In My Element

I'm sitting here wondering how the hell to start this post...There's so much to say, yet so little...It's just one of those things I guess...where sometimes, one just cannot use words to describe...things!!! :-)

I've been teaching English for six months now. And I am absolutely in my element right now. Something that you just feel in your bones :-) I have so much passion for what I do at the moment that it doesn't even feel like a job!!! Heck, earning some dollars for something I love so much?!! It's totally awesome!!! :-)

All the students I've had the pleasure of teaching and even those I have just passed by at school, have been amazing...although sometimes it just doesn't appear to be that way :-) I think about 96% of the time that I have taught, I have enjoyed being there...and the other 4%...I guess I just wasn't present enough to what I could be learning from the situation.

Not only are the students amazing, but my colleagues are even more amazing! :-) They are the other reason why I love my job so much!!! :-) I guess I've never worked in a place where I've been able to have so much fun!!! :-) My work environment in Switzerland was fun once in a blue moon...okay...maybe a tad more than that...but I knew I wasn't there for fun...I always knew that it would be a lot of hard work...not to mention the white hairs which magically grew on both sides of my head (next to my temples) which came as part of my job ;-p

Find your element and just ride with it...cos I know I am! :-)

Emerging

Gone are the cold winter days and nights. Slowly I am emerging from my cave which I have been hiding in over the past few months!!! I love the warm weather...absolutely love it!!! I have already plunged into the lovely waters at Clovelly Bay - twice!! And we (me + my two crazy friends who swim with me) are already acclimatising to the currently "cold" water temperature. It's about 21 degrees I believe :-) But with the warm weather, the water should be warming up pretty soon (we hope! as well as every other normal person!!!).

So aside from the Saturday or Sunday early morning swims, I also started playing in a mixed touch-footy comp two weeks ago. The first week was cruisy and I felt like I hadn't run around as much as I would've liked to (by the end of the game). We were playing against juniors! haha!!! But then last week, we played against the Division winners from last year!!! So needless to say we got our asses whooped - even with a 5-point handicap!!! Yes, quite embarassing I know!! hehe...Nevertheless, it was a great learning experience and also, I think I got more than enough of running around that evening!!!

The warmer weather is also melting away my "social recluse"-ism :-) I don't even know when I started becoming a social recluse...maybe it was when I was in Switzerland...yeh...I think that was it!!! All along, I have been blaming 'old age'...but of course nobody ever bought that, not even me!!! Anyway, I ventured out to a friend's 40th birthday dinner two weeks ago in Cremorne, and I had an absolutely fantastic time!!! It took quite a bit of coaxing from my friend though!!! I'm glad that she persisted!! :-) Then I hung out with some of my colleagues after work, which was good fun too!! Who ever would have thought huh?!! Not about my colleagues, but just about me actually being out and about!!! haha...

Anyway, things are looking up and I'm slowly building up my social life again :-) It's been about 3.5years since I've actually felt like being this social!!! God! What have I been missing out on?!!! I've been in a deep sleep!!!

As part of my rehabilitation to rejoin society, I went to see The Living End at the Enmore Theatre last night with my cousins...and WOW!!! TLE totally rocked the socks off the place!!! Frontman Chris Cheney was looking better than ever!! Not that I have a crush on him...but I thought he looked really fit and totally in his element. Every performance I have seen from TLE has been awesome, but I must say that last nights' performance was just exceptional!!! I've never seen a band look so comfortable on stage (and I've been to many concerts!)...and by far, it's one of the best concerts I have ever been to!!!

I watched as they played from their soul. You could feel the incredible vibe. It was like they just melded with their instruments, with each other, with the stage and with the audience...can't really describe it...you just had to be there...:-) just incredible :-)

Proud

It's only been in the last week that I've felt the spark of Olympic fever. I wasn't interested in reading any articles or watching any special lead-up programs to Beijing 2008. I didn't even think I'd really get into it this time around.

But as I sat down last night and watched the Opening Ceremony with my mum and a family friend, and then later my dad...I felt so proud to be Chinese. What I saw really moved me on a deeper level and I thought how amazing it was for China to put on such a spectacular show, to show the world!!!

As I watched the faces of the volunteer performances, I saw how proud they were to be there and to be a part of history. Pride for their country, pride for their culture, pride for their people. It took me back to Sydney 2000 when I felt so moved during the first full rehearsal of the Opening Ceremony. I remember hearing the crowd cheering and the air was just so thick of excitement and pride...for one's country, for humanity...knowing that I was part of something truly special.

I love the spirit of the games! It's sadly one of the few times where nations unite with no political, racial or religious indifferences. If only humanity could live in this way...

I Heart Google

It really pays to quickly google "discounts" for anything you are looking for, whether it be concert tickets, fast food, books or electronic items online. Let's take last night for example. I had a real craving for Domino's pizza the night before, but since dinner had already been prepared, I thought it'd do me good to save a few bucks.

But last night I thought...it's pizza night!!! I wondered how much pizzas were these days since I hadn't had some in quite some time. The last I remember was that a Domino's pizza cost something like five or six bucks. So when they had a special offer on the Domino's website for $7.95 a pizza, I thought it somewhat expensive.

Not satisfied with their 'special offer', I quickly went to www.hotdockets.com.au to see if they had any discount vouchers. They did. Pizzas were going for $5.95 each for pick-up. But they were for all the Domino's within 10km of Blacktown except for the one closest to us!!! Typical!!!

So, still not willing to pay $7.95 a pizza, and not willing to drive any further than I needed to, I kept searching...and my efforts were duly rewarded when I found a discount code which gave me three large pizzas for $14.95!!! Oh what a bargain!!! And so, after choosing my three pizza toppings and entering in the discount code, I ordered the pizzas online!!!

Here's another example from a few weeks ago. I was looking for discount tickets to Billy Elliot the musical. My godsister suggested we take our mums to see it, and she also had another friend coming along. It took me a while to find discount tickets, as discounts don't usually apply on Saturday nights...but what I found was just awesome!!! Personally I didn't get a discount, but for my godsister and her friend, who are both under 25yrs old, I managed to save them more than $50 each for their ticket!!! The reason? During World Youth Week, discount tickets are available for under 25yr olds!!!

Oh how I love google and the internet!!! :-) And the discounts even more so ;-)

Leaving

It was time to leave, my work was done.
In one embrace you dissolved all my tiredness.
You squeezed me tight and held me near.
Eternity passed as our souls connected.

One more chance to say goodbye.
I closed the door and you stood there waving.
A feeling of sadness swept over me.
Maybe it was a deep sorrow from lifetimes ago.

As the physical distance grew, so did the sadness.
I wanted to sob; to bring to surface the deep sorrow within.
My heart wanted to turn back around.
My head said no.

Feeding my soul

I cannot remember the last time my soul felt such nourishment as it does right now. I have just completed the 4-week full-time CELTA course at International House Sydney and what an amazing experience it has been!!!

Despite the intensity of the course with all the late nights/early mornings preparing lesson plans, it has all been so worth it!!! On numerous occasions I found myself working into the wee hours of the morning, the latest of which I found myself crawling into bed at 4am in the morning!!! And even only with 3hrs sleep, I still managed to stand and deliver with a smile on my face, thoroughly enjoying the lesson.

My new friends from the course - we made it through with incredible support from each other!!! I love you guys and we truly have survived something mammoth!!! :-) I wouldn't have chosen to experience this course any other way!!! :-)

So now my soul is feeling nourished and I will go out there and teach some English!!! See you in the classroom!!! :-)

Recognition

You turned your head to look at me
Our eyes met for a brief moment.
Recognition registered in my soul.
But my mind was confused.

I dreamt of you that night.
You kissed me
And I could not step away.

I don't even know you really.
I don't know anything about you.
But I feel drawn to you.
And my logic is having a field day in my head.

Poor me...

Five minutes ago
"Oh poor me....nobody loves me...nobody cares about me....do I want to do all these things?? *sniff sniff* You guys have a weekend and I have to work 7 days a week....boo hoo hooooo...Nobody cares!!! Who else would do it if I don't do it??? It's better if I'm dead cos then I can close my eyes and not have to worry about it all....yadayadayadayada...."

Earlier today
He says: Son...go and bring the clothes in. She says: "No! I'll do it...he won't do it properly..."

And so...I'm trying to concentrate on my next lesson plans and I get caught up in the hoorah of my mother. I just roll my eyes....god help me!!! Or perhaps....god help her!!!

I need to find my escape from the negative energy being created. Dad's chopping away madly in the kitchen...most likely to drown out the whining just like me!!! I close my bedroom door and can still hear Poor Me going on....droning through the walls of the house...

I need to find my escape...my saviour...my ipod and music player...turning it up loud enough to drown it all out...Getting lost in Pachelbel's Canon in D major...ahhhh...

Bliss

Life is just so grand :-)

I cannot remember the last time I loved life so much.
I cannot remember a time where I felt so utterly free and so full of life!!!
I cannot even begin to describe how I am feeling right now.

It's more a state of being free, of being content, of being love.
It's just a pure state of being.
And it is just so so wonderful...
And it is so so powerful...

It's a serenity.
A contentedness.
Love. Joy. Gratitude.

Humble humble gratitude to my parents, my family, my friends, human beings and all the things seen and unseen.

It is bliss.
It is godly.
It is love.

On Your Birthday

My niece is turning the big ONE on 28th March. She is gorgeous as anything and is such a happy-go-lucky child :-) Just being around her really brightens you up :-)



Contrary to popular belief when you turn x years old on your birthday, you are actually celebrating x years of life that you have lived. Many people think that when they turn x, that they are living into that age for the next 365 or 366 days. If you think about it, we aren't 1 when we are born! So when we turn 30 for example, yes we have lived for 30 full years!!! :-)

So Happy Birthday to my beautiful niece Sarah! We are all miracles, and I'm glad that we are in this life together :-)

A Knowing...

She said to me..."You will be back." and she said "I love you."

I thought to myself...I don't even know you, how can you love me? And I thought, I won't be back because I know myself...plus I won't give you the satisfaction of being right...

I took a stand for myself, I put my foot down and said "I am withdrawing from the Assisting Program." We talked for some time. She said "You gave your word." and I said "Well that's just something I'll have to deal with myself." She said "No, I am not letting you quit. I am not accepting your resignation! I am taking a stand for you!" And I thought, "Well that's your choice." and I thought "I don't understand why you are taking a stand for me...you don't even know me."

So here I am 3.5 weeks later. And she knew. She knew that I would be back. She knew me better than I knew myself. And my self just feels utter gratitude and love. Now I understand her vision. Now I know her. Because now I know who I am.

How to spend 10K in five minutes...

Opening Balance: $10,500aud

1. Log on to Internet Banking
2. Pay for CELTA course: $3050
3. Transfer funds to Swiss Account: 2000chf (about $2100aud)
--> a) Pay 2007 utilities bill: 620chf
--> b) Pay Mastercard: 1250chf
4. Pay Visa: $4000
5. IOU to bro: $300
6. Transfer $$$ to dad for goodwill: $1000

Remaining Balance: $50

God am I feeling rich or what???

See...easy!!! :-)

Now can I borrow fifty bucks?? Please?? ;-p

Passing Moment

Walking along
I catch a glimpse
of people
of faces.

For a split second
familiarity registers.
Friends from a faraway place.

Everywhere I go
They are there.

A head turns.
A shadow passes.
I walk on.

It's just a passing moment.

Hollow

There was a vacancy, a void.
I was not there.
You were so gentle and loving
Yet I was not there.

My mind had drifted
My soul just floating
And there I lay in your arms
Only a shadow.

I'm sorry I was not present
To be with you
and to give you all of me.
I did not know better.

And every time you tried
I was not there.
You helped me through
but my wall you could not penetrate
No matter how hard you tried.

I'm sorry I was not there.
I love you my friend.

Landmark & Closure

Can I be unreasonable? Can I be honest? Do I have the courage?

Doing the Assisting program for the past 3 weeks at Landmark, something about it is just not sitting right with me. I have 'committed' myself to 16 weeks of this, giving 3hrs a week of my time, to not only give to others but for personal gain also. But at the end of every session so far, and the days following my session I am left pondering, doubting...fearful perhaps? of what I don't know?

A few weeks ago I embarked on the Landmark path. I must say that the Landmark Forum has been one of the most eye-opening experiences for me in terms of the way we perceive things in life. You cannot be human and sit there for the whole weekend without being moved by the real-life stories which are told by your peers. So much resonates with you, and so much of what is said is so confronting on so many levels that you can't help but think....WOW!!! If you allow it, you will confront some of your most deepest fears, some of your most deepest hurts. You will be in denial, you will disagree, you will fight with yourself, you will question your beliefs...and in the end you will realise that nothing has meaning. Nothing has meaning save what you give it.

Doing this course really helped me to finally have closure with my last relationship. I could see how and I could see why I was never able to let it go despite telling myself that I 'was over it' time after time again. I had held on to so much...what was said, what wasn't said, what should have been done, what things meant or didn't mean, love, hurt, pain...and in the end it was my acceptance of the fact that I never allowed myself to be angry at him that enabled me to finally free him from my soul.

After the first day of Landmark I called up SS and asked her for some help with an exercise which we had to do. We were talking and somewhere in the conversation she said to me..."I know you...you are angry and you are jealous..." and she didn't even have to finish the sentence before I started bawling my eyes out and I broke down over the phone....I broke down because what she said really hit the nail on the head for me...and I knew it to be so true...and I just cried and I cried and I cried...for all the anger and jealousy which I never allowed to surface over the bumpy ride of the 7 years of my last relationship.

Over that weekend I was so emotional. I remember one morning session the tears just kept coming. It didn't matter who got up there to share...it didn't matter what their story was...I just cried and cried. On the Sunday Robert sat next to me. I always wondered whenever we came in for another session, who I would be sitting next to and what we would be able to give to each other. So Robert and I shared our letters which we had to write as an exercise, to a loved one the night before. In no coincidence whatsoever I had written to my ex and he had written to his ex. Our stories were so similar. I shared mine first and then he shared his. As soon as he started reading, I felt like it was for me from my ex...it was like all the things that I had wanted to hear but had never heard. And I just broke down and couldn't stop crying...and poor Robert didn't know what to do!!! :-) I said to him....Great....now you're going to remember me as the girl that you made cry at Landmark!!! :-) His letter moved me so so much. And I don't think he knows how much he moved me and helped me to move past my last relationship.

Anyway the experience for that weekend was just phenomenal...absolutely 100%...and I'm not just saying that. I definitely got something out of it.

So now I go back to the Assisting program. I have always been one to volunteer my time to help out with things...so naturally I wanted to help out with the Assisting program. For some reason I am really feeling the pressure to stay there...and I know I am putting it there myself in ways...you know avoiding looking bad and trying to look good...But like I said....something just isn't sitting very right with me about this Assisting course. I don't feel like it's helping me grow in any way. I feel quite disconnected from it to be honest. And right now I just feel like I really need to put my hands up...say...sorry to break my promise...but I have to do this for myself and not go on with this Assisting program.

I have created these possibilities for myself...to be honest, worthy and courageous. And in speaking out and saying...hey look guys...this is just not for me right now...I am taking on being honest and courageous!

Living in the Now

Like millions of people around the world today who heard about the death of Heath Ledger, I too felt deeply saddened about his passing. I was at a recruitment agency around 9.15am this morning when I overheard the news and I felt shocked and extremely sad that he had died. I wasn't even able to fully focus on the forms which I was filling out...

It's a bit strange though as it is only three days into this week and I have heard about 4 deaths. I know millions die everyday but these passings which have been brought to my attention has enabled me to pause and think about my own life and how I am living it.

On Monday I heard a rumour about a dead body of a 29-year-old woman found in the boot of a car in Granville. This morning I learned that an "Uncle's" employee had to take time off work because there was a family tragedy...rumour having been that the employee's brother-in-law had died and he was only 29. Then this morning came the news of Heath Ledger - he was 28. And as I finished lunch with my dad, he was speaking to the chef whose best friend had passed away from cancer last week, and the funeral was just yesterday. He was around 54.

And so, we can look at it one way and say that these lives were cut short unfairly. We can speculate and ask a hundred thousand questions, but would the answers really satisfy us in the end?? Princess Diana died more than 10 years ago now, yet there's still speculation surrounding 'what really happened'. Well...what really happened is that there was a car crash and she died. Nothing will change that fact. No answer, right or wrong will bring her back in this lifetime. Heath Ledger died from a cardiac arrest. Whether that was due to a drug overdose, or pneumonia mixed with drugs...or whatever...does it really matter in the end???

In the light of Heath's death, SS realised "that it doesn't matter how old we are when we die. If we didn't harness our potential or what we came into this world to do, we can live for 80 years and still the potential is unrealized. He realized his potential in 28 years." I wholeheartedly agree with SS. We are not to know what the pact is that we made with ourselves, with god before we came into this world. Yet when we fulfill this agreement, our soul will know and then it will be time to move on.

"I completely live in the now, not in the past, not in the future." This is what Heath said. This is how he lived. How awesome is that? I believe that only when we are fully present to the present, and completely living in the now, will death not phase us. And when you reach that point, you will know that everything will be just fine. You just know.

Second Best

I sit here honest and open.

In the past few weeks I have been in a bit of a career dilemma. I called a recruitment agency to enquire about a job which I had seen online. Reading the job advert I was able to tick the boxes next to pretty much all of them...and it was only a 10-month contract.

I spoke with the young woman and told her that I had intended to commence studying in February full-time, but that the job looked interesting to me. When she saw my resume she called me back and said that I was the "perfect candidate for the job". She asked me how likely it would be that my Master degree application would be accepted. She sounded very keen to forward my resume to her client, and it made me feel very good about myself...ergo...a personal trap!!!

Let's rewind a little bit though...

When I left Switzerland, my plan was to come back here and attain a Certificate in English Language Teaching to Adults (CELTA). This involves a 1-month intensive course and by the end of it I would be qualified to teach English to adults. This I had my heart set on. I even had a plan on how I would pay for it...I had it all mapped out...

But then some funds never arrived which I was expecting and so started a chain reaction of events...of reasons why not to fulfill my calling...and it goes like this...

Ohh...the funds never cleared so I can't do the CELTA...but I want to study something...so I'll pick something which I don't have to pay upfront. How about a DipEd? That's something I've always wanted to do...Oh bugger! The institutions I want to study at don't offer a DipEd to teach young kids...OK...how about a Master of Teaching (Primary) degree...that sounds alright...2 years study...hmmm...it's something at least...but 2 years...that's a bloody long time...how will I support myself?? Okay...I'll apply for it anyway...hmm....I should earn some money before uni starts...I'll do some casual admin work...Oh! this job sounds really interesting...working for some "world renowned independent media organisation"...the job description sounds like what I used to do...but hang on, it's a long term contract..."You're the perfect candidate for this job" says the lady...Damn it! I am good aren't I?? And damn it...I do love my numbers don't I?!...So why exactly have I chosen to do a Masters degree?? Am I doing it for the right reasons??...Damn it! The lure of money for 10 months and doing something which I know I can already do...

I had already decided yesterday that I would be happy for the recruitment agency to forward my resume to her client. I told her so.

I chatted to SS last night telling her my dilemma. By the end of our conversation, she had saved me!!! :-)

Things have been very muddy infront of my eyes lately and SS really helped me to see things clearly. She said...you are worth so much more than $2600 (the cost of the CELTA)!!! So don't let this little hurdle stop you. You already know in your heart what you want to do. The easy option is to take the 10 month job because you know you can succeed at it, and then at the end of 10 months they'll probably offer you another 6 months, which you won't be able to say No to....and then we'll be having this same conversation 1 year down the track!!! And then you'll be 10 months behind on what you really want to do!!! And you'll keep putting it off!

It's so true! I realised how much I almost let one little thing change the course of my life!!! Here I was for the longest time, telling myself, telling everybody that I'm going to teach english...and so had my sights set on it...then I almost let myself take 10 steps backwards!!! Because of a small financial hurdle!!!

SS said...ask for help...create that possibility! And I said...yes, I know I am very bad at asking for help! And she said...yes you are! And you're the one who always helps everyone else!!!

For me, I felt like studying for a Master of Teaching was my best option because I wasn't able to afford the course which I really wanted to do. SS said...Masters degrees are bloody expensive and one way or another you're gonna have to pay for it whether it be now or later!!! She said...don't accept what is second best...take a stand for yourself! Even in the areas of relationship you accept second best...

And in that moment, I realised how true it was...that some things in my life I had taken the second best option...that I had caved in so easily to being agreeable with the people around me that my true needs were not met...and so down the track uneasiness and unhappiness creeps in.

My brother asked me this morning whether I had heard anything from the university or if I had heard anything about a job. I told him...Nope! Not going to do any of that!!! I'm going to do the CELTA!!! And I told him about my phone conversation with SS...and my realisation about what I had almost done...and he was with me...he understood.

And so, here I am honest and open. I am committed to completing the CELTA within the next 3 months because I am choosing what is best for myself :-) I am finally feeding and nourishing my soul, which has been starved for the longest time...

New Year, New Cheer

Happy 2008!!

For the first time in a long time I welcomed in the New Year in my sleep. Feeling a bit under the weather after returning from the South Coast the day before, and having done 7hrs of housework straight, I popped two Panadol rapids, read some Harry Potter and crashed out before 11pm!!!

Celebrating New Years is so much about being with my friends more than family for me. This year the Magnificent 7 were scattered all over the place...on a plane, in the States, in Shellharbour, at home with the kids, out at another party and asleep!!! :-)

Anyway, it's 2008 and it's a new year. I am looking forward to the change and challenges which lie ahead for me. For the first time in 5 years I am not working full-time and I am choosing to take a different career path. I know before I said I had intended to complete the CELTA in January this year...which I then changed to February...and now...to go somewhere else, I have just registered my interest to complete a Master of Teaching (Primary) at ACU in Strathfield. When that gets approved I will be commencing full-time studies from February 11th for 2 years :-)

My parents are a bit worried about my financial circumstance. They think it's a waste that I have worked so hard in my previous career and gone so far with a great salary, that I would choose teaching and start from the bottom again...

I'm not worried because I am consciously choosing a path which is my calling. It is what I want to do. And I believe that if you love what you do and are passionate about it, then you are able to create create create the greatest things for yourself.

I never imagined myself to be studying again. But the more I read the course subjects the more I feel like...'Yeh! That's what I want to do!' And it feels right at this moment in my life. I know I will be approaching study from another perspective and I feel confident about it...and I am looking forward to being a student again :-)

So I guess I will be staying put for 2 years in the least :-) Yeh....:-)

Cheers to 2008!!!