Someone Like You

6th October 2005

Someone like you
Makes me laugh
Makes me cry.

In the moment I think of you,
A smile breaks across my face
And no-one knows my joy.

In the moment I think of you,
My heart just aches
And no-one knows my pain.

Joy cannot exist without pain
That is the tragedy
That is the triumph.

I Wish

26th May 2005

I wish you were here
So we can watch the sunset
So we can climb a mountain
So that we can just be together

But many oceans separate us
And I am here and you are there
And I don't know when I will see you again

Life is strange
Or maybe it's the human race that is strange
Or maybe it's just you and me

I wish I could have told you
What has been on my mind and in my heart
For so long now
And sometimes I wish we would have done things differently

But living in the past is no way to go
So we learn from our mistakes and our fears
And we look ahead to a brighter future
Possibly together, possibly not

Wherever our paths may lead
Whatever roads we choose to take
Know that I will never be too far away

Releasing thoughts...(on relationships)

I came upon this email I wrote in November 2005 to my friends, on relationships. It's kinda fitting now as just this weekend passed, I was told about three relationship break-ups...

"When you're in a relationship, and things are falling apart, you wonder at what point this started to happen? Surely it wasn't always like this. It's kinda strange right now...but I guess maybe it's always happening this way...I know of three weddings this month, and I also know of three relationships which are on the rocks this month. Is it something about this time of the year or maybe this is something that happends all the time, 365 days in the year?

At what point do you stop loving someone? Or at what point does one realize that the constant fighting is doing neither party any good? At what point do you stop and think to yourself, am I happy in this relationship? At what point did communication break down? When all is said and done, is there anything more to say and do? Or do we just look at each other like we are strangers and have nothing to say anymore?

It’s all so confusing. The constant battles with each other, with ourselves. The constant questioning of self-worth, of trust, of time wasted, of love – was it for real? The feeling of numbness, to our thoughts, to ourselves, to the world around us, drowned out with some alcohol or the confines of our own emotions.

Will it be the end of something that was just never meant to be? Or will it be the start of something greater and grander than before? I guess in a lot of ways, when relationships break down, it is our ego which is bruised the most. The reality is that we have loved and we have embraced the best qualities of the other person. The illusion is the perceptions which we have of them, how we expect them to be, and so our egos clash and that’s when it kinda turns bad.

Sometimes I think we expect too much…of ourselves, of the other person, of how we are meant to feel or act, of how we think we should be. Sometimes we just have to throw expectations out the window and just live and just love and just accept people for who they are. Sometimes we just have to take risks. Sometime we have to take life by its balls and squeeze everything we can out of it, because if we don’t then our lives can become meaningless.

I heard this quote once which said “A life lived in fear is a life half lived.” So what’s fear then? I think that fear is never knowing what you want in life. I think fear is not daring to go beyond your own boundaries, your comfort zone. I think fear is not having the guts to take control of your own life and steer it in the direction that you want. When it comes to the crunch, really it’s all a matter of personal choice. We have all feared something in our lives, and I’m sure we still do, and still will till our dying day. But this fear needn’t be so lonely. There is no need to feel like we are in a black hole. If we surround ourselves with our family, our friends, the people that truly love and care about us, we can be assured that they will never let us fall. The constant love and support which you get from these people is truly divine.

I believe in unconditional love. I believe that love should be enough. But in this lifetime, I have questioned my beliefs time and again, and I am still learning."

It's been almost 15 months since I wrote what I did above. I still believe in unconditional love. I don't know anymore if I believe that love should be enough. I would really like to believe it again.

Grass is Greener...

In the 21 months that I have been here, most people I have met are in awe when I tell them I am from Sydney. Their faces just light up and they have a huge smile on their faces. Many look at me incredulously when I say that I actually live here. Some think I am a student, some think I am travelling. For them, they cannot believe that I left such a beautiful place to come and live here!

They always ask me why and I always have the same answer ready. I say - it's just different :-) And I tell them that their country is beautiful also. But it puts a huge smile on my face when they tell me how much they love Sydney or how much they love Australia, or how much they would love to go there :-) It makes me very proud to be an Australian :-)

Before I came here, when I told my family and friends that I was moving to Switzerland, they were equally in awe as I was!!! They said "Switzerland?? Oh wow!!!". I think the majority of us Aussies have this stereotypical image of Switzerland in our heads - snow-capped mountains, skiing, snowboarding, cheese and chocolate :-) And perhaps a bit of yodelling as well ;-p

The first few days I was here I was gob-smacked by the beauty which surrounded me. I could not believe that I was in such a place! It was like a fairytale! But most days now I fail to really notice the beauty...unless I'm up on a mountain somewhere and can take the time to stop and look around. It's kinda sad.

It's funny how the grass always seems to be greener on the other side. It's funny how friends and family tell me that I must be having the best time over here, because that's what it looks like from my photos, and from what I write in emails. But then, who ever takes photos of people when they're sad or lonely?! Who wants to hear about another day passed-by with just waking up, going to work, coming home, making something to eat, watching tv, going to bed?!! haha...:-)

It's a bit scary when I think about how long I have been here! Almost two years now!!! Though I have been back to Sydney on three occasions in that time :-) My niece Ashleigh can walk and talk now. She was only three months old when I left :-) I found a picture of her in my wallet the other day (I use the term 'wallet' cos 'purse' is too girly! hehe..) when she was one week old...and it made me smile :-)

I never thought the grass would be greener on this side of the world :-) It was not the reason I came :-) I needed a new challenge and just something...different :-) And that I certainly got! :-) They say that home is where the heart is. My heart definitely belongs to Sydney. Always has, always will :-)