Can I be unreasonable? Can I be honest? Do I have the courage?
Doing the Assisting program for the past 3 weeks at Landmark, something about it is just not sitting right with me. I have 'committed' myself to 16 weeks of this, giving 3hrs a week of my time, to not only give to others but for personal gain also. But at the end of every session so far, and the days following my session I am left pondering, doubting...fearful perhaps? of what I don't know?
A few weeks ago I embarked on the Landmark path. I must say that the Landmark Forum has been one of the most eye-opening experiences for me in terms of the way we perceive things in life. You cannot be human and sit there for the whole weekend without being moved by the real-life stories which are told by your peers. So much resonates with you, and so much of what is said is so confronting on so many levels that you can't help but think....WOW!!! If you allow it, you will confront some of your most deepest fears, some of your most deepest hurts. You will be in denial, you will disagree, you will fight with yourself, you will question your beliefs...and in the end you will realise that nothing has meaning. Nothing has meaning save what you give it.
Doing this course really helped me to finally have closure with my last relationship. I could see how and I could see why I was never able to let it go despite telling myself that I 'was over it' time after time again. I had held on to so much...what was said, what wasn't said, what should have been done, what things meant or didn't mean, love, hurt, pain...and in the end it was my acceptance of the fact that I never allowed myself to be angry at him that enabled me to finally free him from my soul.
After the first day of Landmark I called up SS and asked her for some help with an exercise which we had to do. We were talking and somewhere in the conversation she said to me..."I know you...you are angry and you are jealous..." and she didn't even have to finish the sentence before I started bawling my eyes out and I broke down over the phone....I broke down because what she said really hit the nail on the head for me...and I knew it to be so true...and I just cried and I cried and I cried...for all the anger and jealousy which I never allowed to surface over the bumpy ride of the 7 years of my last relationship.
Over that weekend I was so emotional. I remember one morning session the tears just kept coming. It didn't matter who got up there to share...it didn't matter what their story was...I just cried and cried. On the Sunday Robert sat next to me. I always wondered whenever we came in for another session, who I would be sitting next to and what we would be able to give to each other. So Robert and I shared our letters which we had to write as an exercise, to a loved one the night before. In no coincidence whatsoever I had written to my ex and he had written to his ex. Our stories were so similar. I shared mine first and then he shared his. As soon as he started reading, I felt like it was for me from my ex...it was like all the things that I had wanted to hear but had never heard. And I just broke down and couldn't stop crying...and poor Robert didn't know what to do!!! :-) I said to him....Great....now you're going to remember me as the girl that you made cry at Landmark!!! :-) His letter moved me so so much. And I don't think he knows how much he moved me and helped me to move past my last relationship.
Anyway the experience for that weekend was just phenomenal...absolutely 100%...and I'm not just saying that. I definitely got something out of it.
So now I go back to the Assisting program. I have always been one to volunteer my time to help out with things...so naturally I wanted to help out with the Assisting program. For some reason I am really feeling the pressure to stay there...and I know I am putting it there myself in ways...you know avoiding looking bad and trying to look good...But like I said....something just isn't sitting very right with me about this Assisting course. I don't feel like it's helping me grow in any way. I feel quite disconnected from it to be honest. And right now I just feel like I really need to put my hands up...say...sorry to break my promise...but I have to do this for myself and not go on with this Assisting program.
I have created these possibilities for myself...to be honest, worthy and courageous. And in speaking out and saying...hey look guys...this is just not for me right now...I am taking on being honest and courageous!
