Mum life

So, a lot has happened since my last post many years ago...I found my Knight in Shining Armour, got married and now have a gorgeous baby girl who is almost one!

Mum life. Where to even begin describing it? The days are filled with responding...cos basically that's what you do with a baby. They cry, you respond. They climb up the stairs, you respond. They poop their nappy, you respond. They're hungry, you respond. It's kinda like having a boss telling you what to do 24/7! Ok, that is not entirely true, but some days it feels that way :-)

Having been a mum for the last 11 months has been amazing! Like anything, some days are just bleh...but lucky for me, most days are great. Early on as a mum, the days would go by pretty quickly as we would both sleep at the same time. But as J gets older and is more mobile, it's becoming more and more exhausting...."Oh...you want to climb the stairs again...sigh...ok...go on then...".

The most difficult thing about motherhood at the moment is finding time for myself. I get moments during the day when she is having a nap, which could range anywhere from a half hour to two hours. Do I madly rush and get some housework done? Unpack the dishes? Wash up? Prepare the next meals for J? Feed myself? Do a load of laundry? Fold the clothes? Put the clothes away? Clean the bathroom? Clean the toilet? Vacuum downstairs? Vacuum upstairs? Take out the rubbish? Pack up her toys? Think what to have for dinner? Make a cuppa? Play on my iPad? Surf the net? The list is endless!!! Most days I'll do a bit of housework and a bit of iPad time. There's no time for TV and catching up on missed TV shows. NCIS, The Good Doctor, Grey's Anatomy....the time for watching endless episodes of TV shows has sadly come to an end for me. The only time I watch TV is after J has gone to bed and my husband and I watch old episodes of 30 Rock, and daily episodes of Jeopardy and The Chaser. And movies? What are they again?!!!

Anyway, J is stirring...time to respond...

Lost

Imagine not knowing,
Not knowing who you really are
Not knowing your place in the world.

Imagine wondering,
Always wondering about your purpose
Always wondering if things could be different.

Imagine feeling helpless,
So helpless you can't even help yourself.
So helpless that nobody knows your struggles.
Nobody understands.
For you don't even understand yourself.

Each day passes by and you just carry on.
Each day passes by and you grow forever weary.
This fight against yourself -
What is it all for?

You try so hard,
So, so hard
To please everyone around you.
You think that by pleasing them,
your job is done.
But it's never-ending...

Dear Child of God,
Why do you struggle so?
Is this lifetime destined to be so?
Surrounded by love,
You cannot feel,
For you were never shown.

Dear Child of God,
I can only pray and open my heart to you.
That is all I can do.
I love you.

Gone

I can't believe you're gone.
I never really knew you.
Never really knew you at all.
But you left an imprint.

I can't say we were friends.
I can't say I wish I had known you better.
I can't say I wish I had the chance to share more memories with you.
I can't say how much your passing has really affected me.

I can say that you were goofy.
I can say that you were fun.
I can say that we shared something, even if just for a few passing moments.
I can say that I will remember you, even in my old age.

Tomorrow I will say goodbye.
But you will cross my mind from time to time,
Long after tomorrow's sun has set.

So thank you for allowing our paths to cross in this lifetime.
Thank you for being a reason.
It couldn't have happened any other way.

I love you in a way only a soul would understand.

God bless you.

Shattered

You shattered me with one question.
The words like a brick in the face.
I crumbled inside
Yet my exterior held strong.

My soul, searching for answers.
My ego, grasping desperately at straws.
My mind ticking over,
Mindless words spewing forth.

What had been built up,
Falling so easily like a house of cards.
Where did it all unfold?

I felt ashamed.
Caught out yet again.
When will I ever learn?