10th April 2007
I try to sleep
But I lie awake.
An intense feeling
of missing you
washes over me
and swallows me whole.
I cannot fight it.
I can only feel it
and surrender to it.
And then it will pass.
I did not ask for it.
I do not understand it.
But I accept it.
For it makes me whole.
April 29, 2007
April 20, 2007
Chocolate Brownies & Grandma
I made some Chocolate Brownies yesterday thanks to Jamie Oliver's recipe :-) It really did turn out delicious!!! I recommend it to everyone...even if you don't think you can make it!! Hey, even I managed to make it!! :-) I thought I was really crappy at making cakes and things like that. It's probably been at least 10 years since I have made anything of the sort!!! But this one was really simple and made from scratch even! No packet mix!! :-) It was actually my trial batch as I have to make some for after the rugby match this Sunday! I brought some into work this morning and they all disappeared!!! I had to tell people at work that Petra made them for me as comfort food as I was at home sick yesterday :-) Really I was not feeling well...but I managed to make some brownies ;-)
Anyway I just had to share that whilst I was mixing the egg into the mixture my arms started getting tired from the stiring...and it made me think of my childhood and how grandma used to get one of us to get the egg beater and mix the butter and sugar...for what seemed like forever!!!
I laughed out loud (I was home alone) because I remembered the days where I used to loathe it when grandma used to make a cake and we'd have to help her out! It was soooo boring mixing the batter!!! My arms would almost fall off!!! So as I put effort into mixing my Chocolate Brownie mixture I couldn't help but smile and laugh as it made me think of grandma :-) And it made me very grateful for those times :-) My arms nearly fell off too yesterday, but at least I really enjoyed the process :-)
And let me leave you with this...a few weeks ago I was at work and wanted to eat some chocolate. My workmate said to me 'Oh! that is so bad and not healthy!!!'. And I responded...'Actually it is very healthy - because it makes me happy!!' So eat and be merry is what I say! ;-)
Anyway I just had to share that whilst I was mixing the egg into the mixture my arms started getting tired from the stiring...and it made me think of my childhood and how grandma used to get one of us to get the egg beater and mix the butter and sugar...for what seemed like forever!!!
I laughed out loud (I was home alone) because I remembered the days where I used to loathe it when grandma used to make a cake and we'd have to help her out! It was soooo boring mixing the batter!!! My arms would almost fall off!!! So as I put effort into mixing my Chocolate Brownie mixture I couldn't help but smile and laugh as it made me think of grandma :-) And it made me very grateful for those times :-) My arms nearly fell off too yesterday, but at least I really enjoyed the process :-)
And let me leave you with this...a few weeks ago I was at work and wanted to eat some chocolate. My workmate said to me 'Oh! that is so bad and not healthy!!!'. And I responded...'Actually it is very healthy - because it makes me happy!!' So eat and be merry is what I say! ;-)
April 18, 2007
Here and Now
The sun shines.
I know where I am now.
It was never about you.
It was never about you and me.
It was never about the past,
Or the future.
It was always about me
And how I choose
To live each moment.
Right here, right now.
I know where I am now.
It was never about you.
It was never about you and me.
It was never about the past,
Or the future.
It was always about me
And how I choose
To live each moment.
Right here, right now.
April 16, 2007
Friends with Johnnie
Johnnie Walker that is. I cannot remember the last time I got this drunk on scotch & coke :-) I think it must have been at least a year ago!!! But I think that time I intentionally went out to drink to try to forget a few things for a night.
Saturday. It was a hot day! After spending a day in the sun watching the guys play rugby, Petra, Lea and I took the train back to Luzern from Zug. Lea asked me, 'Jackie, will you come for a drink with me at Billy's when we get back to Luzern?' I said, 'ummm'. Lea said 'Because otherwise I will feel really stupid drinking there on my own...:-('. I said 'aww...okay then.' And so that was where it started...and why I found myself still sitting at Billy's late at night, well after Lea and Petra had gone home!!!
But actually it was a really great night :-) See, when I get drunk I tend to talk a lot more. And for my friends here they think it's a miracle that I talk at all!!! It is a bit hard with the language barrier, though most of the Rugby gang do speak some english...even so, I tend not to say much at all and just observe.
Pascale and Marcel - these two guys I have known for probably a year to a year and a half now. They are friendly guys but I never talked to them much before. Oh but after maybe 3 or 4 Johnnie's I couldn't stop chatting! I asked them where they lived, what they were studying, how old were they?! I kept saying 'Cheers!!'...haha...and apparently - though I cannot remember this - when they told me they were 25 I told them that they were babies! hahha...
After my 4th or 5th Johnnie, I said to Petra that I would like another drink but was afraid that I would throw up if I had another one!!! I think I was on my 5th or 6th when Petra left me chatting to the boys and she went home!!! I must have repeated a hundred times to the boys how I couldn't believe that Petra left me on my own!!! heheh...By the time I left Billy's I had had 7 Johnnie's! ;-p That I can remember! Plus my wallet was so much lighter than at the start of the evening!!! I was home before midnight because I had a game of rugby to play the next day! When I got home the toilet bowl was my friend also ;-)
Waking up the next morning I actually felt quite fine. I don't suffer from hangovers as much as most people! In the morning I was just hungry and feeling wide awake! We had to take a 2.5hr train journey down to Yverdon to play our game. That was when I felt the effects of the alcohol!!! Rocking train + 7 scotch&cokes the previous night = nausea!!! I wanted to close my eyes but I think that makes it worse...so I kept looking at the nice scenery of the lakes and mountains outside :-) I managed not to throw up but was still feeling quite green after we got off the train.
The coach said we had the option of walking or taking a taxi to the pitch. I wanted to walk because it was such a nice day, but mainly because I couldn't stand the thought of being in a moving vehicle again - even if it was only for a few minutes!!! But anyway it was one-in-all-in and we ended up cabbing it! Lucky I didn't puke as I was sitting in the middle!!! :-D
I have learnt not to drink so much the night before a game!! Even if it's only a friendly game!!! I don't know how people do it! Must be getting old!!! heheh...I certainly know how much it affected me on the field...I was just totally useless with much slower reactions!! Johnnie was still running through my veins!!!
But still, I had heaps of fun and still remember bits and pieces from the night which make me smile :-)
Saturday. It was a hot day! After spending a day in the sun watching the guys play rugby, Petra, Lea and I took the train back to Luzern from Zug. Lea asked me, 'Jackie, will you come for a drink with me at Billy's when we get back to Luzern?' I said, 'ummm'. Lea said 'Because otherwise I will feel really stupid drinking there on my own...:-('. I said 'aww...okay then.' And so that was where it started...and why I found myself still sitting at Billy's late at night, well after Lea and Petra had gone home!!!
But actually it was a really great night :-) See, when I get drunk I tend to talk a lot more. And for my friends here they think it's a miracle that I talk at all!!! It is a bit hard with the language barrier, though most of the Rugby gang do speak some english...even so, I tend not to say much at all and just observe.
Pascale and Marcel - these two guys I have known for probably a year to a year and a half now. They are friendly guys but I never talked to them much before. Oh but after maybe 3 or 4 Johnnie's I couldn't stop chatting! I asked them where they lived, what they were studying, how old were they?! I kept saying 'Cheers!!'...haha...and apparently - though I cannot remember this - when they told me they were 25 I told them that they were babies! hahha...
After my 4th or 5th Johnnie, I said to Petra that I would like another drink but was afraid that I would throw up if I had another one!!! I think I was on my 5th or 6th when Petra left me chatting to the boys and she went home!!! I must have repeated a hundred times to the boys how I couldn't believe that Petra left me on my own!!! heheh...By the time I left Billy's I had had 7 Johnnie's! ;-p That I can remember! Plus my wallet was so much lighter than at the start of the evening!!! I was home before midnight because I had a game of rugby to play the next day! When I got home the toilet bowl was my friend also ;-)
Waking up the next morning I actually felt quite fine. I don't suffer from hangovers as much as most people! In the morning I was just hungry and feeling wide awake! We had to take a 2.5hr train journey down to Yverdon to play our game. That was when I felt the effects of the alcohol!!! Rocking train + 7 scotch&cokes the previous night = nausea!!! I wanted to close my eyes but I think that makes it worse...so I kept looking at the nice scenery of the lakes and mountains outside :-) I managed not to throw up but was still feeling quite green after we got off the train.
The coach said we had the option of walking or taking a taxi to the pitch. I wanted to walk because it was such a nice day, but mainly because I couldn't stand the thought of being in a moving vehicle again - even if it was only for a few minutes!!! But anyway it was one-in-all-in and we ended up cabbing it! Lucky I didn't puke as I was sitting in the middle!!! :-D
I have learnt not to drink so much the night before a game!! Even if it's only a friendly game!!! I don't know how people do it! Must be getting old!!! heheh...I certainly know how much it affected me on the field...I was just totally useless with much slower reactions!! Johnnie was still running through my veins!!!
But still, I had heaps of fun and still remember bits and pieces from the night which make me smile :-)
April 08, 2007
Mr Singh/April
A few days ago Mr Singh passed away. Speaking to my mum on Good Friday, she told me that 'the old man across the street' died. I only knew him as a friendly wave and a smile - quite often whenever I left the house. I think that the number of times I conversed with him in the 16 years I had lived at Ashgrove Crescent and we were neighbours, can sadly be counted with both hands.
I was a bit shocked by the news. Death in any form, whether by old age or other means, is not something you hear about every day with someone who you (sort of) know. Actually I never even knew what Mr Singh did. I know that his wife - Mrs Singh - was a high-school teacher. I know that he has two grown-up sons in their 30's and that one of them got married a few years ago and had a son. I know that his eldest son is a doctor. I know he used to go walking a lot and he always seemed to be at home...
To me and to my family, he was always the friendly old man from across the street. I wish that I at least knew his first name...but none of that matters now. I know that he is resting in peace and that he is smiling down upon all of his loved ones, even though they may be crying from his departure.
~~~~~~~~~~
April. A time to remember two of my loved ones who have passed from this earth. April 16th marks 8 years since my dear grandma passed away. Actually I had a dream about her last night although I cannot recall the details right now...April 21st marks 9 years since my dear godbrother Ray passed away...
Grandma & Ray, I love you guys and miss you lots. Life has been quite a tremendous journey since you went away - and I know you have been there every step of the way...
I was a bit shocked by the news. Death in any form, whether by old age or other means, is not something you hear about every day with someone who you (sort of) know. Actually I never even knew what Mr Singh did. I know that his wife - Mrs Singh - was a high-school teacher. I know that he has two grown-up sons in their 30's and that one of them got married a few years ago and had a son. I know that his eldest son is a doctor. I know he used to go walking a lot and he always seemed to be at home...
To me and to my family, he was always the friendly old man from across the street. I wish that I at least knew his first name...but none of that matters now. I know that he is resting in peace and that he is smiling down upon all of his loved ones, even though they may be crying from his departure.
~~~~~~~~~~
April. A time to remember two of my loved ones who have passed from this earth. April 16th marks 8 years since my dear grandma passed away. Actually I had a dream about her last night although I cannot recall the details right now...April 21st marks 9 years since my dear godbrother Ray passed away...
Grandma & Ray, I love you guys and miss you lots. Life has been quite a tremendous journey since you went away - and I know you have been there every step of the way...
April 01, 2007
A Job, a Career and a Vocation
Three weekends ago I went to London for a weekend 'Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL)' course. I think it's one of the best things I have ever done!!
Recently there was an article in the SMH about three kinds of work -a job, a career and a vocation (or a calling). I have always known what my vocation would be - to educate, to teach. Somehow, so far I have never managed to take a step towards my vocation. Actually when I was a kid, up until I was 16, I always wanted to become a school teacher. At the end of Yr10 my English teacher asked me what I wanted to become after I left school and I told her I wanted to become a teacher. She said to me...'Oh no! You don't want to be that!' And so, for some reason, I changed my mind on the spot there and then and decided to go into computing.
Reflecting upon her words now, I am surprised at how easily she influenced me. She wasn't my favourite teacher, but somehow what she said set me on quite a different path. I guess though, perhaps I would not have had the same opportunities had I chosen the path of teaching at university. I would not be doing what I am right now if I had taken that path. I like to think of it as a blessing in disguise :-)
I knew though, that sooner or later I would not be able to ignore my calling. In a roundabout way, I would not be able to escape it. And so the TEFL course in London was my first step towards my calling. Although I may not ever use that TEFL certification, it is a start for me onto a path which I know will be more personally fulfilling.
I need a career-break. In two weeks time I would have been living and working in Switzerland for two years!!! It's quite hard to believe how quickly time has passed us by!!! In two weeks time, I would have been working in the same industry for 4 years and 8 months!!! (Not that I am counting! :-)). By the time I leave the company - which will be end of October I have decided - I would have been working in the same industry for 5 years and 2 months! That's a long time for me! I know that the option is always there for me to work once again in the Sydney office. I am grateful for this, however I believe that I really just need to take a few months off and decide what I really wish to do with myself.
I have my eye on completing a 4-week intensive CELTA course (Certificate in English Language Teaching to Adults) when I get back to Sydney in November. This will certify me to teach English to Adults the world-over, so the world will again be my oyster. I do wish to work closer with children though, so I will have to research my options and go with what feels right to me :-)
Many of my friends tell me that they can see me as a teacher and that I would make a great one at that too :-) There is nothing to lose and only everything to gain :-)
Recently there was an article in the SMH about three kinds of work -a job, a career and a vocation (or a calling). I have always known what my vocation would be - to educate, to teach. Somehow, so far I have never managed to take a step towards my vocation. Actually when I was a kid, up until I was 16, I always wanted to become a school teacher. At the end of Yr10 my English teacher asked me what I wanted to become after I left school and I told her I wanted to become a teacher. She said to me...'Oh no! You don't want to be that!' And so, for some reason, I changed my mind on the spot there and then and decided to go into computing.
Reflecting upon her words now, I am surprised at how easily she influenced me. She wasn't my favourite teacher, but somehow what she said set me on quite a different path. I guess though, perhaps I would not have had the same opportunities had I chosen the path of teaching at university. I would not be doing what I am right now if I had taken that path. I like to think of it as a blessing in disguise :-)
I knew though, that sooner or later I would not be able to ignore my calling. In a roundabout way, I would not be able to escape it. And so the TEFL course in London was my first step towards my calling. Although I may not ever use that TEFL certification, it is a start for me onto a path which I know will be more personally fulfilling.
I need a career-break. In two weeks time I would have been living and working in Switzerland for two years!!! It's quite hard to believe how quickly time has passed us by!!! In two weeks time, I would have been working in the same industry for 4 years and 8 months!!! (Not that I am counting! :-)). By the time I leave the company - which will be end of October I have decided - I would have been working in the same industry for 5 years and 2 months! That's a long time for me! I know that the option is always there for me to work once again in the Sydney office. I am grateful for this, however I believe that I really just need to take a few months off and decide what I really wish to do with myself.
I have my eye on completing a 4-week intensive CELTA course (Certificate in English Language Teaching to Adults) when I get back to Sydney in November. This will certify me to teach English to Adults the world-over, so the world will again be my oyster. I do wish to work closer with children though, so I will have to research my options and go with what feels right to me :-)
Many of my friends tell me that they can see me as a teacher and that I would make a great one at that too :-) There is nothing to lose and only everything to gain :-)
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