Lost

Imagine not knowing,
Not knowing who you really are
Not knowing your place in the world.

Imagine wondering,
Always wondering about your purpose
Always wondering if things could be different.

Imagine feeling helpless,
So helpless you can't even help yourself.
So helpless that nobody knows your struggles.
Nobody understands.
For you don't even understand yourself.

Each day passes by and you just carry on.
Each day passes by and you grow forever weary.
This fight against yourself -
What is it all for?

You try so hard,
So, so hard
To please everyone around you.
You think that by pleasing them,
your job is done.
But it's never-ending...

Dear Child of God,
Why do you struggle so?
Is this lifetime destined to be so?
Surrounded by love,
You cannot feel,
For you were never shown.

Dear Child of God,
I can only pray and open my heart to you.
That is all I can do.
I love you.

Gone

I can't believe you're gone.
I never really knew you.
Never really knew you at all.
But you left an imprint.

I can't say we were friends.
I can't say I wish I had known you better.
I can't say I wish I had the chance to share more memories with you.
I can't say how much your passing has really affected me.

I can say that you were goofy.
I can say that you were fun.
I can say that we shared something, even if just for a few passing moments.
I can say that I will remember you, even in my old age.

Tomorrow I will say goodbye.
But you will cross my mind from time to time,
Long after tomorrow's sun has set.

So thank you for allowing our paths to cross in this lifetime.
Thank you for being a reason.
It couldn't have happened any other way.

I love you in a way only a soul would understand.

God bless you.

Shattered

You shattered me with one question.
The words like a brick in the face.
I crumbled inside
Yet my exterior held strong.

My soul, searching for answers.
My ego, grasping desperately at straws.
My mind ticking over,
Mindless words spewing forth.

What had been built up,
Falling so easily like a house of cards.
Where did it all unfold?

I felt ashamed.
Caught out yet again.
When will I ever learn?

Again

Falling.
Picking yourself up again.
Knowing.
Learning to love again.
Living.
Finding yourself again.
Loving.
Again.

Silence

In silence

Thoughts become so loud

Screaming for recognition

Screaming for acknowledgement

The eyes blink

and blink again

They close for a moment

For relief

For peace

These thoughts running through my head

of tomorrow

of February

of next year.

I find myself

not here and now

but in some faraway place.

Maybe I can't stand to be alone.

To be left alone with just me.

Maybe I'm not comfortable

facing the world with just me again.

But here I am.

Thanks

My job here is done.
And perhaps so is yours.
Remember the fun we had.
Remember how we laughed.
Remember this time in your life.

The world is vast yet small.
Many places yet to be discovered.
Many places yet to be explored.

Thanks for being there.
Thanks for lending an ear.
Thanks for the laughs.
Thank you for caring.
You have been my sanity in this crazy world.
You have been my escape.

Go on your way.
Travel well my dear friend.
May you discover
Peace, Love and Joy.

Timing

Here I go again.

The heart knows no other way.
To love, to hold.
To let go.

To hope and trust.
To believe,
that one day,
the timing will be right.

Acceptance

22nd November 2011

Acceptance,
that you're going.
Acceptance,
that you are you
and I am me.
Acceptance,
of all the things
I thought not of.

From acceptance,
a calmness.
Peace.
Love.

The Heart

What I crave, you'll never know.
What I long for, you'll never know.

A moment.
A minute.
A second.

Just a time
when time can stand still
and nothing else matters.

Love. Joy. Pain.
The heart knows nothing else.

Enjoy the ride!

Let's do it.
Let's have fun together while we can.
Open your heart and I'll open mine.
Close yours and I'll open mine.
I could give nothing and lose everything.
I could give everything and lose nothing.
Join me on this adventure,
of the intellect,
of the heart, the soul.
For however long it may last,
Let's just enjoy the ride!

Living, Breathing, Being

There is nothing but love and light.
There is nothing but to be
in every moment,
in every breath that we take.

Sit still, sit silently
and let the world just be.
Let the world happen,
before our eyes
and just...observe.

We are but a blade of grass,
We are but pollen from a flower.
We are but a grain of sand
in this magnificent godly world.

Time does not exist,
yet only in the minds of men.

Nothing exists but love.
And from love - light, hope, joy, passion, humility.
Living, breathing, being.

Inner demons

I prayed and I prayed
for salvation from my past,
for the release from my soul,
of all things that no longer served me.

All the fears, the insecurities,
the sorrow, the guilt,
of past relationships,
to finally and eternally be set free.

And in a vision, my prayers were answered.
The awesome explosion of bright light,
From the evils of my self.
Freeing the inner demons of yesteryear.

And I knew then,
that nothing exists but love.

Who Am I?

Standing alone. Stripped. Naked. Bare.
Of everything you've ever known,
of what you believed made you you.

There is a vastness, a void
that threatens to consume your being.
The world around you spins and spins
as the sounds inside your head
get louder and louder.

The world suddenly stops spinning,
and you erupt from deep within.
Your sorrow, your pain,
laid bare for all the world to see.

You fall to your knees,
sobbing like a lost child of god.
And you cry out to the heavens
Who Am I?

Embracing the present moment in 2010

Dear family and friends,

May 2010 be the year that we embrace the present moment. Let go of grudges, grievances and past failures. We cannot change what has passed and we cannot control the future. We can only be in the present moment and that's a powerful and wonderful thing :-)

Have a happy new year :-)

Love, Jackie :-)

Realness

I feel so lucky to be working where I am. I've been so much in my element that I haven't felt the need to do much blogging for a long time!!!

The people I work with, the people I 'teach' are all absolutely amazing human beings. I've been extremely blessed to be in the company of such humbleness and greatness all at once :-) The dedication and the passion to impart our knowledge to willing learners...I don't know if there's anything greater!!!

I love my job and what each day brings. There's a real genuine nature to it all and that's why I love it! :-)

Embrace 2009

So the New Year is upon us!!! :-) I always feel so happy when it's the New Year because it's like you can put all the shit of the previous year behind you and start afresh. A new slate, a blank canvas.

Not saying that I had a lot of shit in 2008...I had quite a fantastic year actually!!! From bummin around, to a fill-in job, to studying, to following my dreams and finally doing what I've always wanted to do!!! And not to mention turning 30!!! :-) It's been such a fantastic year!!! Probably one of the best from what's left of my memory...

So yeh, the New Year is upon us!!! About 17hrs and 20minutes as I'm writing this...Every year I like to write a New Year message...and set a theme for the year...This year my theme is "Embrace". Kinda like just going with the flow and to be wholly into whatever you choose to do...whether that be mundane tasks like washing up, or for some...the mundane task of what you call 'work'! :-)...or the things which give us joy in life, like spending time with loved ones, or a good massage or retail therapy! Whatever tickles your fancy!!! Just embrace it and own it!!!

"Embrace" is also about taking on new challenges, and fully embracing whatever comes from them. Sometimes they may be 'good' things and other times they just might test our strength, our courage and our patience. Whatever happens, it's all in the grand scheme of things...however cliched that may sound! But if we never give ourselves the chance, then we'll never know.

"Embrace" is about creativity and courage. It's about going beyond what you're comfortable with...even if it's just by a centimetre, a tad, a snippet, by a nose hair even!!! Whatever! You know, just paint your life, paint your 2009 to what you want it to be. And the thing is, you are the creator, so you can change it to whatever you like!!! You have all the colours in the universe, and beyond to paint with!!! Your canvas can be as small as a page or as big as Jupiter!!! How do you value yourself??? And what happens if you make a 'mistake'? Would anyone even notice? It's YOUR masterpiece!!! Just create, create, create!!! :-)

So to all my dear friends and family, and to anyone I don't know who's reading this...Make your 2009 count...every day, every minute, every second. Have courage, because no-one can give it to you. Be creative - you are the creator. Take on new challenges. And embrace everything that you are and everything that you aren't. 2009 will be as great as you make it!

In My Element

I'm sitting here wondering how the hell to start this post...There's so much to say, yet so little...It's just one of those things I guess...where sometimes, one just cannot use words to describe...things!!! :-)

I've been teaching English for six months now. And I am absolutely in my element right now. Something that you just feel in your bones :-) I have so much passion for what I do at the moment that it doesn't even feel like a job!!! Heck, earning some dollars for something I love so much?!! It's totally awesome!!! :-)

All the students I've had the pleasure of teaching and even those I have just passed by at school, have been amazing...although sometimes it just doesn't appear to be that way :-) I think about 96% of the time that I have taught, I have enjoyed being there...and the other 4%...I guess I just wasn't present enough to what I could be learning from the situation.

Not only are the students amazing, but my colleagues are even more amazing! :-) They are the other reason why I love my job so much!!! :-) I guess I've never worked in a place where I've been able to have so much fun!!! :-) My work environment in Switzerland was fun once in a blue moon...okay...maybe a tad more than that...but I knew I wasn't there for fun...I always knew that it would be a lot of hard work...not to mention the white hairs which magically grew on both sides of my head (next to my temples) which came as part of my job ;-p

Find your element and just ride with it...cos I know I am! :-)

Feeding my soul

I cannot remember the last time my soul felt such nourishment as it does right now. I have just completed the 4-week full-time CELTA course at International House Sydney and what an amazing experience it has been!!!

Despite the intensity of the course with all the late nights/early mornings preparing lesson plans, it has all been so worth it!!! On numerous occasions I found myself working into the wee hours of the morning, the latest of which I found myself crawling into bed at 4am in the morning!!! And even only with 3hrs sleep, I still managed to stand and deliver with a smile on my face, thoroughly enjoying the lesson.

My new friends from the course - we made it through with incredible support from each other!!! I love you guys and we truly have survived something mammoth!!! :-) I wouldn't have chosen to experience this course any other way!!! :-)

So now my soul is feeling nourished and I will go out there and teach some English!!! See you in the classroom!!! :-)

Bliss

Life is just so grand :-)

I cannot remember the last time I loved life so much.
I cannot remember a time where I felt so utterly free and so full of life!!!
I cannot even begin to describe how I am feeling right now.

It's more a state of being free, of being content, of being love.
It's just a pure state of being.
And it is just so so wonderful...
And it is so so powerful...

It's a serenity.
A contentedness.
Love. Joy. Gratitude.

Humble humble gratitude to my parents, my family, my friends, human beings and all the things seen and unseen.

It is bliss.
It is godly.
It is love.

A Knowing...

She said to me..."You will be back." and she said "I love you."

I thought to myself...I don't even know you, how can you love me? And I thought, I won't be back because I know myself...plus I won't give you the satisfaction of being right...

I took a stand for myself, I put my foot down and said "I am withdrawing from the Assisting Program." We talked for some time. She said "You gave your word." and I said "Well that's just something I'll have to deal with myself." She said "No, I am not letting you quit. I am not accepting your resignation! I am taking a stand for you!" And I thought, "Well that's your choice." and I thought "I don't understand why you are taking a stand for me...you don't even know me."

So here I am 3.5 weeks later. And she knew. She knew that I would be back. She knew me better than I knew myself. And my self just feels utter gratitude and love. Now I understand her vision. Now I know her. Because now I know who I am.