Releasing thoughts...(on relationships)

I came upon this email I wrote in November 2005 to my friends, on relationships. It's kinda fitting now as just this weekend passed, I was told about three relationship break-ups...

"When you're in a relationship, and things are falling apart, you wonder at what point this started to happen? Surely it wasn't always like this. It's kinda strange right now...but I guess maybe it's always happening this way...I know of three weddings this month, and I also know of three relationships which are on the rocks this month. Is it something about this time of the year or maybe this is something that happends all the time, 365 days in the year?

At what point do you stop loving someone? Or at what point does one realize that the constant fighting is doing neither party any good? At what point do you stop and think to yourself, am I happy in this relationship? At what point did communication break down? When all is said and done, is there anything more to say and do? Or do we just look at each other like we are strangers and have nothing to say anymore?

It’s all so confusing. The constant battles with each other, with ourselves. The constant questioning of self-worth, of trust, of time wasted, of love – was it for real? The feeling of numbness, to our thoughts, to ourselves, to the world around us, drowned out with some alcohol or the confines of our own emotions.

Will it be the end of something that was just never meant to be? Or will it be the start of something greater and grander than before? I guess in a lot of ways, when relationships break down, it is our ego which is bruised the most. The reality is that we have loved and we have embraced the best qualities of the other person. The illusion is the perceptions which we have of them, how we expect them to be, and so our egos clash and that’s when it kinda turns bad.

Sometimes I think we expect too much…of ourselves, of the other person, of how we are meant to feel or act, of how we think we should be. Sometimes we just have to throw expectations out the window and just live and just love and just accept people for who they are. Sometimes we just have to take risks. Sometime we have to take life by its balls and squeeze everything we can out of it, because if we don’t then our lives can become meaningless.

I heard this quote once which said “A life lived in fear is a life half lived.” So what’s fear then? I think that fear is never knowing what you want in life. I think fear is not daring to go beyond your own boundaries, your comfort zone. I think fear is not having the guts to take control of your own life and steer it in the direction that you want. When it comes to the crunch, really it’s all a matter of personal choice. We have all feared something in our lives, and I’m sure we still do, and still will till our dying day. But this fear needn’t be so lonely. There is no need to feel like we are in a black hole. If we surround ourselves with our family, our friends, the people that truly love and care about us, we can be assured that they will never let us fall. The constant love and support which you get from these people is truly divine.

I believe in unconditional love. I believe that love should be enough. But in this lifetime, I have questioned my beliefs time and again, and I am still learning."

It's been almost 15 months since I wrote what I did above. I still believe in unconditional love. I don't know anymore if I believe that love should be enough. I would really like to believe it again.

Grass is Greener...

In the 21 months that I have been here, most people I have met are in awe when I tell them I am from Sydney. Their faces just light up and they have a huge smile on their faces. Many look at me incredulously when I say that I actually live here. Some think I am a student, some think I am travelling. For them, they cannot believe that I left such a beautiful place to come and live here!

They always ask me why and I always have the same answer ready. I say - it's just different :-) And I tell them that their country is beautiful also. But it puts a huge smile on my face when they tell me how much they love Sydney or how much they love Australia, or how much they would love to go there :-) It makes me very proud to be an Australian :-)

Before I came here, when I told my family and friends that I was moving to Switzerland, they were equally in awe as I was!!! They said "Switzerland?? Oh wow!!!". I think the majority of us Aussies have this stereotypical image of Switzerland in our heads - snow-capped mountains, skiing, snowboarding, cheese and chocolate :-) And perhaps a bit of yodelling as well ;-p

The first few days I was here I was gob-smacked by the beauty which surrounded me. I could not believe that I was in such a place! It was like a fairytale! But most days now I fail to really notice the beauty...unless I'm up on a mountain somewhere and can take the time to stop and look around. It's kinda sad.

It's funny how the grass always seems to be greener on the other side. It's funny how friends and family tell me that I must be having the best time over here, because that's what it looks like from my photos, and from what I write in emails. But then, who ever takes photos of people when they're sad or lonely?! Who wants to hear about another day passed-by with just waking up, going to work, coming home, making something to eat, watching tv, going to bed?!! haha...:-)

It's a bit scary when I think about how long I have been here! Almost two years now!!! Though I have been back to Sydney on three occasions in that time :-) My niece Ashleigh can walk and talk now. She was only three months old when I left :-) I found a picture of her in my wallet the other day (I use the term 'wallet' cos 'purse' is too girly! hehe..) when she was one week old...and it made me smile :-)

I never thought the grass would be greener on this side of the world :-) It was not the reason I came :-) I needed a new challenge and just something...different :-) And that I certainly got! :-) They say that home is where the heart is. My heart definitely belongs to Sydney. Always has, always will :-)

Weeeeeeeeeeee...

Woke up this morning at 5.30am to leave for Arosa ski resort. It took us about 4hrs to get there from when we left our place. The weather was just superb...and that makes it great snow and sunny blue skies 4 out of 4 times I have hit the slopes!!!

I didn't believe that I could have so much fun snowboarding...but today...today was heaps of fun!!! :-) To be honest I was a little scared of going snowboarding today. If Petra had told me she didn't feel like going, I would not have protested one bit!!! But away we went...and I am really glad that I did :-)

I guess the memories of Christmas Day were still in my mind where I really tackled the mountain and survived to tell the tale! All I remember about Christmas Day was having hardly any control of my board and flying down the mountain at very high speeds!!! And tumbling and falling heaps!!!

After today, where I was actually at one with my snowboard about 85% of the time, I can highly recommend beginners to try an intermediate or advanced run after two or three times on the snowboard. Seriously, going down an intermediate or advanced run takes the fear right out of snowboarding...for me anyway!...and it made today quite easy and really enjoyable :-)

I only did two runs today on the slopes, but I was really proud of my improvements and had a huge smile on my face all the way home :-) The first run of course took forever as I was still finding my feet and learning to keep 'on the edge', and yes, I still managed to get stuck in some snow :-) Then Petra and I stopped at one of the bars for over an hour, enjoying the sunshine and music and drinks :-) Then the second run was superb! I was having so much fun...I yelled out 'Weeeeeeeeeee...' and of course so soon as I did that, I stacked it! haha...

I am actually not afraid of going down slopes...you just kinda do it. Nor am I afraid of stacking it. My only fear is that I will take someone out or make them crash each time I fall over!!! I hate falling and then looking back to see all these expert skiiers and snowboarders come flying down!!! I hate being stuck there and almost always apologetic!!! Though I guess most of them have so much more experience behind them, that it would be easier for them to move around me! I guess they were all in my boots once :-)

Well, I'll try flying down the mountains over here a few more times before I head back to Oz :-) I think I'll definitely buy this snowboard set after the season is over :-)

What's in a dream?...

Two nights ago I had a mild headache as I finished work. Then I got a lift to Luzern from my colleague and it made the headache worse! It was great that Petra cooked that night because I pretty much went straight to bed after dinner, and it was only 9.30pm! I only go to bed that early if I am feeling ill...which thankfully is not too often!

So I popped a panadol and went to bed. Strangely enough, I woke the next morning and could remember the dreams which I had dreamt...

I saw my 'A-maa', who is my dad's mum, who passed away from cancer eighteen and a half years ago now (wow! has it really been that long?!!). I rarely dream about her, so it was strange that I did. I was never really that close to 'A-maa'. I was only ten when she passed away. I remember at her funeral my cousin Grace told my sister and I that we had to pretend to cry because it was a sad occasion. So I tried, but I don't think it quite worked for me. My mother on the other hand, scared the living daylights out of me at the funeral. All I could remember was that I was praying really hard for her not to fall into the hole in the ground when we had to sprinkle dirt onto the coffin. My mother was almost hysterical and I was so scared that she would fall in! Thankfully two of my uncles came to support her and take her away from the hole in the ground!!

Well, back to the dream...I spoke with my 'A-maa'...I was me as I am now, and she was sick with cancer. I walked beside her and supported her, and asked her how she was. I never remembered her to be a frail little thing, but in my dream, that's what I thought when I saw her. I helped her up some stairs. I helped her cross the road. I carried her in my arms to a mini-bus...

This mini-bus is somehow linked to a small airplane in my dream. And the next thing I know, I am squeezing in the back of this plane with a small red-headed freckled-faced kid and some big guy at the back. In the front seat, next to the pilot was a sick kid, who also had cancer.

I do not remember much else of that dream...

The next dream, I dreamt of my really good school friend Karèn. Ours is the type of friendship that will last a lifetime, no matter where in the world we are, and no matter if we are able to catch up twice a year or once every two years. We always pick up where we left off :-) Perhaps I dreamt about her because she might be coming to visit me sometime in March or April this year?!

The last dream was very personal and I woke up with tears in my eyes. It's like sometimes when you try to move forwards, something jerks you back. I do not know whether this dream was from my sub-conscious or a message of some sort...it leaves me pondering. I wonder if there'll be another chapter or episode?!!

I love how dreams are up for personal interpretation. You can consult all the dream dictionaries in the world, but only you yourself can unlock the real mysteries behind your dreams! If I remember my dreams, I try to write them down straight away. It certainly makes for interesting reading somewhere down the track! And it also helps me to understand myself better too :-) Sometimes :-)