A real need?

I keep seeing her face over and over again in my head. This woman with a gap between her top front teeth, clutching at a small bag, begging me...pleadingly...."Excuse me excuse me...do you have three dollar..." in her broken English..."I lost my..." and then her face kinda breaks...and I just shake my head and apologise...

I wonder...was she really in need? Did I turn away someone who really needed my money? My help? Or am I just too accustomed to seeing these beggars all around Town Hall? A few minutes earlier the tall, scruffy-looking beggar with grey mangled hair stood just beyond the ticket barriers. I, along with all the other commuters passing that way, see him there maybe three or four mornings a week. "Spare change...spare change" he asks holding out his hand. I wonder if it's the same beggar that Eddie talked about who he sees all the time outside Town Hall having a ciggy?

Just before I exit the QVB I see a lady in a raincoat holding an umbrella asking passers-by for money. Then I encountered the other lady...who begged...who pleaded with me...

Why didn't I just stop and ask her how I might be able to help her? Maybe she really did need help and was desperate...I had never seen her before. I felt like I was in China...in Xian when the beggars just kept begging and begging even after you've jumped on the bus...they are relentless and keep tapping the window. Could I really make that much of a difference to their lives? Could it mean the difference between them feeding their family or themselves for a week or even weeks?

Maybe I'm just jaded. I can't tell anymore what's real and what's not.

Reflection...

Over the past two weeks Ive been hearing a lot about cancer. It started with the shocking news of a very good friend who was diagnosed with cancer. He's only 40. I was stunned and extremely shocked with the news and it sat with me for days.

It's kinda strange...and I don't know if it's just me...but as soon as I heard the news my mind was already projecting into the future of what his funeral would be like...and how sad it would all be if he really were to die...which was a real possibility. I thought how many people he has positively influenced in his short lifetime and how much it would affect the community which we were a part of. I remember that once I did this quiz and it asked who I looked up to and why and it was this particular friend who I wrote down. This quiz said that often the qualities we often like about people we look up to are those which we possess ourselves.

I reminisced about the good ole times and I felt guilt because we hadn't been in touch for quite some time. I didn't even have his mobile anymore because I keep losing or breaking my phone!!! I emailed him and expressed my guilt feelings and how life is just life and things happen. He emailed back saying that life carries us in all different directions and that good friends will always remain good friends regardless of time and distance. He said that it's been a huge wake-up call to him to do the things he's always been putting off.

A few days later he emailed and said that the lung biopsy was negative for cancer but he had to have an operation where the cancer was. It was such a huge relief...it was like in one moment you have this prospect of losing a friend, and in the next moment you've received a second chance of renewing that connection again...I can't even begin to imagine how he feels!!!

Then came the news of Patrick Swayze. Then I watched some TV program about secret billionaire and there was an old couple, and the woman was also dying of cancer...but she didn't let it stop her doing the things that she loved...like dancing! She said...the cancer has gotten the better of me...but I have also gotten the better of it!!!...or something along those lines.

This morning my mum was on the phone to her cousin in Newcastle and some really sad news came through. Her second cousin living in New Zealand has been diagnosed with brain cancer which is in its fourth stage. She's only in her early forties with a very young family...I think four kids...it's so sad!!!

Perhaps it's a wake-up call to all of us to really appreciate what we have in life and who we have in our lives. To not take things for granted, especially the little things. This life is not forever and we have to embrace it and do the things we love. What's the point in doing things that we hate? What's the point in doing things without joy? Sometimes we think...just hang in there a bit more...just another year of working in this crappy job...but who knows??? We could die tomorrow. The question I guess we should ask ourselves is: would I be happy if I were to die tomorrow?? If not, why? And what can I do about it now???

For me, definitely it's in the relationship stakes. Career-wise I've been successful in one career and now I'm on my path. I've seen quite a bit of the world and I have great relationships with friends and family. I've got a degree and studying a grad dip. I've played lots of sport and am managing my finances quite well. I don't have a house or investment property yet, but that's not a priority for me at this point in time. I have all these things but no partner :-p hahah...

Anyway, the past few days been thinking about my non-existent relationship with a certain someone. My friend who was diagnosed with cancer is a very good mutual friend of both of ours. And now with my mum's second cousin diagnosed with brain cancer...maybe I should just send him an email to say g'day...cos you know, life's too short. And I've just been acting like a woman scorned...but heck...I should get over myself!!! Seriously!!!

Heck I'm not perfect! I have my flaws! And I'm not always nice!! Funnily enough a student offered to buy me a drink on Friday and I politely declined. He then asked me if I wanted to go outside with him for a smoke...and I told him that I didn't smoke. He then sat down next to me and gave me a 'tip'. He said...here's a tip...if you go out with a guy, you have to live a little dangerously! He said...men like women who are a bit dangerous!!! I just smiled...haha...and I said to him...how do you know I'm not dangerous??? And he repeated again that men like women who are a bit dangerous. I said...well...all I can say is that I'm a Scorpio. I asked him if he knew what that was (cos English is his second language) and he nodded and went out for a smoko break...hahah!!! Maybe I should've been less reserved and taken him up on the drink offer and maybe even the smoke offer! hahha...But hey...it was still during class time!! Except that we just happened to spend the last hour of class at the pub!! Practising spoken English of course!!! ;-)

Alrighty...I think I might send that email :-)

Carpe diem!

Dear diary...

2nd September 2009

Dear diary,

Bob* was being a total ass tonight in class. He was back to his old antics...*sigh* I knew it was too good to last the rest of the semester - his behaviour and teaching style over the past three weeks...I guess good things never last, or as I said to Rosy* 'good things only happen in three!'.

Bob's so bad I can't help but laugh!!! After class it's 'bitchin time' about our lecturer!!! And it's good to know I am so not the only one!!! We just piss ourselves laughin mimicking him and bitchin about how he talks to us like we're five-years-old!!!

Five minutes before the end of the last class (last week) he informed us that we would be presenting reading activities in groups the following week. We had next to no time to get into groups and scribble down each others' contact details. And we received no further instructions other than to pick our own reading.

So this week rolled around and I was ten minutes late to class. When I walked in my group were already standing at the front of the room just about to 'present' an 'Eliciting/Building the field' activity. I started the ball rolling, then stopped to give another group member a go. We ended up doing individual things in our group. But the feedback we received was quite okay compared to the wrath the other groups received!!! Boy-oh-boy!!!

Bob was annoyed and disgusted that we were all failing miserably in our mini-presentations...and I just sat there rolling my eyes and writing notes to Rosy about his behaviour in class!!! I felt like I was a school-kid! :-)

All in all it took over an hour for four groups to present what we would do for reading activities in a TESOL classroom. Well...little time was actually spent presenting...most of the time was spent being yelled at!!!

So this is what I thought about whilst Bob continually mocked us and talked to us like primary-school children...

(1) You could have given us say ten minutes before class to go through our 'presentations'.
(2) You could have given us one text that all groups could have worked on, thus the whole session might have flowed and made more sense!
(3) How can you tell us off when you cannot lead by example???
(4) You tell us that we know the theory but cannot put it into practice...well what better way to demotivate us than by yelling at us???
(5) You seem to forget that we are learning about teaching, learning about literacy. After all this subject you are supposed to be teaching us is called "Teaching and Learning Literacy"!!!
(6) You sometimes forget that you are teaching adults. Not only that...but adults who are post-grad students!!!
(7) You talk to us like we're five years old!
(8) You don't listen.
(9) You continuously contradict yourself because of (8) above.
(10) You love the sound of your own voice.

At the end of tonight's class, after we 'listened' to Bob for a good 45 minutes about stuff and nonsense...Mary* raised her hand and said...'so basically what you are saying is this...', summarising his ranting and raving in less than 30 seconds!!! We all just giggled!!!

Later on, Mary was saying how she knew Bob had a bee in his bonnet - he kept going on about something or other...I wouldn't know because I tend to tune out after Bob continuously speaks for more than two minutes...and I just pretend that I'm listening. He was saying something about the Sydney school of genre or something...and how he really has something against them. Yeh okay Bob...I understand you can have your opinion on things...we're all entitled to that...but to go on and on about it...what a waste of our time!!!

Anyway, whenever I get bored in Bob's class, I wonder about my own classes at GEOS. Sometimes I think...maybe I am just as bad as Bob...hmmm....it's some food for thought!!! I guess if anything, Bob has taught me how NOT to be in a TESOL environment!!!

Well, only another week or two before mid-semester break!!! :-)

Thanks for listening diary!! :-)

*names have been changed to protect identity!

I used to...

I used to blog a lot.
I used to write so eloquently.
I used to have so much time.

And now?
There's hardly time to take a breath.

I'm too busy 'working'.
I'm too busy working out how to pay off my debts.
I'm too busy avoiding my studies.
I'm too busy trying to perfect all the little things.

But it's cool.
I love what I'm doing now...
I think.

Or am I just confused?
I think I might need some time out soon.
Just because.
Soul rejuvenation.

I let go.
I wiped him from my facebook.
I deleted him from my email.
I erased him from my phone,
All the messages, all the emails.
Him.
Gone!
Finally!

Realness

I feel so lucky to be working where I am. I've been so much in my element that I haven't felt the need to do much blogging for a long time!!!

The people I work with, the people I 'teach' are all absolutely amazing human beings. I've been extremely blessed to be in the company of such humbleness and greatness all at once :-) The dedication and the passion to impart our knowledge to willing learners...I don't know if there's anything greater!!!

I love my job and what each day brings. There's a real genuine nature to it all and that's why I love it! :-)

Embrace 2009

So the New Year is upon us!!! :-) I always feel so happy when it's the New Year because it's like you can put all the shit of the previous year behind you and start afresh. A new slate, a blank canvas.

Not saying that I had a lot of shit in 2008...I had quite a fantastic year actually!!! From bummin around, to a fill-in job, to studying, to following my dreams and finally doing what I've always wanted to do!!! And not to mention turning 30!!! :-) It's been such a fantastic year!!! Probably one of the best from what's left of my memory...

So yeh, the New Year is upon us!!! About 17hrs and 20minutes as I'm writing this...Every year I like to write a New Year message...and set a theme for the year...This year my theme is "Embrace". Kinda like just going with the flow and to be wholly into whatever you choose to do...whether that be mundane tasks like washing up, or for some...the mundane task of what you call 'work'! :-)...or the things which give us joy in life, like spending time with loved ones, or a good massage or retail therapy! Whatever tickles your fancy!!! Just embrace it and own it!!!

"Embrace" is also about taking on new challenges, and fully embracing whatever comes from them. Sometimes they may be 'good' things and other times they just might test our strength, our courage and our patience. Whatever happens, it's all in the grand scheme of things...however cliched that may sound! But if we never give ourselves the chance, then we'll never know.

"Embrace" is about creativity and courage. It's about going beyond what you're comfortable with...even if it's just by a centimetre, a tad, a snippet, by a nose hair even!!! Whatever! You know, just paint your life, paint your 2009 to what you want it to be. And the thing is, you are the creator, so you can change it to whatever you like!!! You have all the colours in the universe, and beyond to paint with!!! Your canvas can be as small as a page or as big as Jupiter!!! How do you value yourself??? And what happens if you make a 'mistake'? Would anyone even notice? It's YOUR masterpiece!!! Just create, create, create!!! :-)

So to all my dear friends and family, and to anyone I don't know who's reading this...Make your 2009 count...every day, every minute, every second. Have courage, because no-one can give it to you. Be creative - you are the creator. Take on new challenges. And embrace everything that you are and everything that you aren't. 2009 will be as great as you make it!