Your Gift

You looked into my eyes
And penetrated my soul.
You saw my truth.
And it revealed my hurt, my pain
That had only been known to me.
And only me.

I felt a sadness overwhelm me.
A deep sorrow that had been mine
For as long as I could remember.

You held me.
You loved me.
Unconditionally.
Even though I barely knew you.

You released the part of me
That held on so desperately
To the past.

I want to thank you
My dear friend.
For your gift.

Warmth

You stare at me
With your cold cold eyes.
Sometimes it frightens me.
And I feel frozen to the core.

But it takes only a moment
For the coldness to disappear.
And beneath it all
Is warmth.
Curiously sticking its head out,
At times afraid to come out.

But it's there.
And it's comforting.

Eternity

Never had I felt
Such great distance
Between two people.

There we lay
On the same bed
Yet I clung onto the side
Like hanging on for dear life.

Our hearts - so distant.
Our souls - universes apart.

I felt the cold
Even though it was a warm summer's night.
I stepped outside,
And stared at the stars.
You didn't even notice I was gone.

I lay next to you
And felt the warmth of your body.
I cried.
Because in my heart I knew
Eternity would not be ours to share.

A Vacant Stare

I looked into your eyes
To search your soul.
But your eyes revealed
Just a vacancy, a void.

But still I pursued.
I thought I could awaken
Your soul, your truth.
And re-ignite the flame.

But over time I realised,
It is not my place to do such things.
We all grow in our own time.
We all learn in our own way.
We all define love differently.

Let's fly

Look into my eyes,
Deep into my soul.

I stand there
With arms wide open
And a heart overflowing with love

I emanate light.
Light which is pure love.
There are no shadows here.

Take a step inside
And hold my hand.
I will embrace you with love
And together we will fly.

Space Cadet

I arrived back to London yesterday after spending a week at Findhorn Foundation in Scotland (a spiritual community). The state which I was in is best summed up as a 'Space Cadet' as my friend Jase called me :-)

I really was in la-la-land. I was in such a loving and peaceful space after I left and I felt very different. Jase asked me how my week at the 'hippy community' was and all I could say was that it was absolutely awesome and great...my voice in a dreamy kinda state. Jase asked what drugs I was on...hahhaa!!! I said I'm on a natural high...high on love and love of life :-)

And oh wow...I cannot even begin to describe my experience at Findhorn...I don't know where to start...what to share...

I never knew that one could fall in love so easily with a bunch of strangers. There were 10 others in my group, all on Experience Week and I love each and every one of them, not to mention our 2 'Focalisers' for the week, who were like our Guides.

It was a week of self-discovery and inner reflection. I learnt how to be more open and just allowing others to love me, and that it is okay to ask for help and to let others do things for me. I have been the kind of person to always look out for others, always be there for them, and I give and I give and I give...Yet I always find it difficult to receive from others...I kinda put up this wall, fooling myself that I am ok and that I don't need anything from anybody...

It's kinda like...I am always appearing to be 'OK' to other people...People always see me as happy, enjoying life, laughing, loving...but hardly anyone sees the cracks...the fragility that is me...but I am only human after all...

Being kind, gentle, caring and loving to other people comes naturally to me. I do not have to think twice about these things. Having these things reciprocated has always been difficult for me. I do not know why. I never used to take compliments very well at all. Laughing it off was the only way to deal with the embarassment which I felt if someone noticed something nice or good about me. But now, I am learning to accept these things and to say 'Thank you for noticing' whenever I receive a compliment :-) And in saying that, I acknowledge the good that others see in me.

I have received many compliments within the last two or so years, but the ones which stick most in my mind are 'You are a top girl' and 'You are a very attractive girl'. The second compliment especially has taken a while to sit comfortably with me...because I do doubt it...because I fail to see it...Though I do believe that attractiveness also accounted for personality when this compliment was made...

Perhaps I find these compliments difficult to accept because the people who I want to notice these qualities in me, appear to me not to notice these...this is what I came to realise last night...and so now that I have come to this realisation I can release it from within me...And I thank from the bottom of my heart my friends Billy and Owen for noticing these qualities in me :-)

The Findhorn Experience brought lots and lots of laughter and also lots and lots of tears. I thank my new and very much treasured friends from the Experience, and I thank them for sharing this part of my life journey with me...

There was one evening during an exercise when my soul was touched very deeply. This exercise involved just gazing into another's eyes and really noticing them, because it is said that the eyes are the window to the soul...In this exercise, after both parties felt ready to move on, they would gently squeeze each others hands and then link up with another person in the room.

My partner was Hugo (god bless his gentle gentle soul), and at first I was feeling a bit goofy having to stare into someone's eyes. It's not something I find comfortable doing...but after a short while the goofy grin on my face faded and I was left gazing into these beautiful eyes and into this beautiful beautiful soul...I felt this sadness start to overwhelm me...and after a short while we just embraced each other and I felt like sobbing...I really did...but the tears wouldn't come...and so we just held onto each other...and I felt like I never wanted to let him go...

He saw me for the person that I am. He saw my soul and he reached out and touched it ever so gently. And through his embrace he told me...'It is OK to be loved'...

This particular experience was very strange for me...I didn't know how to accept it...so I had to just let it sit with me for the rest of the evening...It was lovely...so lovely and so loving...and I am extremely grateful for the experience...

For now I will wrap it up for this blog...I will perhaps write a bit more later...

Love and Light to all my dear friends in the universe...

Stillness

Recently it has really come to my attention how impatient human beings are. How we go through life as if it's a race. How everything must be available to us - pronto! Because time=money and money more than anything is precious!!!

I'm in London at the moment for pleasure, and I just spent almost 2 hours sitting in Jenny's Cafe near Chinatown just taking my time eating and drinking...and just observing people in general - the people walking past outside...the customers coming in and out of the cafe...

I wondered how many people could actually sit still enough in one spot for say half an hour and just be at peace with themselves? Could they sit and just observe what was happening around them? To create a stillness within themselves and just...watch?

I wondered if people these days even tasted their food when they ate. Why are we always in such a hurry??? Why has life become such a race? Such a rat race?? Things to do, people to see and all that riff-raff...For me, living in Switzerland has allowed me to slow down and smell the flowers :-) Because my life was very much like what I see today with people...always busy busy busy...life going along like a freight train...And you really don't know how to slow down...

I also wonder why people are in such a hurry to board an aeroplane? Even before they call you up to board people are already queuing up. What's the hurry??? It's not like the plane is going to fly off without you!!! Most flights have allocated seats anyway...so I do not understand it.

I guess for me...it doesn't concern me when I have to board Easyjet flights without any allocated seating. Flying on my own, it doesn't matter where I sit...even if I am in Boarding Group 'A'...It's much of a muchness to me...Let the impatient people fight over the seats...I'll take what's left...and all flights I have flown with Easyjet so far, I have had awesome seats close to the front!!!

So when then do we find the time to slow down?? I remember in 1998/1999 how busy my social calendar was. I felt that my life was going along like a freight train until my grandmother become very ill...and then everything just slowed down amazingly...Everything which I loved to do with my friends took second priority...I didn't even care. It was kinda like my grandma's illness plucked me from a really busy sidewalk and placed me on the side where I could observe everything from another angle...

And then my grandmother passed away and it made me re-assess things in life. Losing someone close to your heart like that does that to you. Some people welcome the reassessment with open arms and fly with it; while sadly, others just ignore it.

If we could all create that stillness within ourselves for even ten minutes a day, how different the world would be. Would we like what we see about ourselves?