his passing. I was at a recruitment agency around 9.15am this morning when I overheard the news and I felt shocked and extremely sad that he had died. I wasn't even able to fully focus on the forms which I was filling out...

It's a bit strange though as it is only three days into this week and I have heard about 4 deaths. I know millions die everyday but these passings which have been brought to my attention has enabled me to pause and think about my own life and how I am living it.

On Monday I heard a rumour about a dead body of a 29-year-old woman found in the boot of a car in Granville. This morning I learned that an "Uncle's" employee had to take time off work because there was a family tragedy...rumour having been that the employee's brother-in-law had died and he was only 29. Then this morning came the news of Heath Ledger - he was 28. And as I finished lunch with my dad, he was speaking to the chef whose best friend had passed away from cancer last week, and the funeral was just yesterday. He was around 54.

And so, we can look at it one way and say that these lives were cut short unfairly. We can speculate and ask a hundred thousand questions, but would the answers really satisfy us in the end?? Princess Diana died more than 10 years ago now, yet there's still speculation surrounding 'what really happened'. Well...what really happened is that there was a car crash and she died. Nothing will change that fact. No answer, right or wrong will bring her back in this lifetime. Heath Ledger died from a cardiac arrest. Whether that was due to a drug overdose, or pneumonia mixed with drugs...or whatever...does it really matter in the end???

In the light of Heath's death, SS realised "that it doesn't matter how old we are when we die. If we didn't harness our potential or what we came into this world to do, we can live for 80 years and still the potential is unrealized. He realized his potential in 28 years." I wholeheartedly agree with SS. We are not to know what the pact is that we made with ourselves, with god before we came into this world. Yet when we fulfill this agreement, our soul will know and then it will be time to move on.

"I completely live in the now, not in the past, not in the future." This is what Heath said. This is how he lived. How awesome is that? I believe that only when we are fully present to the present, and completely living in the now, will death not phase us. And when you reach that point, you will know that everything will be just fine. You just know.

Second Best

2008-01-21T22:42:00.000+02:00

I sit here honest and open.

In the past few weeks I have been in a bit of a career dilemma. I called a recruitment agency to enquire about a job which I had seen online. Reading the job advert I was able to tick the boxes next to pretty much all of them...and it was only a 10-month contract.

I spoke with the young woman and told her that I had intended to commence studying in February full-time, but that the job looked interesting to me. When she saw my resume she called me back and said that I was the "perfect candidate for the job". She asked me how likely it would be that my Master degree application would be accepted. She sounded very keen to forward my resume to her client, and it made me feel very good about myself...ergo...a personal trap!!!

Let's rewind a little bit though...

When I left Switzerland, my plan was to come back here and attain a Certificate in English Language Teaching to Adults (CELTA). This involves a 1-month intensive course and by the end of it I would be qualified to teach English to adults. This I had my heart set on. I even had a plan on how I would pay for it...I had it all mapped out...

But then some funds never arrived which I was expecting and so started a chain reaction of events...of reasons why not to fulfill my calling...and it goes like this...

Ohh...the funds never cleared so I can't do the CELTA...but I want to study something...so I'll pick something which I don't have to pay upfront. How about a DipEd? That's something I've always wanted to do...Oh bugger! The institutions I want to study at don't offer a DipEd to teach young kids...OK...how about a Master of Teaching (Primary) degree...that sounds alright...2 years study...hmmm...it's something at least...but 2 years...that's a bloody long time...how will I support myself?? Okay...I'll apply for it anyway...hmm....I should earn some money before uni starts...I'll do some casual admin work...Oh! this job sounds really interesting...working for some "world renowned independent media organisation"...the job description sounds like what I used to do...but hang on, it's a long term contract..."You're the perfect candidate for this job" says the lady...Damn it! I am good aren't I?? And damn it...I do love my numbers don't I?!...So why exactly have I chosen to do a Masters degree?? Am I doing it for the right reasons??...Damn it! The lure of money for 10 months and doing something which I know I can already do...

I had already decided yesterday that I would be happy for the recruitment agency to forward my resume to her client. I told her so.

I chatted to SS last night telling her my dilemma. By the end of our conversation, she had saved me!!! :-)

Things have been very muddy infront of my eyes lately and SS really helped me to see things clearly. She said...you are worth so much more than $2600 (the cost of the CELTA)!!! So don't let this little hurdle stop you. You already know in your heart what you want to do. The easy option is to take the 10 month job because you know you can succeed at it, and then at the end of 10 months they'll probably offer you another 6 months, which you won't be able to say No to....and then we'll be having this same conversation 1 year down the track!!! And then you'll be 10 months behind on what you really want to do!!! And you'll keep putting it off!

It's so true! I realised how much I almost let one little thing change the course of my life!!! Here I was for the longest time, telling myself, telling everybody that I'm going to teach english...and so had my sights set on it...then I almost let myself take 10 steps backwards!!! Because of a small financial hurdle!!!

SS said...ask for help...create that possibility! And I said...yes, I know I am very bad at asking for help! And she said...yes you are! And you're the one who always helps everyone else!!!

For me, I felt like studying for a Master of Teaching was my best option because I wasn't able to afford the course which I really wanted to do. SS said...Masters degrees are bloody expensive and one way or another you're gonna have to pay for it whether it be now or later!!! She said...don't accept what is second best...take a stand for yourself! Even in the areas of relationship you accept second best...

And in that moment, I realised how true it was...that some things in my life I had taken the second best option...that I had caved in so easily to being agreeable with the people around me that my true needs were not met...and so down the track uneasiness and unhappiness creeps in.

My brother asked me this morning whether I had heard anything from the university or if I had heard anything about a job. I told him...Nope! Not going to do any of that!!! I'm going to do the CELTA!!! And I told him about my phone conversation with SS...and my realisation about what I had almost done...and he was with me...he understood.

And so, here I am honest and open. I am committed to completing the CELTA within the next 3 months because I am choosing what is best for myself :-) I am finally feeding and nourishing my soul, which has been starved for the longest time...

New Year, New Cheer

2008-01-02T03:14:00.000+02:00

Happy 2008!!

For the first time in a long time I welcomed in the New Year in my sleep. Feeling a bit under the weather after returning from the South Coast the day before, and having done 7hrs of housework straight, I popped two Panadol rapids, read some Harry Potter and crashed out before 11pm!!!

Celebrating New Years is so much about being with my friends more than family for me. This year the Magnificent 7 were scattered all over the place...on a plane, in the States, in Shellharbour, at home with the kids, out at another party and asleep!!! :-)

Anyway, it's 2008 and it's a new year. I am looking forward to the change and challenges which lie ahead for me. For the first time in 5 years I am not working full-time and I am choosing to take a different career path. I know before I said I had intended to complete the CELTA in January this year...which I then changed to February...and now...to go somewhere else, I have just registered my interest to complete a Master of Teaching (Primary) at ACU in Strathfield. When that gets approved I will be commencing full-time studies from February 11th for 2 years :-)

My parents are a bit worried about my financial circumstance. They think it's a waste that I have worked so hard in my previous career and gone so far with a great salary, that I would choose teaching and start from the bottom again...

I'm not worried because I am consciously choosing a path which is my calling. It is what I want to do. And I believe that if you love what you do and are passionate about it, then you are able to create create create the greatest things for yourself.

I never imagined myself to be studying again. But the more I read the course subjects the more I feel like...'Yeh! That's what I want to do!' And it feels right at this moment in my life. I know I will be approaching study from another perspective and I feel confident about it...and I am looking forward to being a student again :-)

So I guess I will be staying put for 2 years in the least :-) Yeh....:-)

Cheers to 2008!!!

Less is More

2007-12-06T01:17:00.000+02:00

My room is a mess and I'm trying to tackle the mountain of big and little things which I have collected over the years. Over the past year I have come to realise that really, we do not need all that much to survive...so now I am sifting through all this crap which I have hoarded in the past and I wish that I would have come to this realisation earlier...like maybe 10 years earlier in the least!!!

Textbooks...from high school, from university...which are now useless! Why the hell did I keep them all??? And now I have trouble donating them even! The only place for them now is the recycling bin!

Plastic bags!!! Like 3 bags full of them!!! What the??? Luckily I can now drop them off at my local Woolies for recycling also!!! That's comforting in a way. I cringe now whenever I buy groceries and they put my stuff in plastic bags (I did take my stuff out and repack into my own material bag afterwards!)...or when my mum comes home with groceries and more plastic bags...

My clothes...well, I must say they were the easiest to sort through and dispose of...all going to the Salvos! But it's the little things in my room which are taking me forever to go through!!! Keyrings, pins, badges, watches, cassette tapes, foreign currency, small ornaments...all which have a considerable layer of dust on them...I should just close my eyes and throw everything out...

So anyway, I better get back to it...I have about 25 years worth of trinkets and treasures to sort through. And yeh I know I am 29 but I'm sure I wouldn't have collected anything in my first 4 years of life :-)

My valuable lesson...donate your stuff...or sell your things while it still has some value...you certainly won't miss it!!!

Past Life Regression

2007-11-27T13:30:00.001+02:00

The following are notes from a Past Life Regression session which I did one evening at SS's place - we did this exercise listening to a cd - and this is what came of it...

26th September 2002

"Floating down I could see myself bare-footed. I was wearing a wedding gown. And I floated down and down and the setting was a farm somewhere in the US. The skies were blue and there were clouds in the sky. The weather was warm. I lived with my father - there was no presence of my mother - maybe she had died giving birth to me. The era was the 1950's and the word 'Worthington' flashed infront of me.

I think my name was Jessie - probably short for Jessica. I helped my father out a lot to run the farm and on weekends we would go to the markets and trade our stock for other things.

My heart was heavy as my lover had gone off to war and had not returned. There was a sense of not knowing yet knowing at the same time that he would never return. There was no news that he had died - so there was always that hope. But deep down inside I knew.

We were to be married, but I could not see the future. And so I lived my life with that spark in my heart - hoping that one day it would be reignited. And I saw my grandmother from my current lifetime - she was my lover's mother in that lifetime. She saw me and I felt that we were very close. She urged me - with all the love that she had - to let go, to move on...and I cried - we cried in each others' arms. One shedding tears for a lost son, one shedding tears for a dream that could not be realised - both shedding tears for a loved one who would never return physically.

And so day in day out, my life was lived with hope - but as each day drew to a close the hope died a little more.

I could not picture my death very well - I could see though that I died fairly young, and of a broken heart. No medical cause could be found for my death so they put it down to natural causes. And I believe my lesson was to let go..."

I found the above extract in the pages of one of my journals the other night. I read it and it made me cry. It resonated with me quite deeply. It helped me to understand to a certain degree my relationship with X. For some reason - of which I do not quite know myself - I had been hanging on for quite some time. There was always this flame of hope in my heart and it was only extinguished when I knew for certain that he would not be mine because he was somebody else's.

At least in this lifetime, I can look beyond. I have let go. So at least I won't die of a broken heart :-)

Dangels

2007-11-11T15:16:00.000+02:00

It's pronounced as 'Angels' with a D in front :-) It does not rhyme with 'bangles' :-)

My rugby team. My social life in Swiss. My great friends.

I never would have imagined coming to Switzerland and playing in a rugby team. But being part of the Rugby Club Luzern, and especially playing with the Dangels has been the highlight of my time in Switzerland.

In ways it reminded me of my dragon-boating days in CYL...the same yet totally different. The same as in the feeling of being part of a great team and having lots of fun drinking...and drinking...and playing drinking games...and the occasional stripping...and the road/train trips...but most of all...coming away from it with a great bunch of friends...

I cried. Cried about the thought of how much I will miss everybody here. The first time I cried about this was after numerous drinks after my last game and my Coach saying to me...'Once a Dangel, always a Dangel.'...which just tipped the emotional scale and tears started coming down my face which I couldn't stop. Then I proceeded hugging everyone saying...'I can't believe I'm crying! It's the alcohol!!!' :-) The tears just wouldn't stop.

I cried again last night. At the Roadhouse saying goodbye to Lollipop and Esti. I thought I would be able to hold back, but I felt the bubble burst and the tears came again...Again I had had numerous drinks :-)

They gave me a gift...a gift which is priceless. It was a photobook with pictures from my time with the team...shots from the games and also from the after-parties :-) Needless to say, almost every shot I was a bit tipsy...along with the rest of the team...including our Trainers :-) They all wrote messages in there for me...I didn't know what to say...except that I really loved the gift...and I will treasure it...

So thank you to my dear fellow Dangels!!! I love you all!!!

This is not Goodbye, but 'See you later!' :-)

Your Jackie Chan :-)

Swiss Angel

2007-10-07T22:38:00.001+02:00

Call upon me
Not only in times of despair
But also in joy.

I am omnipotent.
I am here. I am there.
I am in the mountains,
I am in the lakes.

I walk beside you.
I carry you.

I embrace you
With all my love
With all my light.

I bring you peace.

Amethyst

2007-10-07T22:29:00.001+02:00

I am not just a stone.
I am a gem.
I am not only of the earth
But of the heavens
And the whole cosmos.

My brothers and my sisters,
Many lie unearthed, undiscovered
Holding the earth's healing energies within us

We emanate light.
Light which is pure love.
Magnificent, brilliant
Awaiting your recognition.

We are contained within the universe
And the universe contained within us.

Mountain Maple

2007-10-07T22:14:00.001+02:00

I am the Mountain Maple.
I stand here before you with grandeur.
I existed before time
Before the first thought.

Stand in my glory.
Draw near to me.
Bathe in my light.
Feel my healing energies.

I cradle you in my strong arms.
Rocking you to sleep.
And as you drift,
My leaves, ever so gently
Brush against your cheek
Sending you into a dream...
Where I am you
And you are me
And we are one.

I Am My Sister

2007-10-07T21:50:00.002+02:00

6th October 2007

I am my sister.
We are one and the same.
In the grand scheme of things
We are all one.

For a moment
I had floated.
For a moment
I saw that I was bigger than myself.
That I was her
and she were me.

Ramblings & Ruggers

2007-09-24T20:20:00.000+02:00

Sometimes my thoughts float to how things will be when I go home to Sydney. I know things will be different because I have changed in many ways. All my married girlfriends have their own agendas; one of my girlfriends will more than likely move to the Gong and another will most likely not be in Sydney when I return. So I think...will I make new friends? Will it be more about time with my family? And how much of that will I be able to tolerate...?? I think that it will be a time for me to discover more about myself in the place I escaped from for a little while - with no attachments, no commitments and a brand new slate. The only commitment I have to make is to myself and to live my life fully.

A few weeks ago lots of thoughts were floating around in my head. And for the first time in the 2.5 years that I have been away from Sydney, I actually didn't feel like going home. Some say that 2 years is the magic number to settle into a place...

It was a rather strange feeling for me. I felt very settled indeed with my life here. Aside from my job, I was very happy with everything else. My friends, where I live, my bestest flatmate in the whole wide universe :-) And just the easy-going lifestyle :-) I found myself very confused and not knowing what I should do. Lots of thoughts were floating around in my head..."Should I stay in Sydney? Well, I have to go home for Christmas! Maybe I can find a job here in Europe! I can get my CELTA and teach anywhere pretty much! Should I leave my things? Should I pack everything up? Should I close my bank account? Will I come back here? Maybe I will go and work in Dubai?! Or Vienna perhaps?! What is back in Sydney for me besides my family? My friends. Yeh. But everyone is doing their own things...I feel so removed from everything in ways. Things will be the same yet different...I don't know!!! What to do?! What to do?! God please help me!!!"

I woke up the next morning and I felt very calm. My first thought was..."Yes, I must go back to Sydney and then take things one step at a time. Time. There is plenty of it." And then I knew that I would be okay and that I needn't worry about things that have not happened yet :-)

~~~~~~~~~~
Some days I feel quite removed from my wonderful Findhorn experience. It's been 5 weeks since that time. It almost feels like it was just a dream...so long ago...But at least I will see my friend Hugo in 2 weeks, so that should lift my spirits once again into the clouds :-) We will be attending this workshop by one of the founding members of Findhorn (Dorothy Maclean), which will be here in Switzerland!! The workshop is called Connecting with God and Nature. So I think perhaps it is something which I will need...and the timing is perfect...just to remind me again of how much in alignment with God I can be :-)

~~~~~~~~~~
The previous weekend I was in Cardiff with Petra and Christa. It was such a bloody awesome weekend!! In ways I wish I had written a blog about it as soon as I got home as I was still whirling from the magic that was being in Cardiff during the Rugby World Cup!!! Most of it has rubbed off now, so it'll probably be a boring account from me!!! Sorry!!! :-)

Yeh so being in Cardiff during the Rugby World Cup was just the best!!! It's one thing to watch the RWC when it is playing in your home town, but it really is something else when you go to support your team abroad!!! There were sooooooo many Aussies out and about in Cardiff that one gentleman commented "Are there any Aussies left in Australia?!" :-) I just had to grin stupidly at the comment. Actually, all weekend I had a silly wide grin on my face :-) The atmosphere on the Saturday just blew me away...

We stumbled upon a bar called "Kiwi's" and I felt a bit awkward at first being surrounded by all the AB supporters!!! But then we moved along a bit and found another entrance to the same place...and we came upon Jane and Nick from Adelaide!!! Hooray!! And also Simon from Canterbury NZ!!! :-) Tell you what, Jane and Nick were so cool!!! :-) I'm so glad we met them because we had such a great time before and after the match!!! We must've met the coolest bunch of people in Cardiff that day :-)

The experience of being in Cardiff, watching rugby, watching the Wallabies, watching them beat Wales and silencing the 40-thousand-plus Welsh crowd...was just bloody awesome mate!!! :-)

The next day the streets were dead. I couldn't quite believe it!!! Where did all the people go overnight?!!! But anyway we still had our fun and the real bonus was meeting some of the Fijian players in Kiwi's bar after their game against Canada!!! Ruggers are so nice and big and strong and muscly in all the right places ;-p I'm gonna get myself a rugger ;-p hahha...

Fighting for Love

2007-09-05T21:49:00.000+02:00

Some time ago I was speaking to a friend of mine. We were talking about our past relationships and about soul mates. He told me about his ex and how he realised that she was the one for him, but how she was with someone else now and living in another country.

I asked him if he had told her this and he said yes. I then asked him why he didn't go after her. He said that she was loyal and would not leave her current boyfriend.

Back then I believed in fighting for love. I couldn't figure out why, if you loved somebody that much, why you wouldn't go after them?? I thought, if I were that girl, I would want somebody who loved me that much to fight for me...it would be courageous...romantic...

And now, as I stand where my friend had stood, I understand why he did what he did. I think that true love cannot be fought for. Fighting and love do not go together no matter what anyone says.

I believe that to truly love and be immersed in love, one must surrender and let things be...

Your Gift

2007-08-26T09:41:00.000+02:00

You looked into my eyes
And penetrated my soul.
You saw my truth.
And it revealed my hurt, my pain
That had only been known to me.
And only me.

I felt a sadness overwhelm me.
A deep sorrow that had been mine
For as long as I could remember.

You held me.
You loved me.
Unconditionally.
Even though I barely knew you.

You released the part of me
That held on so desperately
To the past.

I want to thank you
My dear friend.
For your gift.

Warmth

2007-08-24T16:59:00.000+02:00

You stare at me
With your cold cold eyes.
Sometimes it frightens me.
And I feel frozen to the core.

But it takes only a moment
For the coldness to disappear.
And beneath it all
Is warmth.
Curiously sticking its head out,
At times afraid to come out.

But it's there.
And it's comforting.

Eternity

2007-08-24T15:41:00.000+02:00

Never had I felt
Such great distance
Between two people.

There we lay
On the same bed
Yet I clung onto the side
Like hanging on for dear life.

Our hearts - so distant.
Our souls - universes apart.

I felt the cold
Even though it was a warm summer's night.
I stepped outside,
And stared at the stars.
You didn't even notice I was gone.

I lay next to you
And felt the warmth of your body.
I cried.
Because in my heart I knew
Eternity would not be ours to share.

A Vacant Stare

2007-08-24T15:36:00.000+02:00

I looked into your eyes
To search your soul.
But your eyes revealed
Just a vacancy, a void.

But still I pursued.
I thought I could awaken
Your soul, your truth.
And re-ignite the flame.

But over time I realised,
It is not my place to do such things.
We all grow in our own time.
We all learn in our own way.
We all define love differently.

Let's fly

2007-08-22T17:59:00.000+02:00

Look into my eyes,
Deep into my soul.

I stand there
With arms wide open
And a heart overflowing with love

I emanate light.
Light which is pure love.
There are no shadows here.

Take a step inside
And hold my hand.
I will embrace you with love
And together we will fly.

Space Cadet

2007-08-19T15:11:00.000+02:00

I arrived back to London yesterday after spending a week at Findhorn Foundation in Scotland (a spiritual community). The state which I was in is best summed up as a 'Space Cadet' as my friend Jase called me :-)

I really was in la-la-land. I was in such a loving and peaceful space after I left and I felt very different. Jase asked me how my week at the 'hippy community' was and all I could say was that it was absolutely awesome and great...my voice in a dreamy kinda state. Jase asked what drugs I was on...hahhaa!!! I said I'm on a natural high...high on love and love of life :-)

And oh wow...I cannot even begin to describe my experience at Findhorn...I don't know where to start...what to share...

I never knew that one could fall in love so easily with a bunch of strangers. There were 10 others in my group, all on Experience Week and I love each and every one of them, not to mention our 2 'Focalisers' for the week, who were like our Guides.

It was a week of self-discovery and inner reflection. I learnt how to be more open and just allowing others to love me, and that it is okay to ask for help and to let others do things for me. I have been the kind of person to always look out for others, always be there for them, and I give and I give and I give...Yet I always find it difficult to receive from others...I kinda put up this wall, fooling myself that I am ok and that I don't need anything from anybody...

It's kinda like...I am always appearing to be 'OK' to other people...People always see me as happy, enjoying life, laughing, loving...but hardly anyone sees the cracks...the fragility that is me...but I am only human after all...

Being kind, gentle, caring and loving to other people comes naturally to me. I do not have to think twice about these things. Having these things reciprocated has always been difficult for me. I do not know why. I never used to take compliments very well at all. Laughing it off was the only way to deal with the embarassment which I felt if someone noticed something nice or good about me. But now, I am learning to accept these things and to say 'Thank you for noticing' whenever I receive a compliment :-) And in saying that, I acknowledge the good that others see in me.

I have received many compliments within the last two or so years, but the ones which stick most in my mind are 'You are a top girl' and 'You are a very attractive girl'. The second compliment especially has taken a while to sit comfortably with me...because I do doubt it...because I fail to see it...Though I do believe that attractiveness also accounted for personality when this compliment was made...

Perhaps I find these compliments difficult to accept because the people who I want to notice these qualities in me, appear to me not to notice these...this is what I came to realise last night...and so now that I have come to this realisation I can release it from within me...And I thank from the bottom of my heart my friends Billy and Owen for noticing these qualities in me :-)

The Findhorn Experience brought lots and lots of laughter and also lots and lots of tears. I thank my new and very much treasured friends from the Experience, and I thank them for sharing this part of my life journey with me...

There was one evening during an exercise when my soul was touched very deeply. This exercise involved just gazing into another's eyes and really noticing them, because it is said that the eyes are the window to the soul...In this exercise, after both parties felt ready to move on, they would gently squeeze each others hands and then link up with another person in the room.

My partner was Hugo (god bless his gentle gentle soul), and at first I was feeling a bit goofy having to stare into someone's eyes. It's not something I find comfortable doing...but after a short while the goofy grin on my face faded and I was left gazing into these beautiful eyes and into this beautiful beautiful soul...I felt this sadness start to overwhelm me...and after a short while we just embraced each other and I felt like sobbing...I really did...but the tears wouldn't come...and so we just held onto each other...and I felt like I never wanted to let him go...

He saw me for the person that I am. He saw my soul and he reached out and touched it ever so gently. And through his embrace he told me...'It is OK to be loved'...

This particular experience was very strange for me...I didn't know how to accept it...so I had to just let it sit with me for the rest of the evening...It was lovely...so lovely and so loving...and I am extremely grateful for the experience...

For now I will wrap it up for this blog...I will perhaps write a bit more later...

Love and Light to all my dear friends in the universe...

Stillness

2007-08-10T18:16:00.000+02:00

Recently it has really come to my attention how impatient human beings are. How we go through life as if it's a race. How everything must be available to us - pronto! Because time=money and money more than anything is precious!!!

I'm in London at the moment for pleasure, and I just spent almost 2 hours sitting in Jenny's Cafe near Chinatown just taking my time eating and drinking...and just observing people in general - the people walking past outside...the customers coming in and out of the cafe...

I wondered how many people could actually sit still enough in one spot for say half an hour and just be at peace with themselves? Could they sit and just observe what was happening around them? To create a stillness within themselves and just...watch?

I wondered if people these days even tasted their food when they ate. Why are we always in such a hurry??? Why has life become such a race? Such a rat race?? Things to do, people to see and all that riff-raff...For me, living in Switzerland has allowed me to slow down and smell the flowers :-) Because my life was very much like what I see today with people...always busy busy busy...life going along like a freight train...And you really don't know how to slow down...

I also wonder why people are in such a hurry to board an aeroplane? Even before they call you up to board people are already queuing up. What's the hurry??? It's not like the plane is going to fly off without you!!! Most flights have allocated seats anyway...so I do not understand it.

I guess for me...it doesn't concern me when I have to board Easyjet flights without any allocated seating. Flying on my own, it doesn't matter where I sit...even if I am in Boarding Group 'A'...It's much of a muchness to me...Let the impatient people fight over the seats...I'll take what's left...and all flights I have flown with Easyjet so far, I have had awesome seats close to the front!!!

So when then do we find the time to slow down?? I remember in 1998/1999 how busy my social calendar was. I felt that my life was going along like a freight train until my grandmother become very ill...and then everything just slowed down amazingly...Everything which I loved to do with my friends took second priority...I didn't even care. It was kinda like my grandma's illness plucked me from a really busy sidewalk and placed me on the side where I could observe everything from another angle...

And then my grandmother passed away and it made me re-assess things in life. Losing someone close to your heart like that does that to you. Some people welcome the reassessment with open arms and fly with it; while sadly, others just ignore it.

If we could all create that stillness within ourselves for even ten minutes a day, how different the world would be. Would we like what we see about ourselves?

The Rugby

2007-07-26T09:11:00.000+02:00

I wrote this after the Tri-Nations decider last weekend...

Despite the 26-12 defeat to the AB's yesterday, I was quite happy with the performance of our boys.

You see, almost EVERYBODY expects the AB's to win. They have this expectation that they should be winning every game because they are the best team in the world. I read an article that many of the Kiwi players were 'disgusted' at the loss to the Wallabies from the previous fortnight...Well, you know, if I was an AB supporter, Australia would be the team I would want to lose against if...lo-and-behold-if-heaven-forsakes that they would lose!!!

And so after the game, I smiled. I thought, well done to the AB's, but definitely better things are coming the Wallabies way :-) My personal opinion is that the AB's have plateaued for the World Cup. There is so much talk and them 'peaking too early'...but then again...they haven't really shown any peak this Tri Nations series...so maybe they do have something in the bag come World Cup time.

I guess a lesson for everybody is that one should never dismiss the AB's. They are the ones who can make something out of nothing and that is why they are currently the best team in the world!

As always, I am behind our boys all the way. And NZ has always been the team I barrack for if they are not playing the Wallabies...you know, neighbourly love and all :-) And so...I am looking forward to yet another semi-final showdown between these two great rugby nations come October ;-)

A Change is Coming...

2007-07-14T21:21:00.000+02:00

I feel on a soul level that a change is coming...I don't know, it's just a feeling.

I am very excited yet a bit afraid at the same time. There is nothing to be afraid of I know...but I guess old habits die hard...

Quite a few things have happened in the past few weeks...maybe kinda like a light being switched on and a bit of a prod from divine powers that they are with me every step of the way...

Scottish things
I have booked myself in for a spiritual awareness week in Findhorn, Scotland in August. My soul calling for some time-out will be granted when I go there. Ever since I booked this in mid-June I have come across so many 'Scottish' incidences. I met up with Petra's workmates one weekend and 3 of them were from Scotland. Another time I was on the bus and I heard 2 girls talking - one in a Scottish accent! Then I spoke to a friend from another rugby club and she was going to Scotland during the Rugby World Cup to watch a game there. I didn't know that she had spent a year in Glasgow to learn English. And what is more, she told me she spent 5 months in Aberdeen, which is close to where Findhorn is!!! Then the other day the TV was on and I heard 'Scotland Yard'...

Rainbows
About 2 weeks ago I was thinking what I could draw for my SS. I decided to draw her a rainbow. Later that day Petra emailed me and told me that she saw a rainbow that morning :-) So I told her about my rainbow drawing :-) She then said that I had sent her a rainbow as a gift earlier that morning on Facebook...which I had totally forgotten about!!! How bad is my memory?!! So...3 rainbows in a day :-)

Sam
A few nights ago I dreamt about a friend from uni. Her name is Sam. I don't know her that well, but we did speak occasionally and we also have a mutual friend Diana. I dreamt that we were chatting and she told me she lived in 'Pam Hills' which was somewhere in Sydney in my dream. And in an instant, like in the blink of an eye, we found ourselves there. Before us stretched wild grass and beyond that a nice lake. Behind us were all these houses like in a housing estate. We chatted and all of a sudden I saw my school friend Bron's sister. She came and sat next to Sam and myself. I was wondering where my friend Bron was and then she appeared. It wasn't until I was writing this dream down in my journal that I realised I had 2 Sams in my dream because Bron's sister's name is Samantha also!!!

Chatting to Sze after I had this dream, she mentioned the medium which SS and I had gone to see a few years ago. Straight away I said...Oh yes, Sam Harding. And only then did I realise that was the third mention of 'Sam' within like 2 days of each other!!!

So I don't know what's with all that, but I think it's really cool :-)

Also within the last week I finally acknowledged to myself that although I still love a certain someone, I knew that I was no longer in love with him. That road has been very long and the path perhaps too worn. I felt a bit of sadness wash over me but we did have some really really good times which will always live on in my memories. Our relationship has tested my utmost strength and played on my weaknesses. It has brought me to great heights and also to the depths of my despair. Despite the strong bond that we once had, and the certainty I once felt, I feel that we missed our chance a long time ago - and so we must move on. I certainly do not regret the path that I have taken :-) It has strengthened my soul :-)

I felt a kind of release. And this time, despite me saying this numerous times before...I really am letting go :-) I realised that by letting go, I am free to love again and more importantly to allow myself to be loved. My angels keep whispering in my ear that there is someone out there who is more than I could have ever imagined or wanted. That he is waiting and that when I see him I will know. Perhaps it's just my wishful thinking :-) But I'd like to believe the angels on this one ;-p

So, bring on the change! ;-)

Motivation...

2007-07-04T19:48:00.000+02:00

For the past 3 weeks my motivation levels at work have hit the lowest of low!!! I just cannot be facked to do anything!!! And ok, it was alright for a while because I had nothing major due, but now it's Reporting time again...and I am supposed to be up over my head with work...yet I sit here and can't get a push to start something. Ok...well, I do bits and pieces but nowhere near enough to what I should be doing!!! I think of all the work I must get through before my holiday at the end of this month and I just want to cry!!!

And despite me knowing how much I should be getting done, I play around on Facebook and write on my blog!!! Man, I haven't experienced procrastination like this since...since my university days when I had to study for exams or do an assignment!!!

Shit!! Where did the motivation disappear to?? Well, even if motivation doesn't kick in, I have time that will loom up like a freight train...and then I'll be sorry!!!

God can only help those who help themselves!!! ;-p

A Visit...

2007-07-04T19:03:00.000+02:00

Shortly after my godbrother Ray passed away back in 1998, I had a visitation from him. People who have experienced a visitation will tell you that it is very distinct from a dream. It's like a dream except that it is so vivid and your senses are heightened and you just have this awareness. Well, that was my experience anyway.

I remember vividly how I was at his place and I went around to the back-yard with my brother. I was talking to my brother and all of a sudden I caught something from the corner of my eye. I turned around and saw this brilliant golden-orange glow reflecting off the fence. The next thing I remember was Ray coming up to by brother and I (we were standing side-by-side), and he put his arms around both of us and he said to me...'I am alright'.

There was so much love that I could feel in this 'dream'. It was just amazing. The whole experience was amazing. It stayed with me for a long time afterwards. And when I went to pray for his soul at the Nan Tien Temple in Parramatta, I saw the golden statue of the Enlightened One and the colour was exactly that which was in my dream.

I cannot remember much more detail right now as it has been 9 years since that time...and with time the memory fades a little :-)

I do not really know why I have written this now. Perhaps it has to do with my mum's Aunt passing away last week. She was 90-something and I think lived a very long and good life.

I am just thinking in my head how many people I know have passed over since I left Sydney. Firstly my grand-dad on my mum's side passed away the day I left Sydney. Then my grand-dad on my dad's side passed away 4 months later. I also remember my friend Simon's dad who passed away, and then an uncle of mine. And now my mum's aunt.

I am not afraid of death. It is part of the cycle of life and death and life again :-) Life is never-ending. We never cease to exist. We just change forms :-)

And so it is...

2007-07-01T18:59:00.000+02:00

And so I have officially tendered my resignation from my current position here in Switzerland. When I went to hand in my resignation letter last Thursday and my boss asked me for the reason, I suddenly felt overwhelmed and actually burst into tears infront of my boss!!! I told her that the main reason was because I missed my family and friends too much...*sniff*...and she asked me jokingly if I really did miss them that much...and yes I do miss you guys that much :-)

I seriously did not expect to be so upset!!! But I couldn't control my emotions and the tears just came out!!! Now, I wasn't crying because I was resigning or sad to be leaving the company at the end of October. I think more than anything it was more relief. Relief because for a long time I knew the day would come. And when that time came, I knew that finally I would be heading home for good.

And so I have already made my plans to leave Switzerland. I will be leaving on November 12th, spend some time in Malaysia with my parents then spend a few days in Hong Kong whilst my parents fly back to Sydney :-) And I will be arriving home on my mum's birthday on November 24th :-) And then just chill out in December :-)

I communicated to my old boss in Sydney that when I figure out what I wish to do, then perhaps I will be in touch with him for any job opportunites. They have already told me to make sure I speak with them before I go job-hunting :-) Which is always reassuring!

Back in early April when I had already been thinking about leaving towards the end of the year, I wasn't sure whether or not I still wanted to work for the same company. At that stage I really had had enough and felt that I just needed a break. Then over the course of two months there were some changes in the Oz office and suddenly I thought...maybe I do want to work for them again! And I had been toying with the idea. Actually up until last night I still thought I had wanted to go back and work with my old boss. They are a great bunch of people to work with!!!

But something changed last night...

I realised that the only reasons I would go back to my old company would be for security purposes and for the people there. I know that I would probably get paid well and I would be more or less familiar with the work - or at least be able to pick things up pretty quickly.

But what do I love doing? What do I enjoy the most? What makes my heart and soul smile?? And the answer that came back to me, the answer that I have known all along, is to work with children.

I had this vision of working with kids and coaching them. I'm talking about primary school kids here! I remembered a time when I taught my godsister and godbrother some maths and I remembered how much they enjoyed it. My godsister reminds me about it from time to time and tells me how much fun it was and that she did learn something :-) I also have this vision of working with adults and helping them with their English.

And so I am going to ask for divine guidance to help me onto this path. I truly believe that if you do what you love then the money will follow...and so I should step out of my financial comfort zone and freefall. The rewards I am sure, will be greater than any measureable thing :-)

Disappearing Act

2007-06-27T15:15:00.000+02:00

I don't really know why, but right now I just feel like disappearing for a while.

This morning at home I logged onto Facebook and saw that 2 of my best buddies had joined and I was so excited and happy!!! Then as I was sitting and waiting for my ride to work, all of a sudden I felt the need to just get away from everything and everyone. No internet, no mobile, nothing.

I kinda just felt like getting away from everything that I knew - for a week or maybe two. I felt like totally disappearing and only my mum would be able to reach me...

I don't know why or what is happening to me. But as my SS told me - I must trust my vibe and create some stillness for reflection.

Maybe it's the thought of a specific someone, or the prospect of having to face my boss tomorrow after she found out about my plans to leave Switzerland from someone else! It is possibly these things, but I know that on a soul level, it is something much greater...

At the present moment I feel that something within me is not in alignment with my higher self. So I am feeling this push and pull which is uncomfortable. I think I am about to undergo a phenomenal transition on the spiritual level...

So let me just disappear for a while...

Emotions

2007-06-25T20:19:00.000+02:00

I don't know why I am feeling a bit emotional these past few days. Perhaps it's something in the cosmos or perhaps it's something to do with my bio-rhythms...whatever that is!!!

They say that feelings and emotions are the language of the soul - so what exactly is my soul trying to say to me?? I guess I should quiet my mind and listen up more closely...

Yesterday, courtesy of Petra, we were volunteering at the Ironman Triathlon in Zurich. It was heaps of fun and an awesome experience!

Competing in any triathlon is no mean feat. It is a real test of fitness and more so a real test of the power of the mind. In yesterday's triathlon, the competitors had to swim 3.8km, cycle 180km and then run 42km!!! And all in a day's work!!! I cannot even begin to imagine how gruelling the whole exercise is!!!

After being on my feet and in the sun for almost 10 whole hours helping out, my head felt like it would explode by the time I finished up!!! And I was only doing mild labour compared to the athletes!!! I did get more exposure to the sun than I would have liked though and my guess is that I suffered from a mild case of heat stroke!

Anyway after finishing up with our volunteer work around 6.30pm, Petra and I started cheering the remaining competitors on, as they passed the volunteer's area. I think many of them were delirious by that time - since they started the competition at 7am that morning!!! The majority of them gave us a wave or a smile or a 'thanks' as we cheered and clapped them on. I wondered aloud to Petra whether the athletes would get annoyed with our cheering and she said no, that in fact they really appreciate it -and she was very right.

After a little while we headed over to the finishing area - the home stretch. It was amazing to watch these athletes muster up their last bits of energy and finish the race - the looks of relief on their faces as they ran the last 50 meters. But what touched me most was seeing these athletes being supported by their kids or their whole family even - including their family dog!!!

I saw maybe 3 or 4 athletes running down the home stretch holding the hands of their kids...and it just moved me so much!!! There was one memorable moment when three little kids started jumping up and down yelling - 'There's daddy! There's daddy! Quick! Quick!' and they ran out to their dad as he rounded the corner, and together the four of them ran to the finish line, hand in hand. It was so moving :-) I had to wipe tears from my eyes :-)

In the meantime there was this little girl maybe 2 years old in a pram next to me. Little blondie had such a cute smile and every single time I looked at her she would laugh and shy away from me. I didn't think I looked that funny!! hahah...:-) So I looked at her quite often just because her laugh and smile was so cute :-)

Anyway, speaking of emotions...this morning I saw a photo of my Soul Sista Eva from about a week or so ago with some old friends from Sydney who were visiting HK. Seeing the photo just made me miss her so much, and it made me miss my friends heaps too. And I got a bit teary-eyed! Something in the planetary alignments I tell you!!!

Who cares?

2007-06-21T01:02:00.000+02:00

Waiting for my video to be uploaded on Facebook, I was browsing the Good News Network website (www.goodnewsnetwork.org)...And the stories there always move me in some way...

Sometimes I'm so busy doing my own thing, so busy in my world of technology that I forget. I forget that there are people out there who devote their time towards making this world a better place to live in. I forget that there are people that actually truly care for the well-being of others, for the state of the world in which we live in.

It's so easy to just forget sometimes because maybe we think the world is already a mess and beyond help. Perhaps we think that we alone cannot make a difference. Maybe we think...what good is it if I do something to help someone, to help the world around me and the person next to me just undoes what I go out to do?

What if we thought differently? What if you knew that you alone can make a difference to the world, by your actions, by your words? It all starts from somewhere. Quoting from Mohandas Ghandi..."Be the change that you want to see in the world."

Addicted

2007-06-17T10:54:00.000+02:00

I am currently addicted to Facebook!!! Perhaps I will write more in my blog once the Facebook novelty wears off!!! :-)

Anyway, a few months ago Petra had sent me an invite to join Facebook. Honestly I wasn't all that keen on the idea. I didn't really know much about it, but to me it was like meeting random people online, which I am wary of. So I never joined.

Just last Monday I was chatting to my godsister on MSN and she told me I should join Facebook, and again I was still feeling reluctant about it and told her yeh, that I would check it out later!!! That evening when I got home from work I received another invite to join Facebook from another friend...and so I thought...well twice in one day...there must be something to it...so I will join!!!

And I did. And now I am addicted to it. I do not know why?! Perhaps it is being able to get in touch with friends from long ago. It is like this one place where you can go and see what your friends have been up to, send them short messages, see photos of each other. I think it is a really easy way to communicate with friends, especially if you don't really want to read long-winded emails or don't really have much time to write them personal emails! :-)

Also I think it's cool to see 'six degrees of separation' and who knows who and how :-) I feel like telling all my friends who are not already on Facebook to quickly jump on the bandwagon and see what all the fuss is about :-)

Well, I must get back to Facebook now :-)

Dream

2007-06-05T01:12:00.000+02:00

Living in the present
Does not mean I cannot fantasize.
About you, about your warmth
Your kisses, your embrace.

Reality is what we create.
And sometimes I can only dream.
Dream until I can almost smell you.
Dream until I can almost taste you, and feel you.
Dream so that you become real.

The Vault

2007-06-03T23:01:00.000+02:00

I never expected to see you.
And then you appeared
like an apparition.

I had almost forgotten
what you looked like.
All the memories of you
locked inside the vault
inside my soul.

But there you stood
in my reality.
And I called your name.
And you looked up
Equally surprised.

And you smiled.
And with that smile
You unlocked the vault
Awakening all the memories
inside my soul.

Technology

2007-06-03T22:19:00.000+02:00

Oh wow! Who can believe that I am actually writing this post from a small hostel in Hamburg, using wireless internet from the hotel on my new Nokia E65?! I am writing this like I am texting...so a bit of a pain but it's a novelty at the same time! Plus not to mention that I am bored! :-)

Anyway I am in Hamburg for a metaphysical seminar on the Secrets of Atlantis by Diana Cooper. Those who know me very well will know that this is my kind of thing :-) Those who think they know me well but didn't know that part of me...well there you go :-). Well I am here purely for this seminar and I know it will be just awesome :-)

Work Work Work

2007-05-12T13:23:00.001+02:00

Fack! It's a Saturday, I'm at work and I cannot be facked to do anything at the moment! That's why I am writing this :-)

It's a bit silly really. This is the second time where I have pretty much had to work double-time so that I can go away for a few days in peace and not worry about work! Not that I worry about my work. But sometimes I just feel this responsibility to deliver what I am supposed to!!! It's not even a proper holiday I am going on. I have just taken 3 annual leave days over a weekend and a public holiday to spend 6 days in London! And sure the work will still be here when I get back!! I guess I just have a knack of taking time off at the 'wrong' times!!!

I always wonder why some people work so hard. They pour everything they have into work work work - and for what? For some gold medal? For some big prize at the end? I guess maybe for self-satisfaction...to see what you can achieve...I think in the end though that the reward at the end ends up to be a booby-prize! :-) haha!

When I hear about people that work long hours and on weekends...and they don't get anything back for it, I think they are absolutely nuts and that no-one really cares whether they put in all this extra overtime or not. I think some people set the standards too high and so then they have to suffer each time to reach that mark...every night, every weekend. What is it all for really?

And so when my workmate Bianca questions me and says I am silly for working these long hours and on weekends...which only happens like once every two months...I somehow try to defend myself and tell her that it just has to be done! And then I feel really hypocritical!!

But for 95% of the time, I do know where to draw the line when it comes to work and having a life :-)

On Thursday I was quite stressed as I knew I had a lot to get through. On Friday I still had a lot to stress about, but I thought to myself...what's the point in stressing? You can only do your best to get through what you can. And so I was feeling really good on Friday and smiling at work even!!! :-) And I got through what I said to myself that I would for the day!

And so on that note...I better get something done here!

And P.S. I'm not a workaholic! :-)

Untitled

2007-04-29T11:07:00.000+02:00

10th April 2007

I try to sleep
But I lie awake.
An intense feeling
of missing you
washes over me
and swallows me whole.

I cannot fight it.
I can only feel it
and surrender to it.
And then it will pass.

I did not ask for it.
I do not understand it.
But I accept it.
For it makes me whole.

Chocolate Brownies & Grandma

2007-04-20T20:11:00.000+02:00

I made some Chocolate Brownies yesterday thanks to Jamie Oliver's recipe :-) It really did turn out delicious!!! I recommend it to everyone...even if you don't think you can make it!! Hey, even I managed to make it!! :-) I thought I was really crappy at making cakes and things like that. It's probably been at least 10 years since I have made anything of the sort!!! But this one was really simple and made from scratch even! No packet mix!! :-) It was actually my trial batch as I have to make some for after the rugby match this Sunday! I brought some into work this morning and they all disappeared!!! I had to tell people at work that Petra made them for me as comfort food as I was at home sick yesterday :-) Really I was not feeling well...but I managed to make some brownies ;-)

Anyway I just had to share that whilst I was mixing the egg into the mixture my arms started getting tired from the stiring...and it made me think of my childhood and how grandma used to get one of us to get the egg beater and mix the butter and sugar...for what seemed like forever!!!

I laughed out loud (I was home alone) because I remembered the days where I used to loathe it when grandma used to make a cake and we'd have to help her out! It was soooo boring mixing the batter!!! My arms would almost fall off!!! So as I put effort into mixing my Chocolate Brownie mixture I couldn't help but smile and laugh as it made me think of grandma :-) And it made me very grateful for those times :-) My arms nearly fell off too yesterday, but at least I really enjoyed the process :-)

And let me leave you with this...a few weeks ago I was at work and wanted to eat some chocolate. My workmate said to me 'Oh! that is so bad and not healthy!!!'. And I responded...'Actually it is very healthy - because it makes me happy!!' So eat and be merry is what I say! ;-)

Here and Now

2007-04-18T20:44:00.000+02:00

The sun shines.
I know where I am now.
It was never about you.
It was never about you and me.
It was never about the past,
Or the future.
It was always about me
And how I choose
To live each moment.
Right here, right now.

Friends with Johnnie

2007-04-16T21:22:00.000+02:00

Johnnie Walker that is. I cannot remember the last time I got this drunk on scotch & coke :-) I think it must have been at least a year ago!!! But I think that time I intentionally went out to drink to try to forget a few things for a night.

Saturday. It was a hot day! After spending a day in the sun watching the guys play rugby, Petra, Lea and I took the train back to Luzern from Zug. Lea asked me, 'Jackie, will you come for a drink with me at Billy's when we get back to Luzern?' I said, 'ummm'. Lea said 'Because otherwise I will feel really stupid drinking there on my own...:-('. I said 'aww...okay then.' And so that was where it started...and why I found myself still sitting at Billy's late at night, well after Lea and Petra had gone home!!!

But actually it was a really great night :-) See, when I get drunk I tend to talk a lot more. And for my friends here they think it's a miracle that I talk at all!!! It is a bit hard with the language barrier, though most of the Rugby gang do speak some english...even so, I tend not to say much at all and just observe.

Pascale and Marcel - these two guys I have known for probably a year to a year and a half now. They are friendly guys but I never talked to them much before. Oh but after maybe 3 or 4 Johnnie's I couldn't stop chatting! I asked them where they lived, what they were studying, how old were they?! I kept saying 'Cheers!!'...haha...and apparently - though I cannot remember this - when they told me they were 25 I told them that they were babies! hahha...

After my 4th or 5th Johnnie, I said to Petra that I would like another drink but was afraid that I would throw up if I had another one!!! I think I was on my 5th or 6th when Petra left me chatting to the boys and she went home!!! I must have repeated a hundred times to the boys how I couldn't believe that Petra left me on my own!!! heheh...By the time I left Billy's I had had 7 Johnnie's! ;-p That I can remember! Plus my wallet was so much lighter than at the start of the evening!!! I was home before midnight because I had a game of rugby to play the next day! When I got home the toilet bowl was my friend also ;-)

Waking up the next morning I actually felt quite fine. I don't suffer from hangovers as much as most people! In the morning I was just hungry and feeling wide awake! We had to take a 2.5hr train journey down to Yverdon to play our game. That was when I felt the effects of the alcohol!!! Rocking train + 7 scotch&cokes the previous night = nausea!!! I wanted to close my eyes but I think that makes it worse...so I kept looking at the nice scenery of the lakes and mountains outside :-) I managed not to throw up but was still feeling quite green after we got off the train.

The coach said we had the option of walking or taking a taxi to the pitch. I wanted to walk because it was such a nice day, but mainly because I couldn't stand the thought of being in a moving vehicle again - even if it was only for a few minutes!!! But anyway it was one-in-all-in and we ended up cabbing it! Lucky I didn't puke as I was sitting in the middle!!! :-D

I have learnt not to drink so much the night before a game!! Even if it's only a friendly game!!! I don't know how people do it! Must be getting old!!! heheh...I certainly know how much it affected me on the field...I was just totally useless with much slower reactions!! Johnnie was still running through my veins!!!

But still, I had heaps of fun and still remember bits and pieces from the night which make me smile :-)

Mr Singh/April

2007-04-08T22:50:00.000+02:00

A few days ago Mr Singh passed away. Speaking to my mum on Good Friday, she told me that 'the old man across the street' died. I only knew him as a friendly wave and a smile - quite often whenever I left the house. I think that the number of times I conversed with him in the 16 years I had lived at Ashgrove Crescent and we were neighbours, can sadly be counted with both hands.

I was a bit shocked by the news. Death in any form, whether by old age or other means, is not something you hear about every day with someone who you (sort of) know. Actually I never even knew what Mr Singh did. I know that his wife - Mrs Singh - was a high-school teacher. I know that he has two grown-up sons in their 30's and that one of them got married a few years ago and had a son. I know that his eldest son is a doctor. I know he used to go walking a lot and he always seemed to be at home...

To me and to my family, he was always the friendly old man from across the street. I wish that I at least knew his first name...but none of that matters now. I know that he is resting in peace and that he is smiling down upon all of his loved ones, even though they may be crying from his departure.
~~~~~~~~~~

April. A time to remember two of my loved ones who have passed from this earth. April 16th marks 8 years since my dear grandma passed away. Actually I had a dream about her last night although I cannot recall the details right now...April 21st marks 9 years since my dear godbrother Ray passed away...

Grandma & Ray, I love you guys and miss you lots. Life has been quite a tremendous journey since you went away - and I know you have been there every step of the way...

A Job, a Career and a Vocation

2007-04-01T20:35:00.000+02:00

Three weekends ago I went to London for a weekend 'Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL)' course. I think it's one of the best things I have ever done!!

Recently there was an article in the SMH about three kinds of work -a job, a career and a vocation (or a calling). I have always known what my vocation would be - to educate, to teach. Somehow, so far I have never managed to take a step towards my vocation. Actually when I was a kid, up until I was 16, I always wanted to become a school teacher. At the end of Yr10 my English teacher asked me what I wanted to become after I left school and I told her I wanted to become a teacher. She said to me...'Oh no! You don't want to be that!' And so, for some reason, I changed my mind on the spot there and then and decided to go into computing.

Reflecting upon her words now, I am surprised at how easily she influenced me. She wasn't my favourite teacher, but somehow what she said set me on quite a different path. I guess though, perhaps I would not have had the same opportunities had I chosen the path of teaching at university. I would not be doing what I am right now if I had taken that path. I like to think of it as a blessing in disguise :-)

I knew though, that sooner or later I would not be able to ignore my calling. In a roundabout way, I would not be able to escape it. And so the TEFL course in London was my first step towards my calling. Although I may not ever use that TEFL certification, it is a start for me onto a path which I know will be more personally fulfilling.

I need a career-break. In two weeks time I would have been living and working in Switzerland for two years!!! It's quite hard to believe how quickly time has passed us by!!! In two weeks time, I would have been working in the same industry for 4 years and 8 months!!! (Not that I am counting! :-)). By the time I leave the company - which will be end of October I have decided - I would have been working in the same industry for 5 years and 2 months! That's a long time for me! I know that the option is always there for me to work once again in the Sydney office. I am grateful for this, however I believe that I really just need to take a few months off and decide what I really wish to do with myself.

I have my eye on completing a 4-week intensive CELTA course (Certificate in English Language Teaching to Adults) when I get back to Sydney in November. This will certify me to teach English to Adults the world-over, so the world will again be my oyster. I do wish to work closer with children though, so I will have to research my options and go with what feels right to me :-)

Many of my friends tell me that they can see me as a teacher and that I would make a great one at that too :-) There is nothing to lose and only everything to gain :-)

Proud Aunt

2007-03-28T21:40:00.000+02:00

Today I am feeling extremely happy and proud. My second niece came into the world less than 24 hours ago at the time I am writing this :-) Baby Sarah was born on 28th March 2007. My sister refused to tell me what she was going to name her second child. She wouldn't even give me any hints despite me being overseas!! But Sarah, that is a very nice name :-)

My friend Tammy had a baby daughter around September/October last year (sorry I cannot remember!) and named her Sarah. I thought, that is such a pretty name :-)

And so now I have two nieces - Ashleigh and Sarah :-) Mum said Sarah is just gorgeous with jet-black hair and two cute little dimples!! She even opened her eyes when mum went to visit tonight. The only thing, mum said, is that she has a flat nose like you!!! hahaha...Thanks mum! :-)

And so, we have another little angel in this world :-) I have not seen any pictures yet, but I cannot wait to meet her!!! But that won't be until November this year!! I guess in the meantime, I will just have to watch her grow from photos! :-)

Oh, and from my last post where I said it was raining babies...well, afterwards my girlfriend Jenny told me she was pregnant with her second child and will be due sometime in August! See...it really is raining babies!! :-)

It's raining babies!!!

2007-03-11T22:41:00.000+02:00

OMG! I just read my cousin Robert's Yenblog and there will be three new additions to the Yen clan before the year is out!!! My sister is due any day now with her second child, and my cousin Grace is due with her first sometime in August. Then my cousin Robert's wife is due with her second sometime in September!!! Not to mention that towards the end of last year, babies Jordan Phillip and Renee joined the family!!! Next thing I'll probably find out that one of my girlfriends is preggers!!! :-) It seems like everyone wants to have a golden little piggy! :-) Well, it's great news all around :-)

Well, I just had a lovely weekend! :-) First I went shopping with Petra and her mum...and all us girls know how terribly draining it is to go shopping!!! I was very good and didn't buy anything as I have reached my spending budget this month already! Actually, on Friday I spent a chunk of money on booking a flight to London for this coming weekend and also booked myself into a weekend course to be certified in "Teaching English as a Foreign Language". I'm not sure I will actually use this certification for anything, but it is a start on the road to my vocation - which is to educate, to teach.

I spent Saturday evening in a village called Muotathal, which is where Petra grew up and where her dad's family still lives. We spent maybe two and a bit hours playing with her little brothers who are 2.5yrs and 4yrs old. And by the time we put them to bed by 8.30pm I was totally exhausted and felt like going to bed myself!! hahah....Instead I stayed up watching some tv show I couldn't understand a word of!! :-)

Muotathal is the kind of place where busy people like Sydneysiders would take a weekend-away break to. To be in a nice little house, with a fireplace perhaps, surrounded by snow-capped mountains and a great river which runs through the village. In the evening, the skies are so clear and the stars oh-so-bright! It was really nice to get away for part of the weekend :-)

On Sunday morning Petra and I took her little brothers Levin and Micha to an animal park where you can feed the deers. Petra's older brother Cornel joined us also. For the first time I saw a reindeer...well, I think it was a reindeer as I just googled it! It was the first time I had seen an animal with huge antlers! It was pretty cool!!! There were heaps of deer around and I also saw the Billy Goats Gruff :-) hehe...The coolest thing I saw however were some bears!!! They were just awesome!! Petra said they were brown bears, and their fur was a very light brown in colour!!! They were bloody massive!!! I took some pretty good snaps as they came to sit on some rocks which were only about 2-3 meters away from where we were. There was some water separating the bears from us!

About 3-4 hours at the zoo with kids is pretty draining...actually more than half an hour with any kid that is awake is very draining!!! :-) But it was a lot of fun and I would do it again, though perhaps not that often :-)

I wonder how many more babies will rain down on me by the time I head home to Sydney? :-)

Snowboarding weekend

2007-02-25T22:24:00.000+02:00

Two weekends ago I went to the Rugby Club's skiing/snowboarding weekend to a place called Melchsee-Frutt very close to Luzern. Petra and I got a lift with our friends Christa and Winu and I think it only took like 45 minutes drive to get to the mountain!! :-)

The weather when we arrived was grey and cold. I've been really spoilt with fantastic weather on the very few occasions which I have gone snowboarding. So for once I got to experience probably more normal conditions!!

I actually wasn't too keen on hopping on my board to be honest. Probably cos of the weather and my nerves. But then I just need to push myself a little and I'll be fine. I'm just a slow starter is all :-) I had all the rugby people around me who have so much experience on the slopes...and then there was me! Petra boarded with me...she's so cool and patient when it comes to snowboarding with me :-) My first run I took a few stacks but was fine. There was one fall however where it was really bad and I had to regain my breath lying sprawled on the snow. That one really hurt!!!

After that, Petra and I stopped at a bar and spent over an hour there :-) I had some coffee schnapps thing and also tried to eat this soup. I wasn't that hungry but the food smelt so good!! I however felt sick when I started eating the soup...it wasn't that the food was bad...I think it was a mixture of the coffee schnapps with the bad fall that I had which made me feel like throwing up everytime I took a spoonful of the soup!!! But I eventually finished it with Petra's help!! :-)

Then we carried on with snowboarding. We went down a run shared with sledgers (where you sit on a sledge and slide down the mountain). At first it was alright. I made a big stack early on and remember just lying sprawled on the snow again totally disoriented!! Slowly I made my way to where Petra was.

Then things started to go bad for me...The snow on the run was compact and each time I fell, I was quite determined to get back on my feet straight away and to keep going. But after falling so many times and on the same bloody spot on my butt, I got really really frustrated and gave in. Cos it really started to hurt after a while!!! I was so angry and annoyed with myself. I lost my confidence and just said...fuck it! I can't do this anymore! And just walked down the mountain (it was a long way)!!! Petra asked me to try and sit on my snowboard to slide down the mountain. I did try for a short while, but I couldn't even get that right!!! My mind had already given up!!! I was such a grumpy bum!!!

I was really glad when we got back to our little hut. We stayed overnight and it was great fun. I don't think anyone really had a late night as we were all quite buggered! We ate this traditional Swiss meal which was macaroni with cheese and apple sauce!!! It's really weird seeing it...but actually it goes really well together!!! Then later we played some games and had a good laugh at those that were drunk and attempting to think at the same time :-) I though, was not drunk :-)

One of the guys lost a bet or something and had to go outside in the snow and slide down the slope naked!!! hahahah...that was great entertainment for the rest of us!!! hahah...

On the Sunday I was energised again after a good night's rest and wanted to hit the slopes, forgetting about the bad afternoon I had the day before!!! I tackled another black run...though actually it was only black cos there was one really steep part which was also quite icy! I think I managed that by sliding down on my ass! hahaha...After we finished that run, we stopped at this hut...and actually I had no idea that that was the same hut we had been hanging out at!! I was just really disoriented!!! haha...

I felt so good with that run that we did the same again. The weather on the Sunday was quite miserable...windy and really really grey!!! But that didn't bother me! I was so happy that I hopped on the ski-lift, actually forgetting to undo my foot from my snowboard!! hahha...It wasn't until I got on with Petra and Christa, and they mentioned it to me! hahaha....So I undid it when I was riding on the ski-lift! hahaha....

The second time round, I actually sorta fell off the side of the mountain! It was a little scary, but I didn't fall that far and was back on track in no time! When we eventually made it back to the hut, there was a snowstorm happening at the top of the mountain and all ski lifts were temporarily suspended. It was a bit crazy watching the weather and I was glad I wasn't outside!!!

Overall I had a great weekend, but I'll try never to give up so easily again with my snowboarding!! :-)

Some kind of Magic...

2007-02-22T22:46:00.000+02:00

A new light
illuminates my path.

I can feel
my skin start to shed
I can feel
myself breaking free.

The veil has been lifted.
The hurt, the pain, the tears
of yesterday
have been released.

It's like I am soaring.
It's like...some kind of magic.

Fasnacht

2007-02-19T23:26:00.000+02:00

Ever been to a costume party? Remember how you would literally run from your front door to your car hoping that nobody would see you? Then you'd be safe in your car until you had to make your way from your car to the party scene?!

Well, I love costume parties! :-) And for one week every year, Luzerners throw the biggest costume party...perhaps in the world. Though I cannot vouch for that. The week before Lent begins, Luzern is turned upside-down. The usually clean streets, serious-looking faces of the locals, well-mannered, quiet Swiss...are magically transformed overnight...but only for one week! And on Ash Wednesday everything magically goes back to normal...clean streets and the Swiss back to their normal 'boring' selves (so I've heard!). It's a bit like the coach from Cinderalla turning back into a pumpkin at the stroke of midnight!!! And then nine months later, there's a boom in the population!!!

In my older age, I tend to dislike crowds and drunk people more and more. So for me, I would prefer to be a party-pooper and stay away from this party atmosphere! My flatmate asked me tonight if I wanted to head into town. Of course my answer was 'No thanks.' But I was out during the daytime, and that counts for something at least :-)

I was the minority today as I walked amongst the crowd. I took a half-day off work to watch the parade in town. On the train-ride to Luzern, it was just packed with people all in costume for the big party! It was great seeing all the Swiss dressed up and happy :-) You can't help but smile when you see all these costumes! :-) Very colourful and some very creative :-)

I reckon maybe 85% of the people in town today were dressed up. I really felt left out. I should have perhaps donned a witches hat or something, or maybe put on my Wallabies jersey with my Wallabies beanie! hehe... I went in to see the parade, but as I am a shorty I couldn't really see much so I took a walk around instead. There was so much happening all over the place. Lots of 'guggamusik'...which is like carnival music...lots of brass bands playing. It was just awesome!! It really lifts your spirits and you walk around with a huge smile on your face :-) The weather was also great today, which topped it off :-)

As it was daytime, there were lots of kids around and they looked soooooooo cute all dressed up!!! Well the parade went on for about 2.5hrs I believe. I'm actually glad that I didn't stand around for that long, but instead walked around and bopped along to the music around the town. One band even played Green Day's 'Paranoid' which was absolutely awesome! And another played 'Mamma Mia' :-)

I took a few pictures and for the first time am putting up pics with my posting!! Oh, and all the people in the pics are total strangers! I really admire the Swiss for not giving a rat's arse and dressing up and walking around in their costumes in public :-) I guess everybody else does it!! :-) So why not?! :-)

Take Flight

2007-02-17T13:23:00.000+02:00

23rd June 2006

Take flight.
Find the edge
and take a step into the unknown.
Upon the wings of love
you will be lifted
and you shall not fail.

Take flight.
Find your feet
and they will guide you.
Each step of the way
an angel will walk beside you
and you shall not falter.

Take flight.
Spread your wings
and you will soar.

Someone Like You

2007-02-15T23:39:00.000+02:00

6th October 2005

Someone like you
Makes me laugh
Makes me cry.

In the moment I think of you,
A smile breaks across my face
And no-one knows my joy.

In the moment I think of you,
My heart just aches
And no-one knows my pain.

Joy cannot exist without pain
That is the tragedy
That is the triumph.

I Wish

2007-02-15T23:29:00.000+02:00

26th May 2005

I wish you were here
So we can watch the sunset
So we can climb a mountain
So that we can just be together

But many oceans separate us
And I am here and you are there
And I don't know when I will see you again

Life is strange
Or maybe it's the human race that is strange
Or maybe it's just you and me

I wish I could have told you
What has been on my mind and in my heart
For so long now
And sometimes I wish we would have done things differently

But living in the past is no way to go
So we learn from our mistakes and our fears
And we look ahead to a brighter future
Possibly together, possibly not

Wherever our paths may lead
Whatever roads we choose to take
Know that I will never be too far away

Releasing thoughts...(on relationships)

2007-02-12T23:01:00.000+02:00

I came upon this email I wrote in November 2005 to my friends, on relationships. It's kinda fitting now as just this weekend passed, I was told about three relationship break-ups...

"When you're in a relationship, and things are falling apart, you wonder at what point this started to happen? Surely it wasn't always like this. It's kinda strange right now...but I guess maybe it's always happening this way...I know of three weddings this month, and I also know of three relationships which are on the rocks this month. Is it something about this time of the year or maybe this is something that happends all the time, 365 days in the year?

At what point do you stop loving someone? Or at what point does one realize that the constant fighting is doing neither party any good? At what point do you stop and think to yourself, am I happy in this relationship? At what point did communication break down? When all is said and done, is there anything more to say and do? Or do we just look at each other like we are strangers and have nothing to say anymore?

It’s all so confusing. The constant battles with each other, with ourselves. The constant questioning of self-worth, of trust, of time wasted, of love – was it for real? The feeling of numbness, to our thoughts, to ourselves, to the world around us, drowned out with some alcohol or the confines of our own emotions.

Will it be the end of something that was just never meant to be? Or will it be the start of something greater and grander than before? I guess in a lot of ways, when relationships break down, it is our ego which is bruised the most. The reality is that we have loved and we have embraced the best qualities of the other person. The illusion is the perceptions which we have of them, how we expect them to be, and so our egos clash and that’s when it kinda turns bad.

Sometimes I think we expect too much…of ourselves, of the other person, of how we are meant to feel or act, of how we think we should be. Sometimes we just have to throw expectations out the window and just live and just love and just accept people for who they are. Sometimes we just have to take risks. Sometime we have to take life by its balls and squeeze everything we can out of it, because if we don’t then our lives can become meaningless.

I heard this quote once which said “A life lived in fear is a life half lived.” So what’s fear then? I think that fear is never knowing what you want in life. I think fear is not daring to go beyond your own boundaries, your comfort zone. I think fear is not having the guts to take control of your own life and steer it in the direction that you want. When it comes to the crunch, really it’s all a matter of personal choice. We have all feared something in our lives, and I’m sure we still do, and still will till our dying day. But this fear needn’t be so lonely. There is no need to feel like we are in a black hole. If we surround ourselves with our family, our friends, the people that truly love and care about us, we can be assured that they will never let us fall. The constant love and support which you get from these people is truly divine.

I believe in unconditional love. I believe that love should be enough. But in this lifetime, I have questioned my beliefs time and again, and I am still learning."

It's been almost 15 months since I wrote what I did above. I still believe in unconditional love. I don't know anymore if I believe that love should be enough. I would really like to believe it again.

Grass is Greener...

2007-02-06T00:03:00.000+02:00

In the 21 months that I have been here, most people I have met are in awe when I tell them I am from Sydney. Their faces just light up and they have a huge smile on their faces. Many look at me incredulously when I say that I actually live here. Some think I am a student, some think I am travelling. For them, they cannot believe that I left such a beautiful place to come and live here!

They always ask me why and I always have the same answer ready. I say - it's just different :-) And I tell them that their country is beautiful also. But it puts a huge smile on my face when they tell me how much they love Sydney or how much they love Australia, or how much they would love to go there :-) It makes me very proud to be an Australian :-)

Before I came here, when I told my family and friends that I was moving to Switzerland, they were equally in awe as I was!!! They said "Switzerland?? Oh wow!!!". I think the majority of us Aussies have this stereotypical image of Switzerland in our heads - snow-capped mountains, skiing, snowboarding, cheese and chocolate :-) And perhaps a bit of yodelling as well ;-p

The first few days I was here I was gob-smacked by the beauty which surrounded me. I could not believe that I was in such a place! It was like a fairytale! But most days now I fail to really notice the beauty...unless I'm up on a mountain somewhere and can take the time to stop and look around. It's kinda sad.

It's funny how the grass always seems to be greener on the other side. It's funny how friends and family tell me that I must be having the best time over here, because that's what it looks like from my photos, and from what I write in emails. But then, who ever takes photos of people when they're sad or lonely?! Who wants to hear about another day passed-by with just waking up, going to work, coming home, making something to eat, watching tv, going to bed?!! haha...:-)

It's a bit scary when I think about how long I have been here! Almost two years now!!! Though I have been back to Sydney on three occasions in that time :-) My niece Ashleigh can walk and talk now. She was only three months old when I left :-) I found a picture of her in my wallet the other day (I use the term 'wallet' cos 'purse' is too girly! hehe..) when she was one week old...and it made me smile :-)

I never thought the grass would be greener on this side of the world :-) It was not the reason I came :-) I needed a new challenge and just something...different :-) And that I certainly got! :-) They say that home is where the heart is. My heart definitely belongs to Sydney. Always has, always will :-)

Weeeeeeeeeeee...

2007-01-28T22:29:00.000+02:00

Woke up this morning at 5.30am to leave for Arosa ski resort. It took us about 4hrs to get there from when we left our place. The weather was just superb...and that makes it great snow and sunny blue skies 4 out of 4 times I have hit the slopes!!!

I didn't believe that I could have so much fun snowboarding...but today...today was heaps of fun!!! :-) To be honest I was a little scared of going snowboarding today. If Petra had told me she didn't feel like going, I would not have protested one bit!!! But away we went...and I am really glad that I did :-)

I guess the memories of Christmas Day were still in my mind where I really tackled the mountain and survived to tell the tale! All I remember about Christmas Day was having hardly any control of my board and flying down the mountain at very high speeds!!! And tumbling and falling heaps!!!

After today, where I was actually at one with my snowboard about 85% of the time, I can highly recommend beginners to try an intermediate or advanced run after two or three times on the snowboard. Seriously, going down an intermediate or advanced run takes the fear right out of snowboarding...for me anyway!...and it made today quite easy and really enjoyable :-)

I only did two runs today on the slopes, but I was really proud of my improvements and had a huge smile on my face all the way home :-) The first run of course took forever as I was still finding my feet and learning to keep 'on the edge', and yes, I still managed to get stuck in some snow :-) Then Petra and I stopped at one of the bars for over an hour, enjoying the sunshine and music and drinks :-) Then the second run was superb! I was having so much fun...I yelled out 'Weeeeeeeeeee...' and of course so soon as I did that, I stacked it! haha...

I am actually not afraid of going down slopes...you just kinda do it. Nor am I afraid of stacking it. My only fear is that I will take someone out or make them crash each time I fall over!!! I hate falling and then looking back to see all these expert skiiers and snowboarders come flying down!!! I hate being stuck there and almost always apologetic!!! Though I guess most of them have so much more experience behind them, that it would be easier for them to move around me! I guess they were all in my boots once :-)

Well, I'll try flying down the mountains over here a few more times before I head back to Oz :-) I think I'll definitely buy this snowboard set after the season is over :-)

What's in a dream?...

2007-01-24T23:10:00.000+02:00

Two nights ago I had a mild headache as I finished work. Then I got a lift to Luzern from my colleague and it made the headache worse! It was great that Petra cooked that night because I pretty much went straight to bed after dinner, and it was only 9.30pm! I only go to bed that early if I am feeling ill...which thankfully is not too often!

So I popped a panadol and went to bed. Strangely enough, I woke the next morning and could remember the dreams which I had dreamt...

I saw my 'A-maa', who is my dad's mum, who passed away from cancer eighteen and a half years ago now (wow! has it really been that long?!!). I rarely dream about her, so it was strange that I did. I was never really that close to 'A-maa'. I was only ten when she passed away. I remember at her funeral my cousin Grace told my sister and I that we had to pretend to cry because it was a sad occasion. So I tried, but I don't think it quite worked for me. My mother on the other hand, scared the living daylights out of me at the funeral. All I could remember was that I was praying really hard for her not to fall into the hole in the ground when we had to sprinkle dirt onto the coffin. My mother was almost hysterical and I was so scared that she would fall in! Thankfully two of my uncles came to support her and take her away from the hole in the ground!!

Well, back to the dream...I spoke with my 'A-maa'...I was me as I am now, and she was sick with cancer. I walked beside her and supported her, and asked her how she was. I never remembered her to be a frail little thing, but in my dream, that's what I thought when I saw her. I helped her up some stairs. I helped her cross the road. I carried her in my arms to a mini-bus...

This mini-bus is somehow linked to a small airplane in my dream. And the next thing I know, I am squeezing in the back of this plane with a small red-headed freckled-faced kid and some big guy at the back. In the front seat, next to the pilot was a sick kid, who also had cancer.

I do not remember much else of that dream...

The next dream, I dreamt of my really good school friend Karèn. Ours is the type of friendship that will last a lifetime, no matter where in the world we are, and no matter if we are able to catch up twice a year or once every two years. We always pick up where we left off :-) Perhaps I dreamt about her because she might be coming to visit me sometime in March or April this year?!

The last dream was very personal and I woke up with tears in my eyes. It's like sometimes when you try to move forwards, something jerks you back. I do not know whether this dream was from my sub-conscious or a message of some sort...it leaves me pondering. I wonder if there'll be another chapter or episode?!!

I love how dreams are up for personal interpretation. You can consult all the dream dictionaries in the world, but only you yourself can unlock the real mysteries behind your dreams! If I remember my dreams, I try to write them down straight away. It certainly makes for interesting reading somewhere down the track! And it also helps me to understand myself better too :-) Sometimes :-)

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

2007-01-24T22:44:00.000+02:00

Wow!! At long last the snow here in Central Switzerland has arrived! Everyone was second-guessing whether or not the snow would come at all!! Last Friday, temperatures hit 16 degrees celcius! How crazy is that?! It makes you wonder about the effects of Global Warming!

Anyway, last night as I left the office, I waited for the bus and you could definitely feel the cold!! It had been raining a bit earlier, and I wondered, as I looked up at the street light, whether it was rain that I saw or teeny-tiny snowflakes falling down...then walking home from the bus-stop snowflakes fell...and I smiled...because at long last, winter had arrived!

I don't totally, absolutely love the snow...I prefer blue skies and sunshine any day! But there is just something magical about the whiteness...when everything around you is just...white. It's beautiful and it's just...wow!

The snow kept falling all day while I was at the office, and even when I got back home. This weekend I am heading to Arosa with Petra for some snowboarding :-) I think I have to wipe the dust off my snowboard gear since it was last used on Christmas Day!!! Crikey! It's been a whole month already!!! And in another two weeks I will be going for a ski/snowboard weekend with the rugby club! I really hope to snowboard more and at least learn some control while I board :-)

Nothing that exciting has been happening on this end. I've had a very busy two-weeks at work, even staying till midnight last Friday night (though trust me, I don't make a habit of it!). I just have to do what needs to be done! Booked a flight to London in May to watch the Heineken Cup final. By then, I will certainly be itching for a few days away!

That's my update! Hope all of you in Sydney are 'Slip, Slop, Slap' -ing if you're out in the hot hot sun! :-)

Until September...

2007-01-16T22:52:00.001+02:00

Last week, I finally admitted to myself and to my friend Jase that I am an unhappy chicken of late. For those of you that know me, you would never have guessed in a million years. But there you go!

I don't really have much motivation these days to get up and go to work. I have plenty to do, but there's nothing there that gives me that edge. Each day passes and 'it's just another day'. I remember maybe around 6 years ago, I used to wake up every morning and have the biggest smile on my face, and really feel that it was so great to be alive! Each day was a true blessing to wake up to. I wonder what happened to those days?

Being here in Switzerland, has taught me a hell of a great deal about myself. I have been through the most trying times and have had so many ups and downs. I am surrounded by so much beauty, but even they tend to just blend into the background. I am surrounded by so many 'friends' yet I have felt the loneliest that I have ever felt in my entire life. I smile and I laugh and my disposition is almost always cheery. Yet if one looked into my eyes, they would know the truth.

I have made a decision to finish up work in August, although I have yet to inform my company (so please don't inform them before I do :-)). In August, 28 months would have lapsed since I started here. That's a long time to be away from home!!! August would also mark 5 years for me working in this same industry. Perhaps it will be time for a change, perhaps not. Anything goes.

I plan to travel to France and Wales to watch some Rugby World Cup in September, and in between I may as well visit Scotland and perhaps Ireland too. Then I will be back home in the second-half of September! I really can't wait until I finally head home; however I cannot live my life just hanging for that time. Eight more months is quite a long while!

So, until September I will just have to make the most of my time here and try to enjoy things as much as I can.

The Last Time...

2007-01-07T20:43:00.000+02:00

No one knows when the last time will be when you will see a loved one, hug a loved one, kiss a loved one, touch a loved one, exchange meaningful words with a loved one. By 'loved one' I mean everyone who you share a piece of your heart with in your life, no matter how big or small.

I remember the last time I hugged my godbrother Raymond. Every single time I saw him, without fail he would greet me with a hug bigger than himself and a kiss on the cheek. He would do the same every time one of us had to leave too. He was a baby brother to me, being 7.5 years my junior.

I remember our last encounter. He almost left without his usual hug and kiss and I thought that was very odd, so I had to ask him "Where is my hug and kiss goodbye?". And then he came over sheepishly and we hugged and he gave me a kiss. That was the last time.

The next time I saw him, he had slipped into a coma. It was just two months before his twelfth birthday. While he was still conscious he had asked for me, but for reasons I cannot remember, I was not able to reach him in time.

Time seemed to drag on forever at the hospital, and I cannot even remember how many days I was there. Maybe it was two days, maybe it was a week? His passing on April 21st 1998 was a very sad day. It's everyone's worst nightmare to lose someone they love so much. It's like having a piece of your heart ripped away, and there is a gaping hole, and no words can describe the deep pain...

But love permeates even death. My thoughts on life and death will be for another time in another blog when I feel like it :-) Love is eternal, is infinite. I too echo the words as sung by Darren Hayes..."I believe in love surviving death into eternity."

In Raymond's passing, there awakened something grand and great within me. Sometimes you do need something to happen to you to make you realise that you have been living your life with your eyes closed. In his passing, my spirituality awakened, and from that perspective life has been a truly amazing experience ever since that time...

New Year New Year

2007-01-01T13:53:00.000+02:00

And then the heavens opened up and down came the rain...

It's almost 1pm as I sit here in Luzern on New Years Day. The trees are blowing in the wind as I watch them. Autumn leaves are raining down all around. It's raining. I don't remember the weather being like this for quite some time.

I hear it is also raining in Sydney, so I guess in that sense I'm not missing out on anything :-) It's nice to hear of rain in Sydney. I hope it stays for a while. Despite its inconveniences, it is desperately needed!

We had three friends over for a New Years Eve dinner. We had so much food - it was fantastic!!! Then we partied the year away with our party hats and silly eye masks, fake noses and lips :-) We also had a few drinks of course in New Year cheer :-) Then the five of us hit the town, saying very friendly hellos to everyone who hopped on the bus :-)

In Luzern, it was not that crowded. I'm not sure what the usual crowds are like as this is my first (and probably only) New Years in Switzerland! There were a lot of people on the famous bridge, but the rest were spread around the lake (and it's a huge lake!). There was no countdown to New Years, some people just cheered and then some lights went up on a building which said "Happy New Year!". So that was that!

It was a bit strange as fireworks were scheduled to go off at 12.07am...but then was delayed until 12.10am. Don't ask me why about the times as I do not know...must be a Swiss thing?!!! Fireworks were pretty good and went on for a good 25 minutes. As I stood there watching the fireworks it brought me to New Years memories in Sydney. It made me feel a bit homesick and a bit sad that I wasn't with my buddies. Don't get me wrong, I had great company, but it just wasn't the same. For the past four New Years celebrations I was always with the same core group of friends in Sydney. And this year we all did different things. I hope next year we will come together again :-)

The fireworks in Luzern were pretty good. I cannot compare them to Sydney though as that would just not be fair :-) I can't really compare anything to Sydney as the standards are just too high in my books as I'm probably just a teeny bit biased?!! :-) And if you don't agree with me, then maybe it's time you got away from Sydney for a little while :-)

After the fireworks we headed to the place where everybody goes...to the Roadhouse...which is open until 4am every day!!! Everybody in Luzern knows the Roadhouse! And no, it's not a truckie stop by the highway :-) They played some good songs...all extremely retro though...which suits me fine :-) But I was a bit bored because I just wanted to go home! Yeh I know, I am getting old :-) We left close to 4am and tried to hail a cab but without much luck. Eventually we got one about half an hour later! So I was very happy that I was on my way home! If you think Sydney cabs are expensive, how about a ten-minute ride for about 20 bucks?!

My head hit my pillow at around 5.30am. Another year over...

Happy New Year!

An Inconvenient Truth

2006-12-28T18:13:00.000+02:00

I've just finished watching An Inconvenient Truth and I strongly encourage each and every one of you to see this documentary. If I had some extra dosh, I would buy you all a copy on dvd just so I could spread the message. But that in itself would use up too many resources ;-) So blogging and emailing this is the next best thing I can do.

For those of you who are a bit behind the times, or have been hiding in a cave recently, this documentary is about our need as human beings to take responsibility for what is happening to the world i.e. the HUGE issue of Global Warming.

We are all intelligent beings and we can all do something about the way we live in this world to make it a better place. And no, I have not turned into a 'tree-hugging greenie'....perhaps a 'chained-to-the-tree greenie' better describes it ;-p Jokes!!!

It's too easy for us to not do anything and think that it doesn't concern us. The change has been gradual and so we do not notice it all that much. But if we look down the track, in 50 years time, what kind of a world will we be leaving our children and grandchildren to live in?

I just read an article that Australia is making the move, starting to switch to 'clean-green' energy sources. The Federal Industry Minister Ian MacFarlane warns that households will be paying up to 40% more on their power bills than they currently are. I thought, well maybe if people were better educated and knew how to cut energy use in their homes, then this supposed hike in power bills wouldn't be that bad. What the Minister said brought to mind this Cree Indian proverb I remember reading, at least ten years ago now...

“Only when the last tree has died and the last river has been poisoned and the last fish has been caught, will we realise we cannot eat money.”

I remember how profound that proverb was to me when I first read it. I remember showing this to a friend of mine back then, and she didn't understand what it was saying. She just didn't get it! I hope though that she gets it now.

And so, back to the point of this blog...Go and see An Inconvenient Truth (or go to www.climatecrisis.net), so that one by one, we can make a difference.

Tumble and fall

2006-12-26T11:30:00.000+02:00

I had my first white christmas here in Switzerland yesterday. Petra and I left home just before 6am and headed to Andermatt (2 hrs away by train) with our snowboarding gear. I didn't really know what to expect, but I was excited all the same!

The weather was just absolutely perfect! Blue skies and lots of snow up on the mountains. So technically that's why I say I had a white christmas this year :-) The beginner slopes weren't open as there hasn't been that much snow lower on the mountains. So up we went...somewhere up there!! :-)

My first struggle was getting on a t-bar lift!!! It is extremely frustrating and after several attempts and several stackings...I was eventually paired with this older man on skiis. Incidentally this man had spent some time in Perth. I thought I heard him say he spent 13 years there, but as he spoke to me in broken english, I thought maybe I had heard him wrong! I almost fell off the t-bar a few times, but thankfully regained my balance and didn't fall down the side of the mountain :-) So when I got to the top, it was time to board down...

Let me first say that yesterday was my third time snowboarding in my whole life!!! First time I spent half a day on the 'magic carpet'. Second time I spent half a day on a slope which was no greater than 5 degrees I reckon!!! hehe...And I learnt there how to control my board. By the end of yesterday Petra said to me that I just came down a Red run and then a Black run!!! Wow!! First I learn to crawl, then I learn to run....and maybe in the next few weeks I will learn to walk!!!

Today my body aches all over. At least I got a whole-body work out!! :-) I have nasty bruises on my knees, sore butt, sore abs, sore arms and legs, stiff neck....yeh....it feels great!!!!!!! Thankfully as we reached the slopes early yesterday, there weren't that many people. I am sure that I was such a nuisance on the slopes as I would drive, then fall and tumble every so often! Luckily there was plenty of space and the experts could dodge me easily! :-)

The only way to learn is to pick yourself up and keep going. I guess that can be true of life in general as well. There were times where I fell and I just took my time to ready myself again. There were times where I just felt like sitting there on the snow taking in the awesome scenery. But, since Petra was very patiently waiting for me (always down a bit further), I had to keep it moving :-)

There was one point where I fell, and then I took a look at where I had to go next, and I just screamed like a girl! It was sooooo friggin steep!!! That was very scary (but not as scary as some other slopes I had to go down later on!!). But when you're up on that mountain, there's no turning back and the only way is down!!! So, what the heck...you just have to take a deep breath and take the plunge!! And then it's not really that bad :-)

Eventually I made it down to a crossroads. Petra said if we went left, it would take us back down to the t-bar and the other way...well we didn't know where that would take us, but it had chair lifts at the end of it. She asked me which way I wanted to go. There was no way that I wanted to go up on the t-bar again for the day so I said...ok, let's go the other way!!!

Unbeknownst to either of us, it was a black run!!! But you know, I made it down in one piece and survived to tell the story :-) There was one slope which was quite narrow and quite icy. I started coming down the slope and naturally stacked it halfway. I kept trying to pick myself up but it didn't work. I was afraid that people would come flying down the slope and I would cause them an accident!!! So I kept looking behind me and sliding down on my butt at the same time!! Thankfully no-one came flying down!!!

Another slope I ended up sliding down on my butt for most of the way. I thought...well, that works too! ;-) hehe...And then around that corner the run looked quite good and not too difficult. But I was coming down too fast and I had a pretty nasty fall which resulted in knocking the wind out of myself. It was scary as there was no-one around and I just had to sit there and try to regain my breathing. But then I was alright, picked myself up and had a pretty good run the rest of the way...until I fell again :-)

So yesterday, I stacked it heaps, face-planted a few times, knocked the wind out of myself, got stuck in snow (there was a nice lady skiier who came and rescued me :-)) and survived a red and black run :-) The weather was just perfect and the slopes weren't that full!! So all in all it was a great Christmas day on the mountains!!!

On the mountain train ride back I thought I heard some Aussie accents. I listened a bit more and then I said to Petra, an aussie can always tell an aussie accent. And then the girl next to us started laughing and said...'yeh, because it's so awful!'. And so I started chatting to them. A girl, her parents and her grandmother. The parents had lived in Cambridge for 12months and was going to stay another year before heading back to Brisbane. They were a funny bunch :-) I was just so happy to hear some aussie accents on Christmas day. Brought me that much closer to home :-)

To top things off, on the normal train ride back to Luzern, Petra and I were in a carriage with this girl who started playing her ukelele and singing as well. It was so nice as the both of us were almost passed out on the train and was just nice to relax and hear some music :-)

I got home and took a nice hot bath. It was superb! Then our friends Cynthia and Lena came over for dinner, and it was great to end the day :-) And then I just crashed out and slept like a log!!! It was a Merry Christmas indeed!! :-)

Tis the season...

2006-12-24T00:41:00.000+02:00

Happy holidays and all that jazz....Last Christmas I almost scared the living daylights out of my mum and dad when I paid a surprise visit to Sydney on Christmas morning :-) The look on my mum's face was just so priceless!!! My dad just stood at the door a bit dumb-founded, and then he started laughing at me!! My brother had already heard the commotion and so I couldn't jump on his bed to wake him up :-) My godmother had tears in her eyes upon seeing me, and my godsister just jumped on me squealing :-)

Last Christmas was great in Sydney. Went out drinking almost every night at different bars around the city with my friends and cousins...wherever there was Happy Hour :-) Everyone was in a relaxed mood as it was the festive season. I really loved being back home. I always love it back home :-) Sometimes you get to a point in your life where you just feel stuck, and you feel like you need to get out. That was me in the later months of 2004. And so when the offer to work over here in Swiss came up, I had to take it. It was my ticket out.

Going a bit off track here...but anyway, it's funny how the beaches in Sydney are one of the things I miss most, but I was never really a beach-goer at all!! I guess just the beauty of the place...of my city...of home. I had to leave Sydney to really appreciate it for what it is. It is THE best place in the world to live :-) Now I realise this :-)

Back to Christmas....well, this Christmas I hope to be hitting the slopes somewhere. My flatmate Petra and I just went out today and hired our snowboarding gear for the season. I am super-excited about it all!!! I have only been snowboarding twice but I loved every bit of it...and am looking forward to stacking it heaps when I attempt slopes greater than 10 degrees...hahha...At least I am well-equipped with helmet and goggles this time :-) I think I could hug my snowboard and fall asleep :-)

So, as much as I love Sydney, I think this Christmas will be awesome!! It will only be my second Christmas away from my family. The first time I was in China with friends. I guess I have to make the most of the time I have left here :-) and also take advantage of being so close to snow!!!

Well, Christmas Eve shall be a feast as I join Petra and her family for Christmas celebrations! I will probably definitely need the exercise on Christmas Day after pigging-out tomorrow!!!

Eat, drink and be Merry :-) And if you're in Sydney, keep warm for a change!

60 Earth Hour

2006-12-20T22:18:00.000+02:00

I was quite moved the other day when I read about the SMH's campaign "60 Earth Hour", for Sydney to do their bit for global warming.

I guess in the world we live in, we take many things for granted. I had heard about the iceberg floating to New Zealand from a colleague and I was quite shocked. The weather here in Switzerland has been quite erratic. So far the ski resorts are losing millions of Swiss francs per day as the snowfall is taking an extended vacation. We all wonder if the snow will come at all this winter, or if it will just be delayed by a month or two?

In Sydney also I have heard of strange weather patterns. There was snow in the Blue Mountains sometime in November...it never snows in the Blue Mountains! And the week before I visited Sydney they were experiencing very cold conditions for Springtime. But when I arrived in mid-November, there were two days where temperatures hit 38 degrees celcius out west. This shouldn't be happening.

Switzerland and Sydney are just two examples that I know first hand about. I am certain that it is happening the world over. It is good in a way that Mother Nature is finally throwing a hissy-fit and telling us all that enough is enough!!! What are we doing to our world??

I don't really care that the ski resorts here are losing millions of swiss francs per day. It's about time that more people took notice of what we are doing to this world. We cannot control nature. Though I must admit that Switzerland is probably one of the top countries in the world when it comes to preserving and looking after its natural resources. Their lakes are so clean and the air is so fresh. All the asian countries should take a leaf out of the swiss book on that matter!!!

Over the past few days I have heard, on three separate occasions, about this global warming issue. Firstly I read about the "60 Earth Hour" campaign. Then this morning I was chatting to my flatmate about 'electrosmog'. Additionally this morning my best friend spoke about the documentary "An Inconvenient Truth", which I had only heard about but didn't know what it was about exactly. And so there you have it...coincidences? I think not.

It's a wake-up call. For me to do my bit for global warming. And I for one will start doing a few small things around the home. Every little bit counts. Don't think for a second that you alone cannot make a difference, because you can.

60 Earth Hour: http://www.smh.com.au/news/environment/let-there-be--less-light/2006/12/15/1165685862255.html

How to fight global warming: http://www.nrdc.org/globalWarming/gsteps.asp

She

2006-12-18T14:23:00.000+02:00

To the world she is a light
She smiles, she glows.
She laughs, she loves.

But who can see her?
Who can see into her soul?
Who really knows her?

She looks into the mirror.
She looks older and more worldly.
She looks sadder and more tired.

There is an invisible cord
that strangles her heart.
Her inner struggles
she hides so well.

But she keeps smiling.
Knowing that one day,
She will find peace.

the golden child

2006-12-16T00:38:00.000+02:00

(dedicated to my godbrother Raymond...)

This child is golden.
He cannot be kept.
He cannot be tamed.

He will bring joy into your life,
But he cannot be kept.

His smile will brighten your day
His embrace will warm the coldest of cold cold hearts
His eyes will twinkle with mischief
His love will reach your innermost
His soul will raise your spirits

But in his body he cannot last.
He is a golden child.
He cannot be kept.
But his light will shine on.

a glimpse of god

2006-12-13T01:18:00.000+02:00

I caught a glimpse of God
as I gazed upon the mountains.

God rose with the sun
Her light so magnificent, luminous.
Bringing in a brand new day.

Snow-capped mountains
Illuminated by a golden aura
against a breaking dawn.

My world stopped for a few moments
As God took my breath away.