The Dragon's Lair

Like a dragon she sweeps into the room,

Banging doors, making noise, 

alerting all within earshot of her presence.

Her presence, like that of a storm.

Not just a passing storm, perhaps more like a hurricane.

The energy you can feel,

Right to the bone, right to your core.

Sending shivers down your spine.

Freezing you to the core.

Anticipating what is to come,

Will you wear her wrath?

Or will you come out unscathed?

Welcome to the Dragon’s lair!

Heartless?

The sadness in her eyes,
from some deep-seated memory
from an exhausted life on the streets.
"I just need to rest" she sighs,
But her request falls on deaf ears.

A tear trickles down her cheek.
No one can understand her pain,
of having lost and lost
time and time again.

People walking by stare at her in disgust.
Their noses scrunch up at the stench.
No one understands.
No one offers a thing.

In her lonely world on a hot day
All she wants is to rest.
All she wants is a minute of normality.
A minute of sanity.

But this peace people cannot afford her,
"She is homeless."
"She is not one of us."
"She can't sit here."

She is just helpless.
Are we just heartless?

It's been a while...

One of my students commented this morning how I haven't blogged since 2010...so yes...it's been a while!!! So this one's for Angel...who is probably the only one reading my blog nowadays...:-)

So...why the silence?? Had the novelty just worn off?? Maybe I've just been lazy...or maybe life back in Sydney is nothing near as exciting as it was in Switzerland!! Funnily enough I had many more dramas going on in my life whilst I was abroad than I do now. And the dramas concerned my relationships with people back here!! So perhaps...I just feel kinda settled now...content even :-)

What is life without drama, you may ask!! Well, it's pretty boring!! hahah...No...but seriously, ever since I came back from Swiss, up until the end of last year, I felt as though I had to hibernate from the world for a little. Heck, I haven't even left the country in that time!!!

Spent some time doing Celta, then found my dream job teaching English to adults...and just when I felt like I really missed sitting in front of a computer, as opposed to standing up and delivering my lessons, my beloved school crashed down to Earth, and we all suddenly found ourselves buried in some nasty shit!!! Anyway, as I have read...and also truly believe..."all thought is creative"...hence the situation I found myself in at the end of January 2009, was one which I had manifested in some warped way!! It's kinda funny...as it was probably a collective consciousness which created this collapse, as well as pure greed perhaps from the entrepreneur's end. I remember just a whole bunch of teachers whining all day long about the working conditions and the 'crappy' pay. All this bitching and moaning about management and rah rah rah...

Anyway...perhaps we all got what we deserved...perhaps for many of us, it was a second chance...a lifeline to do what a lot of us had been putting off for so long, but kept using our teaching jobs as an excuse. For me, I needed a dose of sitting in front of a computer and working in a 9-5 job...and that I got...for a whole nine months!!!

I absolutely loved the time I did temp work at OTEN. My colleagues were all quirky in their own little ways and I had a great time dealing with students and teaching staff. Work was a breeze and it was fun most of the time. But then all that time squinting, trying to read enrolment information didn't do my eyes any favours...plus at around the same time, certain colleagues started to turn a bit nasty - my guess is mostly from familial factors! Anyway, when I stopped enjoying my time there, I made the decision to leave at the end of the year....life goes on at OTEN :-)

So this year...this year has been GREAT!!! :-) As mentioned earlier, at this point in my life...I feel quite content :-) But I do miss studying!!! After two years of part-time post-grad study, I decided to take a break this year...but am raring to go again soon!!! I just needed the break.

I was extremely fortunate to have some great contacts at two English language schools in Sydney and more or less found some teaching work in the new year. Unfortunately the first school I taught at this year weren't able to offer me many classes after January, but fortunately another school was able to give me something...and I am still there!!! :-) Life at EF has been great!!! :-) When I got back into teaching this year, I wondered why I had ever left!!! But I knew that I needed that break to realise that teaching really is my passion!!!

I love the laughs, the fun, the competitiveness of my students, but most of all, I love how much they gain in terms of friendships, learning and life experience by being here in Sydney. I still have so much to learn - from my colleagues, from my students. It never ends! :-) And it's just wonderful :-)

A real need?

I keep seeing her face over and over again in my head. This woman with a gap between her top front teeth, clutching at a small bag, begging me...pleadingly...."Excuse me excuse me...do you have three dollar..." in her broken English..."I lost my..." and then her face kinda breaks...and I just shake my head and apologise...

I wonder...was she really in need? Did I turn away someone who really needed my money? My help? Or am I just too accustomed to seeing these beggars all around Town Hall? A few minutes earlier the tall, scruffy-looking beggar with grey mangled hair stood just beyond the ticket barriers. I, along with all the other commuters passing that way, see him there maybe three or four mornings a week. "Spare change...spare change" he asks holding out his hand. I wonder if it's the same beggar that Eddie talked about who he sees all the time outside Town Hall having a ciggy?

Just before I exit the QVB I see a lady in a raincoat holding an umbrella asking passers-by for money. Then I encountered the other lady...who begged...who pleaded with me...

Why didn't I just stop and ask her how I might be able to help her? Maybe she really did need help and was desperate...I had never seen her before. I felt like I was in China...in Xian when the beggars just kept begging and begging even after you've jumped on the bus...they are relentless and keep tapping the window. Could I really make that much of a difference to their lives? Could it mean the difference between them feeding their family or themselves for a week or even weeks?

Maybe I'm just jaded. I can't tell anymore what's real and what's not.

Reflection...

Over the past two weeks Ive been hearing a lot about cancer. It started with the shocking news of a very good friend who was diagnosed with cancer. He's only 40. I was stunned and extremely shocked with the news and it sat with me for days.

It's kinda strange...and I don't know if it's just me...but as soon as I heard the news my mind was already projecting into the future of what his funeral would be like...and how sad it would all be if he really were to die...which was a real possibility. I thought how many people he has positively influenced in his short lifetime and how much it would affect the community which we were a part of. I remember that once I did this quiz and it asked who I looked up to and why and it was this particular friend who I wrote down. This quiz said that often the qualities we often like about people we look up to are those which we possess ourselves.

I reminisced about the good ole times and I felt guilt because we hadn't been in touch for quite some time. I didn't even have his mobile anymore because I keep losing or breaking my phone!!! I emailed him and expressed my guilt feelings and how life is just life and things happen. He emailed back saying that life carries us in all different directions and that good friends will always remain good friends regardless of time and distance. He said that it's been a huge wake-up call to him to do the things he's always been putting off.

A few days later he emailed and said that the lung biopsy was negative for cancer but he had to have an operation where the cancer was. It was such a huge relief...it was like in one moment you have this prospect of losing a friend, and in the next moment you've received a second chance of renewing that connection again...I can't even begin to imagine how he feels!!!

Then came the news of Patrick Swayze. Then I watched some TV program about secret billionaire and there was an old couple, and the woman was also dying of cancer...but she didn't let it stop her doing the things that she loved...like dancing! She said...the cancer has gotten the better of me...but I have also gotten the better of it!!!...or something along those lines.

This morning my mum was on the phone to her cousin in Newcastle and some really sad news came through. Her second cousin living in New Zealand has been diagnosed with brain cancer which is in its fourth stage. She's only in her early forties with a very young family...I think four kids...it's so sad!!!

Perhaps it's a wake-up call to all of us to really appreciate what we have in life and who we have in our lives. To not take things for granted, especially the little things. This life is not forever and we have to embrace it and do the things we love. What's the point in doing things that we hate? What's the point in doing things without joy? Sometimes we think...just hang in there a bit more...just another year of working in this crappy job...but who knows??? We could die tomorrow. The question I guess we should ask ourselves is: would I be happy if I were to die tomorrow?? If not, why? And what can I do about it now???

For me, definitely it's in the relationship stakes. Career-wise I've been successful in one career and now I'm on my path. I've seen quite a bit of the world and I have great relationships with friends and family. I've got a degree and studying a grad dip. I've played lots of sport and am managing my finances quite well. I don't have a house or investment property yet, but that's not a priority for me at this point in time. I have all these things but no partner :-p hahah...

Anyway, the past few days been thinking about my non-existent relationship with a certain someone. My friend who was diagnosed with cancer is a very good mutual friend of both of ours. And now with my mum's second cousin diagnosed with brain cancer...maybe I should just send him an email to say g'day...cos you know, life's too short. And I've just been acting like a woman scorned...but heck...I should get over myself!!! Seriously!!!

Heck I'm not perfect! I have my flaws! And I'm not always nice!! Funnily enough a student offered to buy me a drink on Friday and I politely declined. He then asked me if I wanted to go outside with him for a smoke...and I told him that I didn't smoke. He then sat down next to me and gave me a 'tip'. He said...here's a tip...if you go out with a guy, you have to live a little dangerously! He said...men like women who are a bit dangerous!!! I just smiled...haha...and I said to him...how do you know I'm not dangerous??? And he repeated again that men like women who are a bit dangerous. I said...well...all I can say is that I'm a Scorpio. I asked him if he knew what that was (cos English is his second language) and he nodded and went out for a smoko break...hahah!!! Maybe I should've been less reserved and taken him up on the drink offer and maybe even the smoke offer! hahha...But hey...it was still during class time!! Except that we just happened to spend the last hour of class at the pub!! Practising spoken English of course!!! ;-)

Alrighty...I think I might send that email :-)

Carpe diem!

Dear diary...

2nd September 2009

Dear diary,

Bob* was being a total ass tonight in class. He was back to his old antics...*sigh* I knew it was too good to last the rest of the semester - his behaviour and teaching style over the past three weeks...I guess good things never last, or as I said to Rosy* 'good things only happen in three!'.

Bob's so bad I can't help but laugh!!! After class it's 'bitchin time' about our lecturer!!! And it's good to know I am so not the only one!!! We just piss ourselves laughin mimicking him and bitchin about how he talks to us like we're five-years-old!!!

Five minutes before the end of the last class (last week) he informed us that we would be presenting reading activities in groups the following week. We had next to no time to get into groups and scribble down each others' contact details. And we received no further instructions other than to pick our own reading.

So this week rolled around and I was ten minutes late to class. When I walked in my group were already standing at the front of the room just about to 'present' an 'Eliciting/Building the field' activity. I started the ball rolling, then stopped to give another group member a go. We ended up doing individual things in our group. But the feedback we received was quite okay compared to the wrath the other groups received!!! Boy-oh-boy!!!

Bob was annoyed and disgusted that we were all failing miserably in our mini-presentations...and I just sat there rolling my eyes and writing notes to Rosy about his behaviour in class!!! I felt like I was a school-kid! :-)

All in all it took over an hour for four groups to present what we would do for reading activities in a TESOL classroom. Well...little time was actually spent presenting...most of the time was spent being yelled at!!!

So this is what I thought about whilst Bob continually mocked us and talked to us like primary-school children...

(1) You could have given us say ten minutes before class to go through our 'presentations'.
(2) You could have given us one text that all groups could have worked on, thus the whole session might have flowed and made more sense!
(3) How can you tell us off when you cannot lead by example???
(4) You tell us that we know the theory but cannot put it into practice...well what better way to demotivate us than by yelling at us???
(5) You seem to forget that we are learning about teaching, learning about literacy. After all this subject you are supposed to be teaching us is called "Teaching and Learning Literacy"!!!
(6) You sometimes forget that you are teaching adults. Not only that...but adults who are post-grad students!!!
(7) You talk to us like we're five years old!
(8) You don't listen.
(9) You continuously contradict yourself because of (8) above.
(10) You love the sound of your own voice.

At the end of tonight's class, after we 'listened' to Bob for a good 45 minutes about stuff and nonsense...Mary* raised her hand and said...'so basically what you are saying is this...', summarising his ranting and raving in less than 30 seconds!!! We all just giggled!!!

Later on, Mary was saying how she knew Bob had a bee in his bonnet - he kept going on about something or other...I wouldn't know because I tend to tune out after Bob continuously speaks for more than two minutes...and I just pretend that I'm listening. He was saying something about the Sydney school of genre or something...and how he really has something against them. Yeh okay Bob...I understand you can have your opinion on things...we're all entitled to that...but to go on and on about it...what a waste of our time!!!

Anyway, whenever I get bored in Bob's class, I wonder about my own classes at GEOS. Sometimes I think...maybe I am just as bad as Bob...hmmm....it's some food for thought!!! I guess if anything, Bob has taught me how NOT to be in a TESOL environment!!!

Well, only another week or two before mid-semester break!!! :-)

Thanks for listening diary!! :-)

*names have been changed to protect identity!

Emerging

Gone are the cold winter days and nights. Slowly I am emerging from my cave which I have been hiding in over the past few months!!! I love the warm weather...absolutely love it!!! I have already plunged into the lovely waters at Clovelly Bay - twice!! And we (me + my two crazy friends who swim with me) are already acclimatising to the currently "cold" water temperature. It's about 21 degrees I believe :-) But with the warm weather, the water should be warming up pretty soon (we hope! as well as every other normal person!!!).

So aside from the Saturday or Sunday early morning swims, I also started playing in a mixed touch-footy comp two weeks ago. The first week was cruisy and I felt like I hadn't run around as much as I would've liked to (by the end of the game). We were playing against juniors! haha!!! But then last week, we played against the Division winners from last year!!! So needless to say we got our asses whooped - even with a 5-point handicap!!! Yes, quite embarassing I know!! hehe...Nevertheless, it was a great learning experience and also, I think I got more than enough of running around that evening!!!

The warmer weather is also melting away my "social recluse"-ism :-) I don't even know when I started becoming a social recluse...maybe it was when I was in Switzerland...yeh...I think that was it!!! All along, I have been blaming 'old age'...but of course nobody ever bought that, not even me!!! Anyway, I ventured out to a friend's 40th birthday dinner two weeks ago in Cremorne, and I had an absolutely fantastic time!!! It took quite a bit of coaxing from my friend though!!! I'm glad that she persisted!! :-) Then I hung out with some of my colleagues after work, which was good fun too!! Who ever would have thought huh?!! Not about my colleagues, but just about me actually being out and about!!! haha...

Anyway, things are looking up and I'm slowly building up my social life again :-) It's been about 3.5years since I've actually felt like being this social!!! God! What have I been missing out on?!!! I've been in a deep sleep!!!

As part of my rehabilitation to rejoin society, I went to see The Living End at the Enmore Theatre last night with my cousins...and WOW!!! TLE totally rocked the socks off the place!!! Frontman Chris Cheney was looking better than ever!! Not that I have a crush on him...but I thought he looked really fit and totally in his element. Every performance I have seen from TLE has been awesome, but I must say that last nights' performance was just exceptional!!! I've never seen a band look so comfortable on stage (and I've been to many concerts!)...and by far, it's one of the best concerts I have ever been to!!!

I watched as they played from their soul. You could feel the incredible vibe. It was like they just melded with their instruments, with each other, with the stage and with the audience...can't really describe it...you just had to be there...:-) just incredible :-)

Proud

It's only been in the last week that I've felt the spark of Olympic fever. I wasn't interested in reading any articles or watching any special lead-up programs to Beijing 2008. I didn't even think I'd really get into it this time around.

But as I sat down last night and watched the Opening Ceremony with my mum and a family friend, and then later my dad...I felt so proud to be Chinese. What I saw really moved me on a deeper level and I thought how amazing it was for China to put on such a spectacular show, to show the world!!!

As I watched the faces of the volunteer performances, I saw how proud they were to be there and to be a part of history. Pride for their country, pride for their culture, pride for their people. It took me back to Sydney 2000 when I felt so moved during the first full rehearsal of the Opening Ceremony. I remember hearing the crowd cheering and the air was just so thick of excitement and pride...for one's country, for humanity...knowing that I was part of something truly special.

I love the spirit of the games! It's sadly one of the few times where nations unite with no political, racial or religious indifferences. If only humanity could live in this way...

I Heart Google

It really pays to quickly google "discounts" for anything you are looking for, whether it be concert tickets, fast food, books or electronic items online. Let's take last night for example. I had a real craving for Domino's pizza the night before, but since dinner had already been prepared, I thought it'd do me good to save a few bucks.

But last night I thought...it's pizza night!!! I wondered how much pizzas were these days since I hadn't had some in quite some time. The last I remember was that a Domino's pizza cost something like five or six bucks. So when they had a special offer on the Domino's website for $7.95 a pizza, I thought it somewhat expensive.

Not satisfied with their 'special offer', I quickly went to www.hotdockets.com.au to see if they had any discount vouchers. They did. Pizzas were going for $5.95 each for pick-up. But they were for all the Domino's within 10km of Blacktown except for the one closest to us!!! Typical!!!

So, still not willing to pay $7.95 a pizza, and not willing to drive any further than I needed to, I kept searching...and my efforts were duly rewarded when I found a discount code which gave me three large pizzas for $14.95!!! Oh what a bargain!!! And so, after choosing my three pizza toppings and entering in the discount code, I ordered the pizzas online!!!

Here's another example from a few weeks ago. I was looking for discount tickets to Billy Elliot the musical. My godsister suggested we take our mums to see it, and she also had another friend coming along. It took me a while to find discount tickets, as discounts don't usually apply on Saturday nights...but what I found was just awesome!!! Personally I didn't get a discount, but for my godsister and her friend, who are both under 25yrs old, I managed to save them more than $50 each for their ticket!!! The reason? During World Youth Week, discount tickets are available for under 25yr olds!!!

Oh how I love google and the internet!!! :-) And the discounts even more so ;-)

Poor me...

Five minutes ago
"Oh poor me....nobody loves me...nobody cares about me....do I want to do all these things?? *sniff sniff* You guys have a weekend and I have to work 7 days a week....boo hoo hooooo...Nobody cares!!! Who else would do it if I don't do it??? It's better if I'm dead cos then I can close my eyes and not have to worry about it all....yadayadayadayada...."

Earlier today
He says: Son...go and bring the clothes in. She says: "No! I'll do it...he won't do it properly..."

And so...I'm trying to concentrate on my next lesson plans and I get caught up in the hoorah of my mother. I just roll my eyes....god help me!!! Or perhaps....god help her!!!

I need to find my escape from the negative energy being created. Dad's chopping away madly in the kitchen...most likely to drown out the whining just like me!!! I close my bedroom door and can still hear Poor Me going on....droning through the walls of the house...

I need to find my escape...my saviour...my ipod and music player...turning it up loud enough to drown it all out...Getting lost in Pachelbel's Canon in D major...ahhhh...

Landmark & Closure

Can I be unreasonable? Can I be honest? Do I have the courage?

Doing the Assisting program for the past 3 weeks at Landmark, something about it is just not sitting right with me. I have 'committed' myself to 16 weeks of this, giving 3hrs a week of my time, to not only give to others but for personal gain also. But at the end of every session so far, and the days following my session I am left pondering, doubting...fearful perhaps? of what I don't know?

A few weeks ago I embarked on the Landmark path. I must say that the Landmark Forum has been one of the most eye-opening experiences for me in terms of the way we perceive things in life. You cannot be human and sit there for the whole weekend without being moved by the real-life stories which are told by your peers. So much resonates with you, and so much of what is said is so confronting on so many levels that you can't help but think....WOW!!! If you allow it, you will confront some of your most deepest fears, some of your most deepest hurts. You will be in denial, you will disagree, you will fight with yourself, you will question your beliefs...and in the end you will realise that nothing has meaning. Nothing has meaning save what you give it.

Doing this course really helped me to finally have closure with my last relationship. I could see how and I could see why I was never able to let it go despite telling myself that I 'was over it' time after time again. I had held on to so much...what was said, what wasn't said, what should have been done, what things meant or didn't mean, love, hurt, pain...and in the end it was my acceptance of the fact that I never allowed myself to be angry at him that enabled me to finally free him from my soul.

After the first day of Landmark I called up SS and asked her for some help with an exercise which we had to do. We were talking and somewhere in the conversation she said to me..."I know you...you are angry and you are jealous..." and she didn't even have to finish the sentence before I started bawling my eyes out and I broke down over the phone....I broke down because what she said really hit the nail on the head for me...and I knew it to be so true...and I just cried and I cried and I cried...for all the anger and jealousy which I never allowed to surface over the bumpy ride of the 7 years of my last relationship.

Over that weekend I was so emotional. I remember one morning session the tears just kept coming. It didn't matter who got up there to share...it didn't matter what their story was...I just cried and cried. On the Sunday Robert sat next to me. I always wondered whenever we came in for another session, who I would be sitting next to and what we would be able to give to each other. So Robert and I shared our letters which we had to write as an exercise, to a loved one the night before. In no coincidence whatsoever I had written to my ex and he had written to his ex. Our stories were so similar. I shared mine first and then he shared his. As soon as he started reading, I felt like it was for me from my ex...it was like all the things that I had wanted to hear but had never heard. And I just broke down and couldn't stop crying...and poor Robert didn't know what to do!!! :-) I said to him....Great....now you're going to remember me as the girl that you made cry at Landmark!!! :-) His letter moved me so so much. And I don't think he knows how much he moved me and helped me to move past my last relationship.

Anyway the experience for that weekend was just phenomenal...absolutely 100%...and I'm not just saying that. I definitely got something out of it.

So now I go back to the Assisting program. I have always been one to volunteer my time to help out with things...so naturally I wanted to help out with the Assisting program. For some reason I am really feeling the pressure to stay there...and I know I am putting it there myself in ways...you know avoiding looking bad and trying to look good...But like I said....something just isn't sitting very right with me about this Assisting course. I don't feel like it's helping me grow in any way. I feel quite disconnected from it to be honest. And right now I just feel like I really need to put my hands up...say...sorry to break my promise...but I have to do this for myself and not go on with this Assisting program.

I have created these possibilities for myself...to be honest, worthy and courageous. And in speaking out and saying...hey look guys...this is just not for me right now...I am taking on being honest and courageous!

New Year, New Cheer

Happy 2008!!

For the first time in a long time I welcomed in the New Year in my sleep. Feeling a bit under the weather after returning from the South Coast the day before, and having done 7hrs of housework straight, I popped two Panadol rapids, read some Harry Potter and crashed out before 11pm!!!

Celebrating New Years is so much about being with my friends more than family for me. This year the Magnificent 7 were scattered all over the place...on a plane, in the States, in Shellharbour, at home with the kids, out at another party and asleep!!! :-)

Anyway, it's 2008 and it's a new year. I am looking forward to the change and challenges which lie ahead for me. For the first time in 5 years I am not working full-time and I am choosing to take a different career path. I know before I said I had intended to complete the CELTA in January this year...which I then changed to February...and now...to go somewhere else, I have just registered my interest to complete a Master of Teaching (Primary) at ACU in Strathfield. When that gets approved I will be commencing full-time studies from February 11th for 2 years :-)

My parents are a bit worried about my financial circumstance. They think it's a waste that I have worked so hard in my previous career and gone so far with a great salary, that I would choose teaching and start from the bottom again...

I'm not worried because I am consciously choosing a path which is my calling. It is what I want to do. And I believe that if you love what you do and are passionate about it, then you are able to create create create the greatest things for yourself.

I never imagined myself to be studying again. But the more I read the course subjects the more I feel like...'Yeh! That's what I want to do!' And it feels right at this moment in my life. I know I will be approaching study from another perspective and I feel confident about it...and I am looking forward to being a student again :-)

So I guess I will be staying put for 2 years in the least :-) Yeh....:-)

Cheers to 2008!!!

Less is More

My room is a mess and I'm trying to tackle the mountain of big and little things which I have collected over the years. Over the past year I have come to realise that really, we do not need all that much to survive...so now I am sifting through all this crap which I have hoarded in the past and I wish that I would have come to this realisation earlier...like maybe 10 years earlier in the least!!!

Textbooks...from high school, from university...which are now useless! Why the hell did I keep them all??? And now I have trouble donating them even! The only place for them now is the recycling bin!

Plastic bags!!! Like 3 bags full of them!!! What the??? Luckily I can now drop them off at my local Woolies for recycling also!!! That's comforting in a way. I cringe now whenever I buy groceries and they put my stuff in plastic bags (I did take my stuff out and repack into my own material bag afterwards!)...or when my mum comes home with groceries and more plastic bags...

My clothes...well, I must say they were the easiest to sort through and dispose of...all going to the Salvos! But it's the little things in my room which are taking me forever to go through!!! Keyrings, pins, badges, watches, cassette tapes, foreign currency, small ornaments...all which have a considerable layer of dust on them...I should just close my eyes and throw everything out...

So anyway, I better get back to it...I have about 25 years worth of trinkets and treasures to sort through. And yeh I know I am 29 but I'm sure I wouldn't have collected anything in my first 4 years of life :-)

My valuable lesson...donate your stuff...or sell your things while it still has some value...you certainly won't miss it!!!

Dangels

It's pronounced as 'Angels' with a D in front :-) It does not rhyme with 'bangles' :-)

My rugby team. My social life in Swiss. My great friends.

I never would have imagined coming to Switzerland and playing in a rugby team. But being part of the Rugby Club Luzern, and especially playing with the Dangels has been the highlight of my time in Switzerland.

In ways it reminded me of my dragon-boating days in CYL...the same yet totally different. The same as in the feeling of being part of a great team and having lots of fun drinking...and drinking...and playing drinking games...and the occasional stripping...and the road/train trips...but most of all...coming away from it with a great bunch of friends...

I cried. Cried about the thought of how much I will miss everybody here. The first time I cried about this was after numerous drinks after my last game and my Coach saying to me...'Once a Dangel, always a Dangel.'...which just tipped the emotional scale and tears started coming down my face which I couldn't stop. Then I proceeded hugging everyone saying...'I can't believe I'm crying! It's the alcohol!!!' :-) The tears just wouldn't stop.

I cried again last night. At the Roadhouse saying goodbye to Lollipop and Esti. I thought I would be able to hold back, but I felt the bubble burst and the tears came again...Again I had had numerous drinks :-)

They gave me a gift...a gift which is priceless. It was a photobook with pictures from my time with the team...shots from the games and also from the after-parties :-) Needless to say, almost every shot I was a bit tipsy...along with the rest of the team...including our Trainers :-) They all wrote messages in there for me...I didn't know what to say...except that I really loved the gift...and I will treasure it...

So thank you to my dear fellow Dangels!!! I love you all!!!

This is not Goodbye, but 'See you later!' :-)

Your Jackie Chan :-)

Ramblings & Ruggers

Sometimes my thoughts float to how things will be when I go home to Sydney. I know things will be different because I have changed in many ways. All my married girlfriends have their own agendas; one of my girlfriends will more than likely move to the Gong and another will most likely not be in Sydney when I return. So I think...will I make new friends? Will it be more about time with my family? And how much of that will I be able to tolerate...?? I think that it will be a time for me to discover more about myself in the place I escaped from for a little while - with no attachments, no commitments and a brand new slate. The only commitment I have to make is to myself and to live my life fully.

A few weeks ago lots of thoughts were floating around in my head. And for the first time in the 2.5 years that I have been away from Sydney, I actually didn't feel like going home. Some say that 2 years is the magic number to settle into a place...

It was a rather strange feeling for me. I felt very settled indeed with my life here. Aside from my job, I was very happy with everything else. My friends, where I live, my bestest flatmate in the whole wide universe :-) And just the easy-going lifestyle :-) I found myself very confused and not knowing what I should do. Lots of thoughts were floating around in my head..."Should I stay in Sydney? Well, I have to go home for Christmas! Maybe I can find a job here in Europe! I can get my CELTA and teach anywhere pretty much! Should I leave my things? Should I pack everything up? Should I close my bank account? Will I come back here? Maybe I will go and work in Dubai?! Or Vienna perhaps?! What is back in Sydney for me besides my family? My friends. Yeh. But everyone is doing their own things...I feel so removed from everything in ways. Things will be the same yet different...I don't know!!! What to do?! What to do?! God please help me!!!"

I woke up the next morning and I felt very calm. My first thought was..."Yes, I must go back to Sydney and then take things one step at a time. Time. There is plenty of it." And then I knew that I would be okay and that I needn't worry about things that have not happened yet :-)

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Some days I feel quite removed from my wonderful Findhorn experience. It's been 5 weeks since that time. It almost feels like it was just a dream...so long ago...But at least I will see my friend Hugo in 2 weeks, so that should lift my spirits once again into the clouds :-) We will be attending this workshop by one of the founding members of Findhorn (Dorothy Maclean), which will be here in Switzerland!! The workshop is called Connecting with God and Nature. So I think perhaps it is something which I will need...and the timing is perfect...just to remind me again of how much in alignment with God I can be :-)

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The previous weekend I was in Cardiff with Petra and Christa. It was such a bloody awesome weekend!! In ways I wish I had written a blog about it as soon as I got home as I was still whirling from the magic that was being in Cardiff during the Rugby World Cup!!! Most of it has rubbed off now, so it'll probably be a boring account from me!!! Sorry!!! :-)

Yeh so being in Cardiff during the Rugby World Cup was just the best!!! It's one thing to watch the RWC when it is playing in your home town, but it really is something else when you go to support your team abroad!!! There were sooooooo many Aussies out and about in Cardiff that one gentleman commented "Are there any Aussies left in Australia?!" :-) I just had to grin stupidly at the comment. Actually, all weekend I had a silly wide grin on my face :-) The atmosphere on the Saturday just blew me away...

We stumbled upon a bar called "Kiwi's" and I felt a bit awkward at first being surrounded by all the AB supporters!!! But then we moved along a bit and found another entrance to the same place...and we came upon Jane and Nick from Adelaide!!! Hooray!! And also Simon from Canterbury NZ!!! :-) Tell you what, Jane and Nick were so cool!!! :-) I'm so glad we met them because we had such a great time before and after the match!!! We must've met the coolest bunch of people in Cardiff that day :-)

The experience of being in Cardiff, watching rugby, watching the Wallabies, watching them beat Wales and silencing the 40-thousand-plus Welsh crowd...was just bloody awesome mate!!! :-)

The next day the streets were dead. I couldn't quite believe it!!! Where did all the people go overnight?!!! But anyway we still had our fun and the real bonus was meeting some of the Fijian players in Kiwi's bar after their game against Canada!!! Ruggers are so nice and big and strong and muscly in all the right places ;-p I'm gonna get myself a rugger ;-p hahha...

The Rugby

I wrote this after the Tri-Nations decider last weekend...

Despite the 26-12 defeat to the AB's yesterday, I was quite happy with the performance of our boys.

You see, almost EVERYBODY expects the AB's to win. They have this expectation that they should be winning every game because they are the best team in the world. I read an article that many of the Kiwi players were 'disgusted' at the loss to the Wallabies from the previous fortnight...Well, you know, if I was an AB supporter, Australia would be the team I would want to lose against if...lo-and-behold-if-heaven-forsakes that they would lose!!!

And so after the game, I smiled. I thought, well done to the AB's, but definitely better things are coming the Wallabies way :-) My personal opinion is that the AB's have plateaued for the World Cup. There is so much talk and them 'peaking too early'...but then again...they haven't really shown any peak this Tri Nations series...so maybe they do have something in the bag come World Cup time.

I guess a lesson for everybody is that one should never dismiss the AB's. They are the ones who can make something out of nothing and that is why they are currently the best team in the world!

As always, I am behind our boys all the way. And NZ has always been the team I barrack for if they are not playing the Wallabies...you know, neighbourly love and all :-) And so...I am looking forward to yet another semi-final showdown between these two great rugby nations come October ;-)

Motivation...

For the past 3 weeks my motivation levels at work have hit the lowest of low!!! I just cannot be facked to do anything!!! And ok, it was alright for a while because I had nothing major due, but now it's Reporting time again...and I am supposed to be up over my head with work...yet I sit here and can't get a push to start something. Ok...well, I do bits and pieces but nowhere near enough to what I should be doing!!! I think of all the work I must get through before my holiday at the end of this month and I just want to cry!!!

And despite me knowing how much I should be getting done, I play around on Facebook and write on my blog!!! Man, I haven't experienced procrastination like this since...since my university days when I had to study for exams or do an assignment!!!

Shit!! Where did the motivation disappear to?? Well, even if motivation doesn't kick in, I have time that will loom up like a freight train...and then I'll be sorry!!!

God can only help those who help themselves!!! ;-p

And so it is...

And so I have officially tendered my resignation from my current position here in Switzerland. When I went to hand in my resignation letter last Thursday and my boss asked me for the reason, I suddenly felt overwhelmed and actually burst into tears infront of my boss!!! I told her that the main reason was because I missed my family and friends too much...*sniff*...and she asked me jokingly if I really did miss them that much...and yes I do miss you guys that much :-)

I seriously did not expect to be so upset!!! But I couldn't control my emotions and the tears just came out!!! Now, I wasn't crying because I was resigning or sad to be leaving the company at the end of October. I think more than anything it was more relief. Relief because for a long time I knew the day would come. And when that time came, I knew that finally I would be heading home for good.

And so I have already made my plans to leave Switzerland. I will be leaving on November 12th, spend some time in Malaysia with my parents then spend a few days in Hong Kong whilst my parents fly back to Sydney :-) And I will be arriving home on my mum's birthday on November 24th :-) And then just chill out in December :-)

I communicated to my old boss in Sydney that when I figure out what I wish to do, then perhaps I will be in touch with him for any job opportunites. They have already told me to make sure I speak with them before I go job-hunting :-) Which is always reassuring!

Back in early April when I had already been thinking about leaving towards the end of the year, I wasn't sure whether or not I still wanted to work for the same company. At that stage I really had had enough and felt that I just needed a break. Then over the course of two months there were some changes in the Oz office and suddenly I thought...maybe I do want to work for them again! And I had been toying with the idea. Actually up until last night I still thought I had wanted to go back and work with my old boss. They are a great bunch of people to work with!!!

But something changed last night...

I realised that the only reasons I would go back to my old company would be for security purposes and for the people there. I know that I would probably get paid well and I would be more or less familiar with the work - or at least be able to pick things up pretty quickly.

But what do I love doing? What do I enjoy the most? What makes my heart and soul smile?? And the answer that came back to me, the answer that I have known all along, is to work with children.

I had this vision of working with kids and coaching them. I'm talking about primary school kids here! I remembered a time when I taught my godsister and godbrother some maths and I remembered how much they enjoyed it. My godsister reminds me about it from time to time and tells me how much fun it was and that she did learn something :-) I also have this vision of working with adults and helping them with their English.

And so I am going to ask for divine guidance to help me onto this path. I truly believe that if you do what you love then the money will follow...and so I should step out of my financial comfort zone and freefall. The rewards I am sure, will be greater than any measureable thing :-)

Emotions

I don't know why I am feeling a bit emotional these past few days. Perhaps it's something in the cosmos or perhaps it's something to do with my bio-rhythms...whatever that is!!!

They say that feelings and emotions are the language of the soul - so what exactly is my soul trying to say to me?? I guess I should quiet my mind and listen up more closely...

Yesterday, courtesy of Petra, we were volunteering at the Ironman Triathlon in Zurich. It was heaps of fun and an awesome experience!

Competing in any triathlon is no mean feat. It is a real test of fitness and more so a real test of the power of the mind. In yesterday's triathlon, the competitors had to swim 3.8km, cycle 180km and then run 42km!!! And all in a day's work!!! I cannot even begin to imagine how gruelling the whole exercise is!!!

After being on my feet and in the sun for almost 10 whole hours helping out, my head felt like it would explode by the time I finished up!!! And I was only doing mild labour compared to the athletes!!! I did get more exposure to the sun than I would have liked though and my guess is that I suffered from a mild case of heat stroke!

Anyway after finishing up with our volunteer work around 6.30pm, Petra and I started cheering the remaining competitors on, as they passed the volunteer's area. I think many of them were delirious by that time - since they started the competition at 7am that morning!!! The majority of them gave us a wave or a smile or a 'thanks' as we cheered and clapped them on. I wondered aloud to Petra whether the athletes would get annoyed with our cheering and she said no, that in fact they really appreciate it -and she was very right.

After a little while we headed over to the finishing area - the home stretch. It was amazing to watch these athletes muster up their last bits of energy and finish the race - the looks of relief on their faces as they ran the last 50 meters. But what touched me most was seeing these athletes being supported by their kids or their whole family even - including their family dog!!!

I saw maybe 3 or 4 athletes running down the home stretch holding the hands of their kids...and it just moved me so much!!! There was one memorable moment when three little kids started jumping up and down yelling - 'There's daddy! There's daddy! Quick! Quick!' and they ran out to their dad as he rounded the corner, and together the four of them ran to the finish line, hand in hand. It was so moving :-) I had to wipe tears from my eyes :-)

In the meantime there was this little girl maybe 2 years old in a pram next to me. Little blondie had such a cute smile and every single time I looked at her she would laugh and shy away from me. I didn't think I looked that funny!! hahah...:-) So I looked at her quite often just because her laugh and smile was so cute :-)

Anyway, speaking of emotions...this morning I saw a photo of my Soul Sista Eva from about a week or so ago with some old friends from Sydney who were visiting HK. Seeing the photo just made me miss her so much, and it made me miss my friends heaps too. And I got a bit teary-eyed! Something in the planetary alignments I tell you!!!

Who cares?

Waiting for my video to be uploaded on Facebook, I was browsing the Good News Network website (www.goodnewsnetwork.org)...And the stories there always move me in some way...

Sometimes I'm so busy doing my own thing, so busy in my world of technology that I forget. I forget that there are people out there who devote their time towards making this world a better place to live in. I forget that there are people that actually truly care for the well-being of others, for the state of the world in which we live in.

It's so easy to just forget sometimes because maybe we think the world is already a mess and beyond help. Perhaps we think that we alone cannot make a difference. Maybe we think...what good is it if I do something to help someone, to help the world around me and the person next to me just undoes what I go out to do?

What if we thought differently? What if you knew that you alone can make a difference to the world, by your actions, by your words? It all starts from somewhere. Quoting from Mohandas Ghandi..."Be the change that you want to see in the world."