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10th April 2007

I try to sleep
But I lie awake.
An intense feeling
of missing you
washes over me
and swallows me whole.

I cannot fight it.
I can only feel it
and surrender to it.
And then it will pass.

I did not ask for it.
I do not understand it.
But I accept it.
For it makes me whole.

Chocolate Brownies & Grandma

I made some Chocolate Brownies yesterday thanks to Jamie Oliver's recipe :-) It really did turn out delicious!!! I recommend it to everyone...even if you don't think you can make it!! Hey, even I managed to make it!! :-) I thought I was really crappy at making cakes and things like that. It's probably been at least 10 years since I have made anything of the sort!!! But this one was really simple and made from scratch even! No packet mix!! :-) It was actually my trial batch as I have to make some for after the rugby match this Sunday! I brought some into work this morning and they all disappeared!!! I had to tell people at work that Petra made them for me as comfort food as I was at home sick yesterday :-) Really I was not feeling well...but I managed to make some brownies ;-)

Anyway I just had to share that whilst I was mixing the egg into the mixture my arms started getting tired from the stiring...and it made me think of my childhood and how grandma used to get one of us to get the egg beater and mix the butter and sugar...for what seemed like forever!!!

I laughed out loud (I was home alone) because I remembered the days where I used to loathe it when grandma used to make a cake and we'd have to help her out! It was soooo boring mixing the batter!!! My arms would almost fall off!!! So as I put effort into mixing my Chocolate Brownie mixture I couldn't help but smile and laugh as it made me think of grandma :-) And it made me very grateful for those times :-) My arms nearly fell off too yesterday, but at least I really enjoyed the process :-)

And let me leave you with this...a few weeks ago I was at work and wanted to eat some chocolate. My workmate said to me 'Oh! that is so bad and not healthy!!!'. And I responded...'Actually it is very healthy - because it makes me happy!!' So eat and be merry is what I say! ;-)

Here and Now

The sun shines.
I know where I am now.
It was never about you.
It was never about you and me.
It was never about the past,
Or the future.
It was always about me
And how I choose
To live each moment.
Right here, right now.

Friends with Johnnie

Johnnie Walker that is. I cannot remember the last time I got this drunk on scotch & coke :-) I think it must have been at least a year ago!!! But I think that time I intentionally went out to drink to try to forget a few things for a night.

Saturday. It was a hot day! After spending a day in the sun watching the guys play rugby, Petra, Lea and I took the train back to Luzern from Zug. Lea asked me, 'Jackie, will you come for a drink with me at Billy's when we get back to Luzern?' I said, 'ummm'. Lea said 'Because otherwise I will feel really stupid drinking there on my own...:-('. I said 'aww...okay then.' And so that was where it started...and why I found myself still sitting at Billy's late at night, well after Lea and Petra had gone home!!!

But actually it was a really great night :-) See, when I get drunk I tend to talk a lot more. And for my friends here they think it's a miracle that I talk at all!!! It is a bit hard with the language barrier, though most of the Rugby gang do speak some english...even so, I tend not to say much at all and just observe.

Pascale and Marcel - these two guys I have known for probably a year to a year and a half now. They are friendly guys but I never talked to them much before. Oh but after maybe 3 or 4 Johnnie's I couldn't stop chatting! I asked them where they lived, what they were studying, how old were they?! I kept saying 'Cheers!!'...haha...and apparently - though I cannot remember this - when they told me they were 25 I told them that they were babies! hahha...

After my 4th or 5th Johnnie, I said to Petra that I would like another drink but was afraid that I would throw up if I had another one!!! I think I was on my 5th or 6th when Petra left me chatting to the boys and she went home!!! I must have repeated a hundred times to the boys how I couldn't believe that Petra left me on my own!!! heheh...By the time I left Billy's I had had 7 Johnnie's! ;-p That I can remember! Plus my wallet was so much lighter than at the start of the evening!!! I was home before midnight because I had a game of rugby to play the next day! When I got home the toilet bowl was my friend also ;-)

Waking up the next morning I actually felt quite fine. I don't suffer from hangovers as much as most people! In the morning I was just hungry and feeling wide awake! We had to take a 2.5hr train journey down to Yverdon to play our game. That was when I felt the effects of the alcohol!!! Rocking train + 7 scotch&cokes the previous night = nausea!!! I wanted to close my eyes but I think that makes it worse...so I kept looking at the nice scenery of the lakes and mountains outside :-) I managed not to throw up but was still feeling quite green after we got off the train.

The coach said we had the option of walking or taking a taxi to the pitch. I wanted to walk because it was such a nice day, but mainly because I couldn't stand the thought of being in a moving vehicle again - even if it was only for a few minutes!!! But anyway it was one-in-all-in and we ended up cabbing it! Lucky I didn't puke as I was sitting in the middle!!! :-D

I have learnt not to drink so much the night before a game!! Even if it's only a friendly game!!! I don't know how people do it! Must be getting old!!! heheh...I certainly know how much it affected me on the field...I was just totally useless with much slower reactions!! Johnnie was still running through my veins!!!

But still, I had heaps of fun and still remember bits and pieces from the night which make me smile :-)