Living in the Now

Like millions of people around the world today who heard about the death of Heath Ledger, I too felt deeply saddened about his passing. I was at a recruitment agency around 9.15am this morning when I overheard the news and I felt shocked and extremely sad that he had died. I wasn't even able to fully focus on the forms which I was filling out...

It's a bit strange though as it is only three days into this week and I have heard about 4 deaths. I know millions die everyday but these passings which have been brought to my attention has enabled me to pause and think about my own life and how I am living it.

On Monday I heard a rumour about a dead body of a 29-year-old woman found in the boot of a car in Granville. This morning I learned that an "Uncle's" employee had to take time off work because there was a family tragedy...rumour having been that the employee's brother-in-law had died and he was only 29. Then this morning came the news of Heath Ledger - he was 28. And as I finished lunch with my dad, he was speaking to the chef whose best friend had passed away from cancer last week, and the funeral was just yesterday. He was around 54.

And so, we can look at it one way and say that these lives were cut short unfairly. We can speculate and ask a hundred thousand questions, but would the answers really satisfy us in the end?? Princess Diana died more than 10 years ago now, yet there's still speculation surrounding 'what really happened'. Well...what really happened is that there was a car crash and she died. Nothing will change that fact. No answer, right or wrong will bring her back in this lifetime. Heath Ledger died from a cardiac arrest. Whether that was due to a drug overdose, or pneumonia mixed with drugs...or whatever...does it really matter in the end???

In the light of Heath's death, SS realised "that it doesn't matter how old we are when we die. If we didn't harness our potential or what we came into this world to do, we can live for 80 years and still the potential is unrealized. He realized his potential in 28 years." I wholeheartedly agree with SS. We are not to know what the pact is that we made with ourselves, with god before we came into this world. Yet when we fulfill this agreement, our soul will know and then it will be time to move on.

"I completely live in the now, not in the past, not in the future." This is what Heath said. This is how he lived. How awesome is that? I believe that only when we are fully present to the present, and completely living in the now, will death not phase us. And when you reach that point, you will know that everything will be just fine. You just know.

Second Best

I sit here honest and open.

In the past few weeks I have been in a bit of a career dilemma. I called a recruitment agency to enquire about a job which I had seen online. Reading the job advert I was able to tick the boxes next to pretty much all of them...and it was only a 10-month contract.

I spoke with the young woman and told her that I had intended to commence studying in February full-time, but that the job looked interesting to me. When she saw my resume she called me back and said that I was the "perfect candidate for the job". She asked me how likely it would be that my Master degree application would be accepted. She sounded very keen to forward my resume to her client, and it made me feel very good about myself...ergo...a personal trap!!!

Let's rewind a little bit though...

When I left Switzerland, my plan was to come back here and attain a Certificate in English Language Teaching to Adults (CELTA). This involves a 1-month intensive course and by the end of it I would be qualified to teach English to adults. This I had my heart set on. I even had a plan on how I would pay for it...I had it all mapped out...

But then some funds never arrived which I was expecting and so started a chain reaction of events...of reasons why not to fulfill my calling...and it goes like this...

Ohh...the funds never cleared so I can't do the CELTA...but I want to study something...so I'll pick something which I don't have to pay upfront. How about a DipEd? That's something I've always wanted to do...Oh bugger! The institutions I want to study at don't offer a DipEd to teach young kids...OK...how about a Master of Teaching (Primary) degree...that sounds alright...2 years study...hmmm...it's something at least...but 2 years...that's a bloody long time...how will I support myself?? Okay...I'll apply for it anyway...hmm....I should earn some money before uni starts...I'll do some casual admin work...Oh! this job sounds really interesting...working for some "world renowned independent media organisation"...the job description sounds like what I used to do...but hang on, it's a long term contract..."You're the perfect candidate for this job" says the lady...Damn it! I am good aren't I?? And damn it...I do love my numbers don't I?!...So why exactly have I chosen to do a Masters degree?? Am I doing it for the right reasons??...Damn it! The lure of money for 10 months and doing something which I know I can already do...

I had already decided yesterday that I would be happy for the recruitment agency to forward my resume to her client. I told her so.

I chatted to SS last night telling her my dilemma. By the end of our conversation, she had saved me!!! :-)

Things have been very muddy infront of my eyes lately and SS really helped me to see things clearly. She said...you are worth so much more than $2600 (the cost of the CELTA)!!! So don't let this little hurdle stop you. You already know in your heart what you want to do. The easy option is to take the 10 month job because you know you can succeed at it, and then at the end of 10 months they'll probably offer you another 6 months, which you won't be able to say No to....and then we'll be having this same conversation 1 year down the track!!! And then you'll be 10 months behind on what you really want to do!!! And you'll keep putting it off!

It's so true! I realised how much I almost let one little thing change the course of my life!!! Here I was for the longest time, telling myself, telling everybody that I'm going to teach english...and so had my sights set on it...then I almost let myself take 10 steps backwards!!! Because of a small financial hurdle!!!

SS said...ask for help...create that possibility! And I said...yes, I know I am very bad at asking for help! And she said...yes you are! And you're the one who always helps everyone else!!!

For me, I felt like studying for a Master of Teaching was my best option because I wasn't able to afford the course which I really wanted to do. SS said...Masters degrees are bloody expensive and one way or another you're gonna have to pay for it whether it be now or later!!! She said...don't accept what is second best...take a stand for yourself! Even in the areas of relationship you accept second best...

And in that moment, I realised how true it was...that some things in my life I had taken the second best option...that I had caved in so easily to being agreeable with the people around me that my true needs were not met...and so down the track uneasiness and unhappiness creeps in.

My brother asked me this morning whether I had heard anything from the university or if I had heard anything about a job. I told him...Nope! Not going to do any of that!!! I'm going to do the CELTA!!! And I told him about my phone conversation with SS...and my realisation about what I had almost done...and he was with me...he understood.

And so, here I am honest and open. I am committed to completing the CELTA within the next 3 months because I am choosing what is best for myself :-) I am finally feeding and nourishing my soul, which has been starved for the longest time...

New Year, New Cheer

Happy 2008!!

For the first time in a long time I welcomed in the New Year in my sleep. Feeling a bit under the weather after returning from the South Coast the day before, and having done 7hrs of housework straight, I popped two Panadol rapids, read some Harry Potter and crashed out before 11pm!!!

Celebrating New Years is so much about being with my friends more than family for me. This year the Magnificent 7 were scattered all over the place...on a plane, in the States, in Shellharbour, at home with the kids, out at another party and asleep!!! :-)

Anyway, it's 2008 and it's a new year. I am looking forward to the change and challenges which lie ahead for me. For the first time in 5 years I am not working full-time and I am choosing to take a different career path. I know before I said I had intended to complete the CELTA in January this year...which I then changed to February...and now...to go somewhere else, I have just registered my interest to complete a Master of Teaching (Primary) at ACU in Strathfield. When that gets approved I will be commencing full-time studies from February 11th for 2 years :-)

My parents are a bit worried about my financial circumstance. They think it's a waste that I have worked so hard in my previous career and gone so far with a great salary, that I would choose teaching and start from the bottom again...

I'm not worried because I am consciously choosing a path which is my calling. It is what I want to do. And I believe that if you love what you do and are passionate about it, then you are able to create create create the greatest things for yourself.

I never imagined myself to be studying again. But the more I read the course subjects the more I feel like...'Yeh! That's what I want to do!' And it feels right at this moment in my life. I know I will be approaching study from another perspective and I feel confident about it...and I am looking forward to being a student again :-)

So I guess I will be staying put for 2 years in the least :-) Yeh....:-)

Cheers to 2008!!!